Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
Thirty-two of the hottest Xmas dads!
I think it's time we say what we've all been thinking: midnight basketball is no longer effective against black teens. We must resort to more drastic measures.
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
This is a warning to bread: you are truly fucked. Sucks to be a bread right about now.
Something Awful's official guide to the best deals the hopelessly corrupt American healthcare system has to offer.
I meet up with Jason Fumes at the What-U-Eat in Spider Lake, WI. He’s fumbling with fruit and wires. "I'm hooking electrodes up to the lemons," he explains. "There was a sighting here and we'd love to get some readings." A cashier had seen a woman stuffing lemons into her purse and cursing at other customers. It sounds like a real retail nightmare.
You aren’t making a sandwich, you’re making a mess.
TekWar author, producer, actor, and creative force, William Shatner, helps out Gateway Computers with their new product rollout.
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
A new edit of Blade Runner promises to finally showcase the complete version of the most famous speech in sci-fi film history.
The terrifying reality of being trapped underwater with three other British people.
Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient
Two hot babes, Erin and Jean, move into the house and encounter a mysterious fortune teller down the block.
Cool surfin' dog Pawly P is not taking his brand seriously. How can he expect us to do everything for him when he is actively sabotaging his brand?
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Do you lead a horrible hell-life devoid of comfort and human affection? PS4 is here! Self-soothe with the state of the art in psychic pain mitigation.
What happens when you want to tell your husband you're leaving him and write Weird Al a fan letter, but you only have one envelope left?
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Six simple tips on awkwardly writing about yourself!
Atheist scientist Sir Richard Dawkins returns to write about his favorite artisanal honeys.
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
America's rockin' bad a$$ Kid Rock may be wild and rowdy, but he is respectful of the Stars and Stripes.
To be a designated driver I drink beer, then do coke to cancel out the beer, then Quaaludes to take the edge off the coke, then PCP to stay awake on the Quaaludes, then more beer to drown out my friends, who are yelling at me to find my clothes and get off the roof because they want to go home.
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
There may be 8.8 billion earthlike planets in the galaxy, but ours is the horniest.
Slaughterhouse-Five author, Kurt Vonnegut, returns from the unfortunate state of not existing to write some copy for Sears.
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
Being asked to take a blind smell test sounds like easy money, until that clean, beach aroma is revealed to be a desert of blackened skulls patrolled by murderous machines.
Guest Columnist Dylan Grobler examines the truth behind President Obama's secret skeletal ties.
In a testament to our on-going attempts to grow as a community, this year marks the first time we’ve named a male target Sexiest Victim. Undead slasher (and gender-boundary smasher!) Lizzy Keller offed an all-male victim pool (the men of a modeling agency), and she had a real cheesecake moment with the ‘Buff Blond Guy Oiling Himself.’ You go, girl!
But I won’t like it.
We reveal twenty of J.D. Power's most influential associates and the jobs they do with the powerful consumer researcher.
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Slovenian philosopher, lecturer, writer and spitter, Slavoj Zizek, updates the wikipedia episode guide for CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls.
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
A growing Internet controversy forces the Juggernaut to confront his past comments about women and the handicapped.
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Ray Kurzweil meets Jeff Foxworthy. Because even after the gray goo starts to spread across the land there will still be rednecks that need help identifying themselves.
In a Something Awful exclusive, get an insider's look at the creative forces behind this beloved sitcom about family, togetherness, and potions.
Don't let him start playing soccer before reading this!
After setting his sights on the factual errors in Gravity, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson takes aim at the mega-macho revenge flick Machete Kills.
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
New York Times opinion thinker Thomas Friedman takes time off from his globe-hopping insights to write for the IHOP menu.
Eryk danced with the dress across the parking lot. The street lights became disco balls, the raccoons by the dumpster became promgoers and slow-dance music played from the storm drains. "Look,” the dress said, “They’re announcing us prom queen and queen.”
Came to identify a body. Noticed this fountain in the corner and decided to help myself. The experience was so awful it soured the rest of my day. There was mold all over the spigot, and a heavy buildup of hardened phlegm inside. I felt terrible knowing my son's corpse was sitting so close to such a miserable excuse for a fountain.
What lies below Devil's Manor? In one of the latter chapters of the book, we explore the foundations of the devilish sexhouse.
Your fantasies have grown dangerous. You are changing the world around you and you must stop before it is too late.
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
Tom Clancy may be resting in peace, but he's not resting on his laurels. He has taken up a job writing tactical scenarios for vegetarian food company MorninStar Farms.
