He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
The people are not clicking through to comment on our Kinja articles. I am sorry. We are pivoting to the Strange Object.
Serial killers: they're just like you and me.
Some Fish Are Just. Too. Big. To. Kiss.
My family wasn't interested in memes or racial theory. No matter how hard I tried to connect with them, they proved extremely intolerant.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Hey, friends! Steve Mnuchin is taking a trip to the money. Let's go with him!
Those NFL players have really stuck their knees in it this time!
What you need is a cramped cargo hold that is an absolute pain in the ass to use. We're talking about a dusty half-closet that forces you to rearrange your entire collection of vests and striped pants to make room for a single crate of iridium jizz flutes.
Incorrect quotes are commonly attributed to historical figures and even contemporary politicians and celebrities. If we're done with reality, then let's use that to our advantage.
You're looking at the most popular tweet of all time. 28K retweets. 54K likes. Nothing comes close. For comparison, the second most popular tweet comes from president Barack Obama, trailing far behind with a mere 1.7K retweets and 4.6K likes.
Wait, so is the competition seriously not happening AT ALL this year???
The Hell Skeletons are here and people have some thoughts about their unholy rampage.
You tried, but you failed. And I'm here to tell you how in excruciating detail.
The scariest thing about Halloween isn't ghouls or ghosts. It's the PC police.
Are you ready to take your game to the next level of tier one? Prepare to own the field of the battleground in your next game of PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds.
Ebay user todd1409 is a liar. The Cowboy Bebop DVDs were in flawless condition when I appeared at his door and threw them at him.
In 2010 it was possible to walk into any store that sold Apple products (an "Apple Shop" if you will) and purchase the best laptop the company ever produced. I'm talking, of course, about the...
Star Wars fan speculation has been swirling about the source of female ejaculation. The answers might finally be coming with the Last Jedi.
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
Your guide to the main subreddits that there are.
"Oh, look, it's me from the future! And there's another me, made of anti-matter! All three of us are reaching out towards the exact same point in space, our fingertips on a collision course."
Levi Johnston finally comes clean about his involvement in the Weinstein scandal and details a disgusting incident that required a green screen.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? The manager's been following me around since the moment I set hoof in this place.
Another mass shooting, another gun control debate. Arm yourself with these verified Founding Father quotes to protect your gun rights.
You might be disappointed in me, but I'm honestly way more disappointed in myself.
The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild is the most popular, critically acclaimed Zelda game since Ocarina Of Time. Think about how many more SNES Classics it would sell!
HHS Secretary Tom Price has been caught making trips to his extravagant pleasuredrome. Now he has offered to pay us back. For the one chair he sits on.
If you grew up in the '90s, before the Ant People came in their death cruisers to conquer Earth and send its people to toil in the uranium mines of Formicus VII, you had a great childhood!
Hi studio. This James Cameron, needing money for Avatar movie times four. What I spend the money on below okay. It's good proposition.
Gentle creature Mark Zuckerberg informs you that he enjoys his dog and wife the normal human amount. That he has a plan. That he will be Gentle Leader.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
I did not see the Tokyo Game Show this year.
We use the hands to shred PHONE BILL. We know not where PHONE BILL originated, nor do we know what it means. These are matters of some philosophical debate. Some say the entire subject is out of our hands.
Our Madre app will commodifying momming and connect Madres with our users.
These are the unsung cowboy scientists. Forgotten pioneers, not only of the wild west but also of the wild frontier of systematic study through experimentation and observation.
Find out exactly What Happened with this complete list from Hillary Clinton's new book.
Get the REAL DIRT from BIG BOYS IN BLUE who deal with BAD HOMBRES!
Media for whoever wants it. If you want some media, just click here. I've got you covered.
Where does The IT Crowd fit into the It cinematic universe? Find out here!
The rise of freeze is overblown and nothing compared to the threat of antifreeze facing this nation.
