Each copy of Advanced Prayer Strategies comes with 30 original illustrations donated by the unpatrolled halls of St. Luke Elementary School."Be specific. After performing the sign of the cross, give God your name, address, and social security number. It also helps to provide God with a general description of your body type: slim, husky, circumsized, uncircumsized, etc. He may be our creator, but he's not a mind-reader!"
"Our God is a jealous God. When praying for a spouse or significant other, make it clear that you can tell God's been working out, and also that he smells nice. DON'T: discuss bedroom antics or nighttime horseplay. DO: claim that your body is his vessel. DO: gently kiss the enclosed photo of God's image burned onto a piece of toast."
"Nothing makes God tune you out faster than a flubbed line. Write your prayers ahead of time, and print them out for future use. Warning: avoid serif fonts, as they have been known to incur His Wrath. God-friendly fonts: Verdana, Calibri, Helvetica. For special prayers, Comic Sans is generally known as the Holiest of Holy fonts. I suggest that you save it for Doomsday scenarios or high-stakes gambling."
"Dress for success: treat your appointments with God like a job interview. Tuck in your shirt, hide all visible tattoos, and wear sensible pants. Ladies: undo those top three buttons to let God show how much you really care. But please remember to remain fully clothed during the praying process. He may have brought you into this world naked, but He also brought you into a world where clothes are plentiful. Take advantage of this."
Jesus was into some weird stuff during Bible Times. Use this to your advantage."Speak proper ENGLISH. After all, it's the language The Bible is written in. And we all know how much God protects those who speak 'colorful dialects.' Just take a trip over to the side of town where they don't know how to conjugate infinitive verbs and you'll realize how much God hates these people just before they beat and rob you (it happened to my sister)."
- Chapter 5: Fo' Shizzle My Jizzle Chrizzle
"Once you have God's attention, know that nothing makes him happier than when you disparage other religions. Have a pack of Skittles nearby? Plant a red one in the center of your head and start talking like guy from the Short Circuit movies. With just a few simple props, you can create any number of memorable characters: Lecherous Rabbi, Stinky Buddha, Creepy Cleric -- the list goes on and on. Just make sure you are aware of God's non-aggression pact with the Raëlians."
- Chapter 6: Savior So Fat
For 700 more pages of God-grabbing, Christ-capturing prayer strategies, please send sixty dollars in cash or small bags of costume jewelry to:
Local buyers: please ask about our special free kittens offer.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
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