A common citizen of Hill Valley gives an unapologetic account of the area's biggest nuisance.
Do you wish there were more network shows about adults interacting with their wacky parents? Are your favorite Seth McFarlane jokes the ones that are so lazy and blatantly sexist/homophobic/racist that they couldn't POSSIBLY be sexist, homophobic, or racist? Please eat an entire set of silverware then crawl into a trash compactor.
I’m just trying to enjoy a scheduled show at my own glacial pace.
Chiropractor Kevin cuts through the myth and shocking headlines about baby chiropractors.
Frank Opinion is an internationally syndicated columnist covering hot-button issues. His controversial editorial style holds nothing back. Opinion's views do not represent those of Something Awful or its parent company, FedoraSingles.com.
Remember the 1990s? Remember the ominous sphere that hangs above our city?
"BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS! BRICKS!" screeched the hen as she squawked about the clayfield in a fluttering panic. The brickmaker narrowed his gaze, trying to hone in on what he was witnessing. He had been wholly unaware of the phenomenon of talking animals until that moment, and this was a lot to absorb.
I got this for a costume party, but felt so good wearing it I haven't taken it off yet, and the party was weeks ago. People now call me "that weird shirt guy" and sometimes just "him." Feel like I'm making a real name for myself now!
I read a spooktacular new chapter from my upcoming erotic thriller novel!
It is my great honor to curate such an extensive collection of media I have watched while I punished my grisly unit.
If IGN and Gamespot are The New York Times and The Guardian of video game coverage, Something Awful is a scabby stray dog that will happily eat any newspaper it comes across. We make jokes and our game reviews don't have an impact on the highly scientific numbers at Metacritic so we technically don't even exist.
Things get slow and serious with Terrence Malick's "Space Jam," the film that combined the comedy of basketball with the drama of cartoons.
Why the children of Millenials are even more lazy and entitled than their parents -- and why it's all their fault.
I have a few concerns about the characters for this year’s event. Nearly 100% of our attendants last year chose to be schizophrenics, lawyers, or murderers. With everyone yelling over each other to be the center of attention, it descended into chaos quickly. We need more quiet family men, bitter wives, decent shopkeepers and scandalous pharmacists.
The Rasta Banana represents your best traits: your love of Jamaica, of reggae, of potassium.
Alright, listen up, people. Things might just get problematic in this briefing, so I need you to check your triggers.
"This is our company policy," he explained with a sinister laugh. "We never fix anything or help anyone. Standard procedure is to humiliate people and break their things until they leave us alone. I am stomping on your laptop."
Famed atheist Richard Dawkins takes his arguments about religion and pedophilia and sexual assault into the courtroom.
He offers me a glass of water. I'm actually pretty thirsty so I say yes. He starts pouring the water, but the glass never gets filled; it's all coming out the bottom, straight onto the table. Another trick is just him pouring water onto the complimentary bread. He says there's more to it than meets the eye, but it doesn't really seem like there is.
Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.
Financial blogger and anonymous Goldman Sachs informant GSElevator turns his attention to cannibalizing his fellow employees.
I am a veteran of the Total Wars. In my time as a commander in Napoleonic France and feudal Japan I have seen men and empires and tree models alike wink out of existence. For all the cruel acts I have observed and contributed to, nothing compares to the horrors I have encountered in Rome.
It's that time of year once again! Cigarette Monthly's editors and readers have picked the five best cigarettes for Fall and you won't believe what made the list!
Your Secretary of State gives an honest and thorough assessment of the ongoing conflict in Syria.
The mortar and pestle on pharmacy signs looks like an inverted Taco Bell logo. Old people sometimes confuse the two and go to Taco Bell for their heart medicine and get triple beef burritos and die instantly.
Wondering what to do with your basement? Buddy, I have some ideas that will change the way you think about hanging out with the guys.
Originally published in the May 1893 issue of Cricket And Ornamental Tobacco Pipes Monthly, The Case Of The Murdered Man is easily the most terrible Sherlock Holmes story ever written.
With military intervention in Syria becoming unpopular, it is time we do the unthinkable: reveal the Wu-Tang Secret.
On the horizon, a great and hungry fire sweeps across a hillside. The blaze has consumed everything in its path for weeks. Firefighters can only evacuate potential victims or watch helplessly, as they have no cronuts with which to smother the flames.
Listen to my audio audition for the failed animated show, NuttBoyz!