Before my son, Daniel, was born, I secretly dreaded fatherhood. But the moment I first looked into his wide, inquisitive, glowing eyes, my life changed forever.
What would I do for $1,000,00? Live in a Swiss chalet for one year rent-free. Food and entertainment provided. My every whim anticipated, never experiencing a moment absent of absolute safety and comfort.
Wonder Woman is nowhere near is powerful as the giant blue catgirl James Cameron made on a computer with the help of his brother.
To be honest, it's extremely insulting to be labeled a "Nazi." Was I marching with several Nazis? Yes. Was I waving a Nazi flag as I marched? Yes, but only out of kindness: I was holding it for another man so he could wave a larger Nazi flag.
[sauntering up to joss whedon giving magazine interview] Hey are these guys bothering you
Internment Camp Queens Caught Scamming Extra Servings Of Water And Laying Around All Day In Government-Provided Housing
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
Garfield is a poison of bigotry on our culture and I have never been more offended on behalf of people than I am right now.
Find a discussion thread or facebook post or whatever where two people are having an argument about a movie or TV show. It's probably game of thrones or some shit. Say to one of them: "Hey is this guy bothering you"
One completely reasonable non-sexist man explains why women shouldn't be tortured by white-collar jobs.
On the charge of possessing a face that cannot be depicted as belonging to a relatable human being, we the jury find the defendant guilty.
This is about facts, Jim, and Sonic's arms aren't blue and the President's mpreg fic is canon.
I knew that constantly imagining myself being interviewed for The New Yorker was vain, but it seemed harmless. Until one day.
THREADRIPPER is, in one sense, a computer processor made by AMD. In a broader, metaphysical sense it RIPS THREADS.
The world doesn't make sense. We taxpayers have to buy breasts for genderbenders while our boys in uniform aren't even allowed to flamethrower anybody.
I have raised over $300 participating in quilting bees for the American Quilting Bee Society so I think I deserve at least seven minutes of your time.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
Honestly, the Assassin In Love poster is nearly perfect to begin with. It just needs a few minor tweaks.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Jeff Foxworthy has awakened to the new flesh to tell some redneck jokes.
Remember, traveling underground in a rickety metal tube full of farts carries its own specific code of conduct.
Another site got the better URL but we're still the best creepypasta wiki on the web. YES they are all about video games.
It is for honor and sacred oathkeeping that I traverse the linked realms, pummeling the mightiest warriors from all clans.
Lenny talks about the difficult experience she had with her miserable piece of crap dog who never thanked her for anything.
It's hard to come up with original and compelling brand stories these days. That's why advertisers should repurpose the tried-and-true stories of classic literature.
If I built a functioning arcade stick for less than fifty bucks, you could make a nicer one in half the time and sustain fewer life-threatening injuries.
In the face of crude, rude behavior, a gentleness rises from the West. It is Gentle Creature Mark and he is listening.
I had to register my complaints while they were still fresh. And while the bark was still fresh and pliable.
Hey Asshole! Yeah, You, Jackass! Want To Know Which Disney Princess You Are, You Piece Of Shit?
Around the web and back again to you, the lord of the webrings.
Our new drone will follow behind you in an extremely friendly manner and capture 4K video of your adventures, your friends, your time in the bathroom, and your heartbeat as you sleep.
IMDB user lists can be used to rank film buffs' favorite movies and creators. 90% of these lists have names like "My Harem" and "Far East Pleasures Karma Sutra Women of Beauty"
It’s time to buy pure commercialized masculinity. But which model is right for you?
Boom! Celebrate girl power in the defense industry with the Wise Girl Statue!
Hey gamers! Looking for the newest, HOTTEST game news direct from this year's E3? Well, look no longer - Something Awful's got you covered!
"You're weak, creepy, and pesty. Consider euthanasia! Ha ha"
Levi Johnston announces his new role at the Department of Justice and his dislike of James Comey.
