I put on my best suit for my job of writing this update!
HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE! HELLO EVERYONE, IT'S ME, #86!
Each day, Americans all over America write to me to thank me for my heroic actions on the glorious green of the gridiron. But what they don't realize is that I give 110% even when I'm off the football field. I don't mean to brag, friends, not by any means. I try to be a humble man, I do. On one rainy day, Coach told me "an arrogant man is only arrogant because he has less than 110% to give." I know this to be true because Coach's playbook covers not just football, but the game of life. You can be as sure as a sunny American sky that I'm as humble a man as I can be! That's why you gotta hear me out when I say what I gotta say! HUT HUT HUT HUT GUT-CHECK TIME!!!!
I gotta say not enough of you are giving 110% to your team! My daily routine keeps me pretty busy. I'm tackling from sunrise to sunset and in-between I'm training and giving 110% to everybody I encounter. From the folks in the stands, to the kids on the street, I give all I've got to give plus a little more! Even with all my responsibilities, I still have time to be a team player on the most important team of all. I'm talking the team with the colors of red, white, and blue. Team America, land of the free and home of the brave! We're all on one team playing football against the world! We may have an advantage over other countries because they don't play "football" right, but we still gotta give it more than our all. Don't think there is room to goof around! Horseplay can tackle even the mightiest of players if he lets his wits hit the showers before the game is over!
What we need to do is cut out horseplay and get serious! It's time for each of you to step up and prepare to tackle through the lines of laziness. HUT HUT HUT HUT LETS GO ALL THE WAY AND TOUCHDOWN!!!! By now many of you are asking me, #86, "how can I give 110% all the time?" Let me tell you, it's as easy as eating one of mom's blueberry pies on a Sunday after church! You gotta go out there and do whatever you can! No challenge is too small or too big to tackle so long as you put your heart and weight into it! I know that everyone needs a little guidance in life! I've been blessed because I've had the benefits of my great teacher and coach, Coach! Coach can't coach everyone, so let me help you be a team player on the great team of America! HUT HUT HUT HUT DO WHAT I DO WHEN I'M NOT RUNNING FOR THE END ZONE WITH A WARM PIGSKIN IN HAND!!!
Coach taught me everything and helped me overcome my doubts and learn to give my all for God, Country, and Sport!TALK TO KIDS AT THE HIGH SCHOOLS OF AMERICA!
Coach started teaching me about life and football when I was a teenager. Back then I played a game called trouble for a team called irresponsibility. Coach helped me learn some hard lessons and set me on the straight path. HUT HUT HUT RED NINETEEN HIKE! Before long I was in school but I still had problems. Now trouble was a game called reading, and also another game called math and yet another one called science. These games challenged me because their rules were harder than any game I had ever played! Plus I was born with a terminal disease called dyslexia that made words fumble around the pages and tackle my smarts! Doctors gave me months to live and my parents thought I was a goner for sure! Coach showed me light at the end of the field by bringing me into sports. My troubles with the books soon ended once I learned a thing or two about tackling obstacles. I beat the odds and I'm standing strong and wise today!
Now I go to schools to teach children to give their all in sports because a strong body and a competitive spirit are the most important things a person can have! That, and the freedom to pursue these things! HUT HUT HUT DEMOCRACY WINS! STAY AND SHAPE YOUTHS, THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY MUST BE FIT TO FIGHT!
RESCUE KITTENS OR PICK UP LITTER!
We all have to keep America looking as beautiful as a freshly mowed football field! In football, the field is always clean and bright, but off the field things aren't always so nice. Us folks have to do our part and pick up litter whenever we see it! Take that garbage and treat it like a football! Grab and run like heck towards the nearest trashcan, scoring a touchdown for unspoiled scenery!
Also, make sure no cats get stuck in trees! HUT HUT HUT! Tackle those trees down to size if the furry friends get trapped up in them. They may be cute creatures, but the good lord didn't make them to decorate trees! Keep those cats out of trees! HUT HUT HUT HIKE!
VOLUNTEER AT RETIREMENT HOMES!
I've learned that the elderly are the most wise! They've lived long lives full of many tackles and cheers and have crossed many bridges over troubled waters! Seek them out and they will teach you many lessons and tell wonderful stories about this great land of ours and the many opportunities it has given good people.
You can help motivate them into giving their all and still rising to the challenges! Just because they are old doesn't mean they don't have fight left in them! Make them know they are not forgotten! NO TIME FOR REST! 110% OR NO CELEBRATIONS! HUT HUT HUT BINGO ISN'T A TEAM SPORT!
DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY!
The most important way a young man or woman such as yourself can give 110% is to join the armed forces! America needs all the strength it can get and just a little more! That little more is you! HUT HUT HUT WE DIDN'T FOIL HITLER AND STALIN AND SADDAM AND CASTRO BY HIDING! We did it through teamwork and sacrifice!
Because of danger and more uncertain danger we need to work together now more than ever! Let's all go out and give 110% and show the world what America is made of! Guts and determination! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT TOUWCHDOWN!
#86/68 in THE BAY OF PIGSKINS
Don't be mistaken by my writing of this article! I haven't given up on hard work and sacrifice! Just this week I served my country in a dangerous mission in Cuba! But I didn't do it alone! I learned the value of friendship and teamwork once more! HUT HUT HUT HUT! I HAD A GUARDIAN ANGEL ON MY SIDE!
READ MY STORY OF DARING AND DANGER! HUT HUT HUT HUT!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.