I have a dream of lots of guns, which you can customize, wicked melee weapons, multiple types of zombies including a fat one that explodes, a skinny evil woman zombie, and a horrifying zombie baby swarm.
Anyone who has seen Daredevil knows that getting Ben Affleck to play Batman while in character as Daredevil is a huge mistake. We've been waiting so long for a proper Batman/Superman movie, and now it's doomed.
Don Draper brings his marketing genius to some of today's hottest video games, including Dragon's Crown and Gone Home.
Discover the world-disrupting terror hidden within this simple handheld.
Have any of you been watching Betheba Orwen’s 'Rituals Vs Females in Monsterdom' series on YouTube? Her latest video just went up, and she makes the interesting point that before the Monstergeddon tournament started, the majority of feared monsters in the world were actually female.
Greetings Recent Graduate! Now that you've finished college, it’s time to give back!
William S. Burroughs is hired by Chili's to write enticing copy for the addicting margaritas on Chili's drink menu.
Hey, Elon Musk! Your name sounds like a ghostbuster. Your ghostbuster super power would be coming up with bad ideas and being a billionaire.
Parents, beware. You may think your teen is innocent and well-behaved, but what they're actually doing may surprise you.
This is one steamy fountain. The locker room girls can be real pests, whipping you with towels and calling you a pervert, or trying way too hard to get your attention. Just ignore 'em, because the water here is the real attraction. Perfect flowing fountain with a clean sip. The basin drainage is a thing to marvel at.
An erotic short story from my book, Devil's Manor.
When a billionaire gets bad service from a store clerk, it's time to alert the world to a new grievance.
If you need home repairs done but you don't have enough money to hire a licensed contractor who actually knows what they're doing, call me!
Does Vin Diesel's glow-eyed killer, Riddick, fit Joseph Campbell's monomyth? We put the new film "Riddick" to the test.
One man's struggle to bring the lazy cop stereotype back for the 21st century.
Because of the team-of-five-based mentality of old NBA players (they have to do everything in fives, and the height must be stratified enough to satisfy their ex-basketball comfort levels), they needed someone to play the role of 'Center.' They recruited Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves due to his status as a seven-footer as well as his noted amorality.
Just answer the question.
Dalton thinks he can come into my town and refuse to pay up. Well, I need you to help me teach him a lesson.
No one would get to play Metal Gear Solid V, because everyone had been bad and they should have felt very sorry. It was such a great game, too, lamented Kojima, shaking his head sadly while addressing a room full of anvils suspended over chairs.
If you're having troubles in your life, turn to the one man you can trust: Ryan Gosling's character in "Only God Forgives."
The poor quality of the tape makes it look less like a movie and more like a director’s half-formed idea for one. After a few drinks the room looks the same way, making you forget which side of the screen you’re on.
2613. Present day. The 612th annual Lebowski Fest is held in Bunker 99 of the Ningxia Genoindustrial District, 8th Tier, Automatic Empire of the 74.5th Emergent Consciousness of Viceroy Lao.
This ain't your daddy's autograph. Look at the loops. Look closer, dude. Those loops are hella controlled. I am a professional handwriting analyst and I am telling you that your daddy's loops are wild and sprawling. I've been examining your daddy's signature for years.
We are how the Universe views itself and also how it views entire seasons of our favorite shows streaming wherever and whenever we want.
Make the most of your cartoon cat likeness rights with these handy tips.
Dirk Knifesteel graduated at the top of his class in assassin school, but even so he had always been something of an outsider. But now LaserDetroit, an old timey 1920s version of detroit, but in the future, was under attack, and the people who had made fun of Dirk at school were going to realize just how much he had learned about being an assassin.
Survivalist Fetish? The Creepiest First Date? Naked and Afraid is a complex show.
Kate Middleton is bringing forth the next generation of UK royal. Turn to an American's concept of a British person to find out how the country is really feeling.
You stop, unable to pass until you have answered the McDonald's clown's three riddles and sworn fealty to his cause. The Xbox One awards your compliance with an Achievement, then passes a 3D recording of the last ten minutes to the NSA and its advertising partners.
For an agency doing super-science for the military, DARPA sure likes to release videos on Youtube. Most of those videos are weird.
Extremely enthralled by the concept of an individual trapped inside of a locker for the duration of the recounted story. However, instead of a high school and a locker, you could try the Mexican-American War, and instead of a locker, it could be a person trapped underneath a huge pile of dead bodies.