The marginally notable writer Leo Tolstoy once said: "All great literature is one of two stories; a man goes on a journey or a stranger comes to town." Well, almost. That quote is in fact an abridged version of a much longer quote. According to Tolstoy, all great literature is actually one of twenty two stories. These are the other twenty.
First they invaded our corporate water features, then they overran our golf courses, finally they took our freedom.
Time to re-up your inspiration for the grind and put some biz on the board. You are going to close your deals after you see these.
One brave man discovers drugs aren't as accessible as the media would have you believe.
"Hey, Did You Know This?" Gaming is the internet's premier source for game trivia, way better than those other guys.
"My Dance of Healing will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though."
It is standard procedure for the White House to have a synthetic. But it sometimes malfunctions...
This VR game has become sentient and is killing us one by one. But is it art?
Nightwatch Brigade Insignia: Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
Why you honk and how it’s misinterpreted.
Gentle Creature has awakened from his worries. Shhhh. He has gone to visit his gentle cousin who also wants to be President.
Get good at the hottest online murder simulator with our collection of hints.
Hello, I'm the Dilbert guy. You might know me from: Dilbert, the comic strip about an office worker who hates Mondays but loves lasagna, and my 2016 book The Illusion of Thought: 50 Ways I'm Already Inside Your Head, which is now banned from being donated to many second-hand book stores.
A shocking memo from Steve Harvey to his cast and crew has been leaked to the public. You will not believe what he has to say about the giant bird he cares for.
Want to be a Freelance Bomb Disarmer? YouTube Topiary Critic? Horseback Dynamite Tosser? We'll show you how by telling you everything about the job you don't need to know!
Congratulations on buying your first house. With the budget tight for the next 20 – 30 years, here are some great strategies on how to ignore glaring structural damage until you’re able to sell this mistake.
The AHCA allows insurers to dramatically raise rates on people with pre-existing conditions. Do you have one?
Can inflicting severe emotional damage on your own children for profit go too far?
My new neighbour is an immigrant - and I'm fairly sure he's an illegal immigrant - and he has been harassing me and my family ever since he moved in. I'm just - I'd just like to know what legal recourse i have with regard to three major incidents, specifically.
Meet Jiub, a more relatable character than anyone in Oblivion, Skyrim, or Fallout 4. He has like three lines of dialog and I would die for him in real life without hesitation.
Natural and supernatural horrors mount on an expedition to an island music festival for the wealthy.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
Fans have been eagerly awaiting this game since long before its initial promised release date of Winter 2005. But is this truly the worthy sequel to Persona 4: Dancing All Night that we've been waiting for?
No attempt is made to hide the fact that Ripley is the actress Sigourney Weaver. No bandit mask, no hiding her face behind strategically placed palm fronds, etc.
I am an average middle-aged man who is totally done with all these beautiful women and just wants to settle down with the bee tour guide.
Exotic Worlds Are Waiting On The Other Side Of The Screen - Never Be Lonely Again!
Important tips on how to prepare for the massive infestation of longboards and Yeti coolers.
You saw Will Smith and an orc in a cop car and you were sure it was a dream. But it wasn't.
The true reasons behind Bannon's removal may surprise you.
Ever wanted to post? This simple flowchart makes things easy!
Included in the box: Error Tablet (1), USB 3/C/Firewire/Ouya Charging Cable (1), Genuine One-Of-A-Kind Pete Harshnish Rookie Card (3)
J0n thinks a rogue AI is murdering people in his hometown, but things are stranger than they seem in Neo Shit Town.
Given our society's obsession with stalking and ridiculing celebrities, it's tempting to seek a life of anonymity. But beware: not being famous has its own hidden costs.
Mass Effect: Andromeda turns its nose up at the original trilogy's rigid morality. It boasts a more nuanced and intellectually compelling shades-of-grey approach in which a heart icon pops up when it's time to tell an alien to take their clothes off.
Please consider updating your plan to include Trickle Down Antibiotics, the Millennial Meltdown, and other new options.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
If you get these jokes, you KNOW you're smart!
"For all my education, accomplishments, and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own datajack."
