One Year Later, Same Old Shit
Prior to 9/11, mass destruction seemed only the stuff of video games and movies.As of today, it has been one year since this time last year. A lot of things have changed over the last year, namely the world and pretty much everything in it. America is fightin' mad, and much like the protagonist depicted in "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out," she aims to score a TKO against evil! America is off to a good start, having knocked out many tough competitors and challenges. After the 9/11 attacks, we Americans jumped into action and put up fences and security checkpoints wherever it looked like trouble might loiter. Oh, and we also bombed another country from the Stone Age to the Gravel Age. All these measures have pretty much been effective, as we have yet to be destroyed by terrorists. Congratulations and job well done, United States of America!
Unfortunately, the September 11 Crisis on Infinite Earths unleashed several evils that still haunt us today. I remember that fateful morning last year when I turned on the TV and found out Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay had assumed ultimate power in the universe. Hijacked planes, car bombs, people pissed at the US government, and it was all exploding like a stick of gum glued to a stick of dynamite right before my eyes. Like most people, my initial reaction was "what the fuck!" followed closely by "what the fuck!" Then after the first day, after it had sunk in that my favorite shows probably weren't going to air for a few days, I began to get angry. At first I tried to get angry at the terrorists, but their names were too confusing and foreign to remember and so I gave up that idea. Thankfully there was a greater evil pulsating on my TV screen. The true face of evil flickered in the golden rays of the broadcast spectrum, smiling with devilish confidence.
I have become death, the destroyer of worlds.Let me say that I don't have cable TV and have not had it for close to four years. I don't have anything against cable TV; it's just that I don't want to pay money for a service that doesn't gratify me sexually. The reason I bring this up is because I don't know the first thing about MSNBC or the Fox News Channel or any of those crazy channels that pump news out like it was oxygen. I did grow up watching Headline News, so I know that cable news isn't exactly the major leagues. To cut to the chase, I thought I was safe from the people who were relegated to the arid wastelands of cable news. That was until 9/11, of course. Pretty much every big network affiliate switched into doomsday mode and put their most important anchors on TV. In the case of Fox, we were treated to Shepard Smith. Now don't get me wrong, I know Shepard Smith is hardly Fox's lead news anchor. That guy who hosts Guinness Primetime and the various "When Animals Attack" shows is, but he was apparently unavailable during 9/11. Up until this point in human history, I had never even heard of Shepard Smith. Life was much more innocent and full of life back then.
The problem with Shepard Smith is that he is essentially the antichrist. Apparently Fox drafted this guy right out of televangelist school, because he seriously seems like he would be better off trying to con me into accepting the Lord's Word in exchange for the hypothetical contents of my wallet. His soothing voice and lifeless stare creep me the hell out, and every time he's on TV I feel as if he is molesting me with his mind. All I know is that if Shepard Smith looked at me through the TV and said, "Josh, the time has come for you to kill in my name," I most certainly would. Not because I want to kill people in the name of Shepard Smith, it's just that there is no way I could refuse. The power he commands is unholy, and it grows stronger every day.
I can never possibly understand or even relate to the suffering of those who experienced 9/11 first hand, but I certainly don't think it's that much different than the suffering millions more faced at the hands of Shepard Smith. He held the nation captive and forced us to confront that which we fear most: the infernal torments of Hell itself. When news stopped coming in, none of the networks wanted to let go. They just kept repeating the same news loop while fifty scrolling marquees took your eyes on a wild goose chase so exciting that it may as well have involved the General Lee racing through Hazard County. When they weren't playing that goddamn psychotic loop, they were filling the time in the most obscene ways possibly. At one point I turned on Fox News to see Shepard Smith interviewing Chuck Norris. Surprisingly, Chuck Norris was not in favor of terrorists murdering thousands of innocent people! It got worse when Shepard was taking in calls from viewers, many of whom were reading poetry they wrote. Truly, we all suffered unimaginable pain.
Now Shepard Smith and fellow Fox News 9/11 heroes Bill O'Reily and Geraldo Rivera are hosting a show so retarded that it may well cause Allah to seriously kill us dead and for real this time. It's hard to believe anyone could have dreamed up something evil enough to work alongside the pure ungodliness of Shepard Smith, but Fox did. Geraldo's commando missions deep behind enemy lines and Bill O'Reily's arrogant, incoherent ranting and raving seem like the perfect frosting on the Shepard Smith Cake, which is made from the remains of thousands of horrible birthday cakes harvested from the worst birthdays ever.
Seeing the World Trade Center destroyed was hardly a new sight for me. I had seen thousands of similar buildings destroyed by exploding bananas in the excellent QBasic game "Gorillas." I can of course discern reality from video games, so I understand that the destruction of the Twin Towers was a lot more dramatic in scope. Like Chuck Norris, I don't approve of senseless murder and therefore fully appreciate the unpleasantness of 9/11. But most of all, I just don't approve of Shepard Smith. His career has taken off over the dead bodies of thousands. You need only look into his soulless eyes or hear his reassuring voice to know he is truly the antichrist. If terrorists ever discover we are still vulnerable to attacks (Note: if you are a terrorist, I said that just to totally psyche you out, dude!), I hope and pray to Green Lantern that Shepard Smith is not allowed to cover it. Preferably because he has been burned or stoned to death.
Finally, may God bless Allah!
Hip New Game Review Fresh From The Streets
Lowtax recently took the time mandated by the federal government to review the groundbreaking new game "The Thing." I saw the original movie upon which the movie upon which the game is based, and it was pretty much about a walking carrot trying to kill a lot of people. I can't imagine how a game based on that concept could fail, but life is full of tough breaks and occasionally powerful earthquakes.
The aliens are all essentially meaty, vein-filled rectangular tentacles which shriek like a cat on fire. Some of them have the power to smash through doors, a skill that comes in very handy because none of them are smart enough to turn the doorknob or knock and claim to be a representative from The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. They just run around and randomly try to attack you. I guess that's at least one of the positive points in the game; the computer displays fairly good pathfinding skills. There were only a few times my teammates got stuck in world geometry and couldn't follow me around, which is definitely a big plus in the current "hey, your team members are all as intelligent as charcoal grills" trend in games.
Read the full review in glorious Technicolor!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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