Cormac McCarthy, renowned author of "The Road" and many other classics, writes reviews of candy for a retro blog.
MSD - Minor sledgehammer damage.
Bayou music coach Sing Pappy returns with a pledge to Usher to stop Justin Bieber's bad behavior and get him back on the right track.
Bone up on the latest information regarding this sport of kings.
After lingering in development hell for more than a decade, Jurassic Park 4 is set for a 2015 release. We're proud to present an exclusive first look at the film's trailer.
In Freelancing Hell, you are Steve Jobs and the children at Foxconn at the same exact time. Are you a bad enough dude to save yourself?
Are we going to let them bulldoze Doc Musgrave's clinic and put up a wings restaurant?
Superman seems like the ultimate friend. In truth, he is the most embarrassing person you could possibly be seen in public with.
Deranged Doyle has July 5th deals on overstocked fireworks! The Grassley! The Downton Abbliterator! Everything must go!
If an unattractive person somehow gets their hands on forbidden Abercrombie & Fitch merchandise, dodging the lava pits and robot mannequins that throw the ampersands from their A&F T-shirts like shurikens, they'll fall victim to the store's mirrors, which explode if they display unattractive people, shooting shards of glass into the people's faces.
I HAVE BEEN A MODEL BOSS. I removed all the raccoons and possums from the soup vats. There's no more yowling to distract you from work. I have reintroduced rats into our intricate ecosystem to keep insects from contaminating our soups. Finally, I have managed to purge the last of the rockabillies from our ventilation ducts and soupyards.
A little help for nature's idiots struggling to function in our modern society.
The camera never falls over during a scene. Actors are always in frame. The film runs at a steady 24fps with very few frame drops. Since World War Z has a big enough budget to ensure that it doesn't have any glaring mistakes, we're happy to say that it will score at least a 7/10.
If you are a black man or woman, and you are wondering when you can say "Cracker," you can find out here.
I didn't always want to play the recorder. In fact, it was the last instrument I wanted any part of, as it carried a certain reputation that I was eager to avoid. My studies were very important to me, and I couldn't afford to get distracted by all the romantic attention that the recorder would attract.
Save reading WebMD and overreacting for the winter. Let's have some fun.
Expert romance artist Chance "Guru" Burton has moved on from ebooks containing PUA techniques. He is now developing the ultimate PUA love potion.
Aye, by all accounts she was lovely. Th' most magnificent vessel ever constructed by human hands, or so they say. Her hull was crafted from th' finest porcelain. Thin as a deckhand's willpower on shore leave in Sexy Gambler's Cove, it was.
TV chef and restauranteur Paula Deen has invited all of the races she could think of to be entertainment at her son's wedding.
I recently got into T-shirts and have been buying as many as I can. They are comfortable and do a great job keeping you cool in the summer, allowing your arms to breathe. I don’t know who this Bob Marley fellow is, but if he endorses T-shirts, he’s got the right idea. Put on a t-shirt. You won’t regret it, buddy.
The perfect accessories to give your restaurant the corporate warmth it needs to succeed.
Who gave her a knife? What is she doing, Enrique? Did you tell her she could carve up my picnic table?
It's sleek. It's elegant. It draws inspiration from a variety of muses, from hotel trash cans to e-cigs and keychain flashlights. It could have been worse.
Edward Snowden revealed the NSA's wiretapping secrets and Internet news sites are revealing his girlfriend's underwear.
"Indiegogo lets you keep the money even if you don't reach your goal,” Kyle explains. “That's how I could afford these posters." The posters say 'Shark,' but there is no shark pictured. "Yeah, my idea was for a shark game. Remember Ecco the Dolphin?" I do remember Ecco the Dolphin. Kyle nods enthusiastically, but he does not offer any more details.
The Best Cyber-Fathers Around! Better than the Real Thing!
Simmering anti-government sentiment finally boiled over in 2017 and soon the first shots of the New American Revolution were being fired up into the sky at Apache helicopters.
A viewing of the Rocky films will entertain you with larger than life characters vacillating between every social class in America. At one point there's even a robot butler. If you watch closely, though, you'll realize that far below the surface a deeper meaning is being put forth by the creators: Punching.
Choom gang member Barry Obama has been having his guys spy on America using the PRISM program and the cooperation of some of the biggest corporations.
In today’s video Emma is doing forced sneezes, where a man holds a handful of pepper under her nose. She secretly enjoys these videos the most. While she hates being dominated during sex, her sinuses are naturally submissive.