There are many requirements planned for Trump's upcoming Mexican / American border wall. Here are some highlights.
It is such an honor you are bestowing on me and one I richly deserve for my actual heroism.
A young boy, facing controversy over a joke in a country with "free speech?" Is this even America anymore?
The newest update to Gwent adds some of the most complex cards you’ve ever seen in competitive, virtual card collecting games.
Was there a movie called Shazam starring Sinbad? Did Sinbad move into my house and live in a nest?
Paranormal Documetary's and Five Night's At Freddy's Let's Play's... and that's ju'st the icing on the cake!'
We take to the streets to find out what consumers REALLY think of the Nintendo Switch!
Amazon's Prime video service boasts a library of over 30,000 tv shows and movies. That sure does sound impressive, but for every Green Room or season of Hannibal there are a thousand YouTube-ish Minecraft ASMR Lego reviews. These are the Prime videos that will never appear on the splash page.
Oh god, how the fuck are we gonna sell these frogurt abominations??
I quit energy department and I'm after a new DC job. I've barely met with Putin. Hook me up.
Sick of the Meat Cube, BK Club and Apple Pie McFlurry? Try ordering these ultra-secret menu items that only a handful of fast-food customers know about.
Doom Guy as Luke Skywalker: Uh! Uh uh uh uh uh! (strafing against a wall)
At what point does your ruthless gnawing count as self-cannibalism?
Liberals want to mess with the rooms where we poo and pee. Unacceptable. We must protect our poo and pee.
More fake science from the mainstream scientists: Dr. Schrodinger claims cat is dead, but cat is alive and a dog.
Yeah, I went there. And I'll go there again. Don't believe me? I'm there ALREADY.
I stand with PewDiePie.
In the coming days Prombles will completely revolutionize the way we think about useless household devices. With less expensive alternatives like Amazon's Echo and Google Home already on the market, what can our smart speaker offer you, the customer?
Celebrate diversity and inclusiveness at your next protest by not calling Donald Trump a nasty little-hands pisspig bitch.
A true patriot has exactly seven t-shirts, with seven slight variations on a single phrase that tell one powerful story. This is that tale.
It seems like a lot of people struggle to drive once the roads get icy. Here are some easy tips to make your winter treks safer.
Don't get cucked this Valentime's Day, thitizens!
When the president randomly draws your name from a hat to serve, it is your duty to spin the wheel and find out what job you get.
Are you a coward, or do you just have more important things to do? Either way, I'll still destroy you with my logic.
Web streaming is a dying medium. Please watch our TV channel.
I am getting increasingly disturbed by all these people acting like punching necromancers is good. This isn't the Age of Eternal Night here, folks.
''Who are “The Warriors,” and why can’t you just play more Styx?!''
Representation in the media is crucial, which is why this character basically named "Moron" being asexual is so important for the movement.
Being forever 21 sounds good at first, but in the grand scheme of things it's an existential nightmare.
Television from an entirely different group of wealthy coastal elites!
REAL free IQ test. Try now for NO COST. As used by DOCTORS and REAL LIFE MENSA GENIUSES.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
Stillson's Controversial Actions During Assassination Attempt Draw Some Criticism
The valor pigs have been looking over your uniform and trying to find fault. Time to show them how army is done!
You said to submit t-shirt ideas to this e-mail address, so here are some I have come up with.
It's the most sought-after toy on the market, but is the NES Mini Classic acceptable for kids? Our experts emphatically say no. All 30 of the system's included games feature scenes that are completely inappropriate for children.
Amazing deals from an adorable criminal.
This ain't your grandpappy's Young Pope. This is the new Techno Pope.
If you don't enter our stores with a gun full of bullets and a brain full of unhinged questions, we'll serve you with a smile.
"Hey jackass! Here's a free tip: When you donate a bunch of new toys to charity, take the store tags off!"
Important techniques for anyone returning from an extended vacation.
Rate and subscribe, you cucks!