Adult News You, as an Adult, Can Use
I'm jaded. I've been exposed to a lot of pornography. But no matter how much of my busy schedule I devote to watching porn I will never be able to keep up with the endless tide of pornographic releases washing ashore on the shelves of shady video stores near you. To help rectify this I have decided to devote today's update to informing you and me both about the hottest new titles coming out of the adult film industry. Every title I will be covering today has been released in the last month or so. Please keep in mind that I am leaving out about 50,000 other titles released during this same time period. These are just the few I felt were worth bringing to the public's attention.
There is a strong scientific argument that midgets make everything better.Absolute Ass 2
In the streetwise circles I run with the phrase "absolute ass" would be used to refer to something that is horrible. Director Jordan Septo does not disappoint, offering up more than two hours of the worst all anal footage ever seen…again! There are women with prolapsed rectums, women who cry during sex, and several messy bowel movements.
Azz Fest 5
Not to be confused with the legendary "Ass Fest 5", this film takes ass and gives it a fresh and in your face appeal. Most people have asses, but dizzamn, these dames have azzes.
Big Sausage Pizza 2
This is the second release in a popular series of movies with one of the strangest gimmicks in porn. A guy arrives to deliver his pizza and then reveals that he has cut a hole through the pizza and box so that his penis extends through both. I'm not joking. This sends the woman who ordered the pizza into an erotic frenzy and gets me wondering about the sanitary conditions at the pizza place.
Bust a Nutt in My Butt & Bust a Nutt in My Butt 2
When Quentin Tarantino had finished editing his latest film "Kill Bill" he was left with so much footage that he was forced to split it into two separate releases. The mysterious director behind "Bust a Nutt in My Butt" found himself in much the same position. He couldn't make any more cuts, so he opted to release his masterpiece as two separate movies. Luckily for an anxious viewing public the mystery auteur behind these movies will not be forcing us to wait like Tarantino did. Both films have been released simultaneously!
Brotha's P.O.V. 3: Negro Vision
Winner of the "movie title that you want to say is racist but you're not quite sure about that" award. Buy this movie to find out what it's like to live life as a black man. It's sort of like that movie with John Travolta and Harry Bellefonte where white people were the oppressed minority. Only in this one the black guy has constant sex with models.
Cum Eating Granny
At least one family is going to be having a very upsetting conversation at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
Dial M for MidgetFun Fact: Rip Van Winkle was exposed to the entire catalog of Michael Ninn.Fatty Fuck Slut
Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave with laughter right now. This film not only brings us a midget, it brings us a midget having sex with a giant fat lady and a creepy short woman who looks like a ten year old girl.
More pure class from Kandi Peach, featuring girthsome gal Go Go Nasty and her shameless willingness to appear in a film with an insulting title. Coming soon: Cowlike Smelly Cunt Faced Dumb Bitches.
The latest from Michael Ninn proves once again that Ninn is the master of making pornography that you can fall asleep watching. If you have never seen one of his movies try to imagine a pornographic music video for "Tubular Bells". Not to be confused with Nine Inch Nails' equally soporific "The Fragile".
Inseminated By 2 Black Men
Actually just a rerelease of a scientific study from the 1930s called "Negro Mixing: The Devil's Seed in Anglo Saxon Women". Back then they thought that two black men inseminating the same woman would produce a giant super black with the strength of two negroes and the devious cunning of a woman.
I don't know what "intensitive" means, but there are now three of them.
Kandi Gang Fucks 7 GuysCan it live up to the buzz created by 289?Meat Pushin in the Seat Cushin 3
Most filmmakers will try to release a movie with some pun-filled or witty title, but not Kandi Peach. She got gang fucked by seven guys, and she wants you to know exactly what you're getting yourself into by watching her movie.
Won't you be surprised when you get this home and find out it's a bunch of butchers shoving raw steaks into furniture? When the porn industry comes up with a title as modestly clever as this one you can expect to see a three digit number at the end inside of a year.
More Dirty Debutantes 290
Six Dirty Debutantes movies have been released in the last month alone. These guys must film nearly around-the-clock to produce this much pornography and with such regularity. They should probably start offering a subscription to the movies. My question to you is which one is your favorite? I loved 207, but it just couldn't hold a candle to the non-stop deep dicking of 140. I really think the quality has declined in the past 70-75 movies. I just get this feeling that the guys doing them don't care anymore, that it's money and not love of the craft that is motivating them.
Pussy FartsMove over Schindler's List.Smothering Bitches 44
Ladies, if you're ever rummaging through a sock drawer and you find your boyfriend or husband's copy of a movie entitled "Pussy Farts"; put it back. Don't look at it, it will only upset you. Put it back in the drawer, get all of your belongings, and leave a note saying you found "that fart movie" and you're staying with your family until he either gets rid of it or moves out of your house.
I had to research this one because I couldn't figure out what it was based on the title alone. Apparently movies of women trying to asphyxiate men by sitting on their faces are approximately 22 times more popular than movies of guys with their dicks through pizza.
Porno movies are now cribbing titles from phrases used in dairy council advertisements. "Got Milk?" started an unfortunate trend and I predict by 2006 we'll be seeing titles like "Rent to Bone" and "No Cunny Down".
Wetter the Better
Not a good movie to buy someone who lost a loved one to drowning as a gag gift. Believe me, I know from experience.
If next month's releases look anything like the hits coming out right now, I think you can expect to hear more from me on what's hot and what's not!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.