This is literally the absolute perfect addition to my tar pit. It's been driving me nuts seeing that tar pit sit empty all these years. Thank you SkyMall. Now I can start having ladies over to the place again.
I'm trying to make it big and pitching my new thriller book, Devil's Manor!
A furious 1930's fan of the Captain Midnight radio serial voices his outrage over the unexpected deaths of several major characters in last night's broadcast.
I won't exactly call it buyer's remorse. Not yet, at least. I'm just starting to realize that a sentient 80 foot tall murder robot comes with more baggage than I had considered.
Maker culture is spreading and changing the way I get people to look at small plastic objects.
Learn the ins and out of the fictional crime world through the wit and wisdom of an equally fictional thug.
PHANTOM MENACE asks: Does anyone have dating advice for non-corporeals? I’m currently occupying (possessing) an elevator shaft in a high-rise, and there is a really cute specter that roams the 27th floor. But I have heard people say you shouldn’t [haunt] where you eat, so to speak. Plus she can’t actually leave the 27th floor, which seems limiting.
It’s a careful dance between the customer’s moral reasoning and the server’s need to pay rent.
The famed author of "Ender's Game" gives Ben & Jerry's a little more than they were expecting for their new ice cream promos.
"Groundbreaking," said just about everyone that took the stage. As far as I can tell, the Xbox One is groundbreaking because it is new. Being a new thing also makes it the "future of interactive entertainment".
Men living the Gorean lifestyle are outraged by the hypocrisy and discrimination they face on a daily basis.
Onward they rode, into the vast unknown. Many were wizened hardcases, their skin leathery from hard years doing what it took to survive the no man's land of BBSes, their eyes permanently squinted against the glow of phantom green text. The majority were fresh faced youths eager for adventure, as if anything good ever came from such folly.
"There are two fountains here, one lower for persons in wheelchairs, one higher for persons not in wheelchairs. The taller one has an entire raw chicken impaled on the bubbler. I got sick after lapping up the water that oozed out from the chicken's pores." -HydraDad
It has finally happened: the guns are grabbed and the dissidents are filling the FEMA camps. As a FEMA camp manager, you need to know how to handle this new order.
That's team captain Andy Chipwich standing near the pool shirtless without crossing his arms in front of his torso to cover his supple breasts. He doesn't even suck in his stomach! Another stunning play by Andy.
Me and all the Mayoneggiacs waited years for this, we helped save your stupid show, and this is how you repay us? WHERE'S THE FRIGGING TURTLE, MITCHELL?
Harlan Ellison's compelling short story didn't always have its evocative and iconic title. Read on, and discover the alternate names for this pioneering entry in the world of evil computer fiction.
Greetings Players! This is UnlimitedTerry for MuffWorld! Our intense development sessions spawned ‘The Raunchiness of Delicious Doug,’ an interesting and erotic patch that makes the game more fun – and sexy! This patch delivers LOADS of new dynamic content and, after very specific media outrage, the addition of Condoms to the game’s erotic toolkit!
Apparently being a worthwhile state takes more than an Etsy t-shirt and an alchemist’s concoction of microbrewers/food trucks/cupcake bakeries.
We love you. We're sorry. Please, stop sticking needles full of poison into your precious faces.
We will talk about another face later on, but for now I'd like to focus on this remarkable face. It does not belong to a microcephalic lucha libre wrestler or an especially unkind caricature of legendary Broncos quarterback John Elway. You're looking at the face of Batman.
Mad man Don Draper meets with clients to discuss TV ad campaigns for Google Chrome, Tax Masters, and Depend SIlhouette.
Life is just a vast warehouse of people, music and beer to be assembled into parties. Here are some of the most popular types of parties happening today.
Mother's Day is just around the corner, and that means you're an awful child because you haven't purchased a gift yet. Don't despair! Bradford Exchange, the SkyMall of the trailer park set, has put together a large assortment of gifts that could, in theory, be presented to a lady who birthed you.
Think, the 1980s, but like, dialed up, and sexier, and maybe a little darker. Like Michael Mann 1980s, not Mr. Belvedere 1980s. I'm taking you there. That's my band, Phoebe and the Cates.
A man was recently paid actual money to speak on the behalf of an entire company, hoping to improve its fortunes with this proclamation about the near future: "It will no longer be acceptable to walk into a room where you can't punch a hole in the wall".
The Decision Points Theater at the George W. Bush Library allows visitors to choose their own presidential adventure. But does it try to rewrite history?
