Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Who needs three months of endless summer fun? You have a career!
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans take such a good boy, such a big boy, what a good big boy, yes you are. The Texans have been working out Bortles for a while now; according to reports, they even had him race a horse. Bortles lost, but they were impressed when later, he was able to finish plate after plate of horse meat.
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
Steak-Umm's new social media policy prevents you from living your life.
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
Something Awful is proud to present updates to the unspoken code of conduct that separates the Burger Kings from the Burger Paupers.
The professor pushes the American Soldier aside. The Professor is wearing a tight tweed suit. His glasses glean with an ethnic slant. He makes an awful face and sneers into the microphone. 'Inner city teens are running amok. Where is God to stop them? If God is real, may he strike me down now! Will God knock me out? Is God the Ultimate Rogue Teen?'
It doesn’t matter that it’s still forty degrees out, the future is here and it’s in the form of two gross twigs sticking out a pair of khakis.
Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. Can Big Boss Bedrock save mankind?
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
Winter is a cold, inhuman force, so plow drivers are trained to be cold and inhuman as well. On their first day on the job they're subjected to Chinese snowflake torture - basically the same as water torture except with snowflakes instead of water and Christmas carols playing in the background.
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
How one man utilized the cybersocial quasisphere to generate meaningful social change in the face of incredible odds.
Is that KANYE WEST's visible heartbeat? You won't believe which Los Angeles luminaries entered this columnist's threat range this week!
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
How liberal Hollywood refuses to tell both sides of a story.
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
As if listening to Irish punk music wasn’t enough. This is an official warning: Holidays Just Got Real.
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
SXSW is the world''s hottest tech show next to Comic-Con and the Mex-Texas Rodeo Convention. Find out what 2014's biggest innovations were.
Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing.
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Be on the lookout for these armed and dangerous oldsters.
Instead of complaining about the cold, ask yourself where Spring has been all this time.
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
The Jerk Store called and just read off a list of jokes without pausing for me to say anything.
The walls of my dorm are covered with supermodel posters. Today I tore one down looking for an electrical outlet and saw the words "HELP ME" written repeatedly on the wall in a mix of blood and hair gel, but then the poster re-affixed itself to the wall like a rapidly healing wound.
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
Whew! The 750,000 missing bitcoins have been found!
Are you another millenial waiting around for the world to hand you your future? Accept one of our unpaid internships and make a future with your hamburger career.
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
Outworld emperor Shao Kahn experiences the most difficult and most rewarding kombat of all: fatherhood.
The many facts Americans get wrong every minute of their stupid, stupid lives.
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
What's trending in NBC's cutting edge coverage of the 2014 Olympics
True Detective's nihilist philosopher cop explores his alternate career options as a school guidance counselor. Not that we can change what's gonna be.
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
You think I don't want to be here? I have meticulously planned events to be exactly here. You have lost, you just don't know it yet.
I read the homestuck comic, I read all the updates, I read the whole thing multiple times and I love it. I love to read it in a different art style, where the characters get copy pasted and edited slightly like it's a pokemon romhack, and the writing is mad libs but randomer and more ftw. Basically whatever this is is my shit, so, uh, yeah. reblog.
The father of cyberpunk, William Gibson, is plugged into the marketing for Colonial Williamsburg.
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
Reporters arriving in Sochi have been faced with an ordeal of unfinished hotels, weird bathrooms, and lots of funny signs. Luckily, they're tweeting about it!
Behind-the-scenes of your number one source for people-falling-into-cakes footage.
Gamer Paste is meant as a total food and water replacement that can be eaten extremely quickly between respawns. It goes down easy and digests quickly and reinvigorates your body with all the energies and fuel you'll need! I'm releasing three flavors, Burger, Corn, and Mega Corn, with many more to come, including Extreme Cumin and KC Masterpiece.
Yoga pants on butts. Yoga pants above our cities. In our garages. We need them, but what if they don't need us?
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson gets down in the trenches and gives an episode recap of last night's Big Bang Theory.
Scott said that he loved me but only as a friend, not a best friend like I wanted him to be. Since then our lunches have been awkward; the last time, when he vomited from Burger Hub's cadmium-tainted glasses, we just silently watched his vomit dry for 20 minutes.
Thank you for your amazing support. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see others believing in me. Not only did we prove crowdfunding is the future by smashing past our funding goal, we proved original, thoughtful ideas win out over the same mindless tripe served up everywhere else.
Everyone and their dang grandparents have a Twitter list, so I got my grandpa to make one, too.
Ian McKellen's green screen breakdown was nothing compared to a Weta animator forced to scale hobbits for hundreds of hours.
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Justin Bieber's Sing Pappy, Buddy Breaux, has heard about Bieber's arrest and sends his concern and advice to Monsieur Usher.
Who needs free will Now (that) You Can Work from Anywhere?
‘Absurd!’ scoffed the pterodactyls. ‘We are faster than the frogs, by any measure!’ But the pterodactyls were honorable sportsmen, and they believed themselves bound to oblige a fair challenge. When the day of the race came, the pterodactyls and frogs gathered at the starting line, each side sure of victory. The flag was raised, and off they went!
Finding a job with a humanities degree? Prepare yourself for the hardest journey of them all!
Celebrate Poe's belated birthday with a spine-supporting tale of the macabre, sponsored by Sleep Number Beds.
Only one thing can budge the intractable argument of gun control: more guns. Lots and lots more.
The actor who plays Teen Orc, Darryl Grungus, has never starred in another TV show or film because of his iconic association with the role, as well as the fact that he looks like an orc.
A tale of two pleasure hunters, and we answer some viewer mail.
E! Network used the Golden Globes to remind us all about our slowly decaying bodies. Luckily, they also offered a solution.
Its blade was formed from the purest Elven moonsilver, for that was known by all to be the lightest and most durable of all the metals in the realm, and because ingots were on sale in a buy two get one free special.
Frank Hebert believes that he who reviews the beer controls the universe. Luckily, he has a blog to do exactly that.
Dieting trends change by the minute, and today's juice fast can quickly transform into tomorrow's multiple heart attack and disrespectful roadside ditch burial. But while fads come and go, some things never change: namely, the so-called "staple foods" quickly sending you to an early and oversized grave.
When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people.
If this polar vortex means Hoth-like temperatures, then I deserve Hoth-like amenities.
Dr. Dolittle quickly tired of speaking to animals. It was always such a big downer.
My thick leg hair was once a source of tremendous shame. Now look at all of these trophies.
Find out what the developers of some of the hottest upcoming Steam games are saying to get you to buy into early access.
Years of listening to my coworkers' stories about their weekends have given me the ability to see them as high-def 3D movies, more real than my own life. I walk into a coworker's campsite, her tent a skyward arrow indicating the course of her future.