In our search for heroes, your average man often goes overlooked.
I can't stop watching this adorable and hilarious video of an otter refusing to leave a guy's car! Why can't I stop watching? Please, somebody help me. I can't stop.
Are you telling me that every time a bee comes within thirty feet, you have to throw a fit?
Jeff Foxworthy survives the Rapture and breaks out his redneck routine for the rag-draped survivors of the Tribulation.
As a kid I would turn on cable tv late at night and somehow manage to always catch the same weird movie. Bits and pieces of this film have been popping into my head lately, but not enough to identify what it was called. If I can't figure out what the heck this mystery movie was it's going to drive me insane. Maybe you can help?
Your ability to answer seemingly impossible Facebook quizzes is astonishing. I wish I had known you were such a genius when we were in one year of middle school together.
It happens so quickly. One day you're right in the epicenter of cool music, rocking out to 30 Seconds To Mars, and the next day you supposedly have terrible taste.
IS IT WORKING? I've spent about three hours just running it back and forth over a carrot, hoping it would give me some indication when the carrot was safe to eat. I’ll keep running it over the carrot until I get a response. Some kind of progress bar or robotic voice saying something like "WARNING! FECES DETECTED" would be great.
Refresh your awful Twitter feed with these hand-picked heavy-hitters!
This is easily the most comprehensive and user-friendly skeleton program that I have ever used. Not to be confused with the inferior 3D skeleton software Inferior 3D Skeleton, Ultimate 3D Skeleton is a terrific resource for true skeleton connoisseurs.
Thrilling events have made life indistinguishable from a high-octane action movie for the maimed victim of a bomb blast.
Finally, the slimed have a voice.
One night in 1989 I showed up to my job at the McDonald’s in Times Square, New York, and the place was filled with gay ravers. They were dressed as gay versions of McDonald’s mascots, like Mac Tonight in Liberace garb and Mayor McCheese with a rainbow sash.
You’re the renaissance man of low skilled labor. Monopolize entry jobs; control every aspect of the lowest rung. Stack your 1099s to the sky. Contractor till you die.
Perfectly egg-headed Duff, from Ace of Cakes, will insert any type of cake you want into Blue Bunny ice cream.
You know me to be a man of science. Standing on this shore of burgers, though, knowing that I am among the first humans to lay my eyes upon such majesty? For the first time in my life I understand the appeal of surrendering to the inscrutable machinations of a higher power.
Popular gaming website Game Bros announces the results of their reader poll to decide the sexiest butts in video games.
You must move from the bustle of the city to a place of quiet and solitude; a quaint, uninvolved paradise, where you can annoy animals and plants instead of people. You will sit in your chair, staring at the moon and seeing only a reflection of your big dumb ovular face, nodding in congratulatory affirmation at your unique appreciation of nature.
Pointless. The "sensor" gizmo is not smart enough to differentiate between common bird species. SkyMall, please let me know when you develop a product that can specifically target the nervous systems of birds I don't like. I've got some rude characters in my yard, and I want them to suffer for what they've done.
Compared to these crazy people on Hoarders everything is going just fine in my life. I've even bought the tarps and hacksaw.
They could have released all of their classics on Steam or Good Old Games and drowned in a sea of money. Didn't happen. Why? Who knows! The little dude in the LucasArts logo, as it turned out, was either shrugging or waving both hands toward an unknowable point in the future when they would work on something worthwhile.
The world's greatest film critic is hired to review the orb-swarming madness of bullet hell shooter games.
Learn how to make your personal brand of evil palatable with the wonders of Corporate Speak.
All the season's shocking secrets revealed right here!
Professor John Henry believes a man can best a machine, and he sets out to prove it in a test of teaching prowess.
This stick of dynamite kept rolling off the bread. Yes, I suppose a hot dog bun would have held it in place better, but if I had hot dog buns why would I need the dynamite in the first place?
L Ron Hubbard returns in thetan form to do some paid writing for the American Apparel clothing catalog.
"Do you think schoolchildren should be taught that matter exists?" The Miss Beauty USA semifinalists respond to one tough question.
I must warn the more sensitive among you that the particulars of my crime are not for the faint of heart. The words that follow are a graphic account of the incident, and they may leave you feeling weak of stomach. Let me also state, as a courtesy to my business associates, that I alone am accountable.
We round up the hottest babes in the industry for you to look at lustily!
Eyes of Noctum singer and celebrity son, Weston Cage, shares the wisdom he has gained the hard way. By crashing supercars.
The Last Samurai was a solid epic, rarely missing the mark when it veered from reality to become thoughtful or entertaining. Having said that, ten years have passed since the film's release and in that time we've had nearly a dozen follow-ups. This is certain to be an unpopular opinion, but I think the series has worn out its welcome.
Tom Jansing is honest about what he desires out of a relationship. Namely, a good woman who will help him start a family and regularly inflict severe pain on his testicles.
The manufacturer of Zoltar Speaks presents everything you need to know about coping with your new adult body and lifestyle.
As janitor at a counseling office, one of my jobs is to clean the secret staff entrance. The entrance, a 50-foot hallway, runs between the office and the alternate universe where psychologists live.
Two popular paths for the recent college graduate, but which one is right for you?
You can't finger paint a logo. Maybe in 1994. Not in 2013. We're not here to babysit your kid. We are going to throw them in the shark tank and teach them to eat the other sharks.
Leaving your haunted apartment behind and moving into your first haunted home is a momentous, life-changing transition. It's also a big investment, not only in terms of money but in the years and possibly decades that you will spend in the new house. As you shop for the perfect haunted house, remember these important tips.
Podcasting maven and basic cable also-ran Adam Carolla is looking to bring his brand of conservative comedy to a larger, dumber audience.
We decided these shoes were not ideal and shipped them back. By mistake we shipped them back with the dog still wearing them. WE HAVE BEEN ON THE HORN WITH SKYMALL FOR DAYS TRYING TO GET OUR DOG BACK but they have no records of getting her. AT LEAST GIVE US A REFUND, JERKS!!!!
The average person becomes hopelessly stuck five times a day, requiring the help of a loved one or an emergency responder. What if there's no one around the next time you get stuck? And what if your phone isn't at hand, or you have terrible reception, or the cell phone you bought is actually a bar of chocolate with terrible reception?
After the dismal Crystal Skull, the crypt plundering Indiana Jones character is reinvented in this gritty horror-actioner.
Turn to the masters of urban planning wisdom for all of your city ruining needs.
Two giraffes, who as all traveled men know enjoy gazing at clouds, were engaging in their famous hobby one day when a particularly interesting specimen wafted into view. 'That cloud...' said the first giraffe, as he gestured toward the culprit in question.'that cloud is the emperor of clouds.'
It looks like you sifted through your couch cushions, picked out the nickels and dimes, and glued the rest to your face. I should have told you in December. I’m sorry.
I am loving it down here in this pit. It's like a vacation, and I don't want anybody spoiling it with their ambulances and rescue buckets.
Thirty days ago, Nathan Mueller decided to organize a festival for fans and creators of found footage films. Over the following weeks Nathan's behavior became erratic. He kept odd hours, alienated friends, and engaged in increasingly irrational behavior.
Renowned journalist Bob Woodward turn his imagination to the macabre and pens a collection of spine-tingling tales to keep you up at night.
The curtain opens. There is a man sitting in a chair. The Man is reading a newspaper and the headline says: LAST NEWSPAPER EVER, PRINTED TODAY. He turns the page, and the next reads: ALSO, FUTURE NOW ALLOWS US TO RESURRECT DEAD FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM LONG AGO. The man lowers the newspaper. He is revealed to be WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, famous word person.
Like many people, I have squandered my life going to an office, sitting at a desk and staring at a dumb monitor all day. I'm sick of the grind and sick of being just another fat cog in the machine. So I quit. I'm giving all that up to focus on making an easy living using Fiverr.com.
My last act as tenant will be to slip this sucker under the door and peel out.
Didn't set aside two and a half hours of your life to watch Sony's unveiling of the PlayStation 4 earlier this week? I've got you covered. I had nothing better to do. In fact, there was so much free time on my hands that I watched the entire event at 1/4th speed.
What happens when you die in the future? Your lazy family gets virtually nothing.
No business is safe from the mandatory whimsy that's sweeping the nation.
I think it took a lot of courage for me to go into the Living/Unliving With Depression thread and talk about my problem, admitting that I’ve become a human again. Then Howard trolls his way in and calls me a whiner and says I shouldn’t be allowed on the boards anymore because I’m not a “real” monster?! I was a vampire before Howard was even born!
Everything you need to know about the Pope’s retirement from the Holy Gaming Sect
The Unfinished Basement Depot will provide you with some of the tools and part of the know-how to upgrade your underground.
The first cell phones were little more than curiosities.More distracting than useful, they wasted time and led owners to be remarkably inconsiderate. They had unreliable coverage and required you to deal with predatory phone companies. Now you can buy a bunch of apps.
The author of "1984" and "Animal Farm" is hired to write copy for the Fatheads vinyl wall art website.
The touchscreen had an interface I didn't understand, and I kept hitting the wrong buttons, flooding the screen with error messages. Each one made the cashier cringe, but told me to keep going. As I fumbled through the menus trying to upgrade my meal he began breathing heavily.
Exploring the extended creation myth of adorably strange cult kids' show "Yo Gabba Gabba!"
Every time I eat pizza, I find myself realizing that at that exact moment I have lived longer than at any other point in my life. The tasty Italian treat is a miraculous health elixir. It's a wonder food.
Turn to your friends at Something Awful for the latest updates about J.J. Abrams and Star Wars: Episode VII. We promise that each one will be excruciatingly insubstantial by increasing magnitudes.
In the presence of Alex Trebek, everyone wants to look interesting. Few succeed.
There is blood on Jim Davis's hands.
The creative geniuses from the world's top marketing firms came up with some real rib-ticklers for this year's Super Bowl. See the best, exclusively on Something Awesome!
Your lab results from last week's physical just came in, and there were some... unexpected abnormalities. Everything seemed fine during the exam. Remember how you breezed through the hula hoop exercise and drank the quart of milk in record time? You appeared to be in tip-top shape.
Kafkaesque writer Franz Kafka is employed by beverage mixer Sodastream to describe flavors for their website.
The dog looked me in the eyes for an instant, as if to ask 'Why are you strangling me?' I looked at his teeth, then back in his eyes, as if to answer 'To protect myself from your teeth.' At that moment, there was a deep understanding between us. I buried the dog on top of a pile of garbage and lit the dog and garbage on fire with a piece of fire.
Guardian columnist Glenn Greenwald offers his picks for this year's Oscars. Even though he hasn't seen any of the movies.
You just want to buy a stick of butter for your family. Unfortunately, there are so many buzzwords and misleading labels that your head gets to spinning. You're left in the fetal position in the dairy aisle, your nose bleeding, a cell phone in your hand as you whisper to your family that there will not be dinner tonight or ever again.
Minor Star Wars character Nien Nunb wants a reboot from J.J. Abrams, and he will do anything to get it.
Find out what it's like to work next to the famed Italian Horse-man with this document pulled straight from the set of his upcoming Summer 2014 blockbuster!
As I hiked my way through the old pine woods, the sky grew mysteriously overcast. Within moments I found myself caught in a brutal drizzle of mildly cool rain. Calling upon my extensive knowledge as an outdoorsman, I knew that I only had ten minutes to seek shelter and get out of the sprinkle before my body would shut down and die.
In 1996 I won Fox Kids' Create a Video Game Sweepstakes, a contest where the winner got to work with Sega to design their own video game. As a 13-year-old nerd I would've been thrilled, except that my mom and current dad were getting divorced at the time.
You should get one. Great blacks, great color range. Fills the emptiness in my life so much better than the 52-inch we had.
Driven by compassion and bravery, one amazing pooch has become the savior of our small town. He's a better person than any of us - or our kids - will ever be.
Famous horror author H.P. Lovecraft spends his posthumous years writing description text for Brazzers clips.
Retain the good reputation of your instrument of death with these helpful hints.
Dorroile is missing. We are very glad to not have him. He was the Worst Guy, and his gay mischief rained soaking ridicule upon us all. It is good that Dorroile has left. Nobody misses him. However, Your Superiors are required to document his absence so diligent, as with any missing fellow.
FYI I’ve done the research and there is no Victorian gesture of putting your testicles on someone’s neck while they try to watch elderly women drink tea. It’s just gross.
Think you know pop culture? Take our pop quiz and see if you know the indie band from the D&D monster.
I'm going to present you with a few Spider-Man storylines. Only one of them is the real deal, an actual plot that took place in the pages of a Spider-Man comic book within the last ten years. The remaining arcs are fakes. Can you spot the genuine storyline?
The dark children's fairytale, adapted into an action movie, novelized as a children's fairytale using most of the world's supply of exclamation marks.
Total daymare last afternoon. I waked I saw all the monsters from my nightmares, but in human form, as coworkers, family members, and random people on the street.
The following entries meet your request for “most popular holodeck programs plus large breasted alien bathhouse.”