You never thought it was thinkable, but the unthinkable just happened: you've missed Christmas by a relatively huge margin. Maybe you didn't notice the decorations, sales, and omnipresent holiday music that started after the final minute of Halloween. Maybe you confused your Christ-based holidays and assumed the date of Christmas is determined by the cycles of the moon. Or, maybe it's just as simple as a week-long bender. Whatever the case, we're here to help you save Christmas, like so many brave Ernests have done in the past.
Though belated Christmas presents can be considered a faux pas, shopping after December 25th can help you avoid a slightly lesser faux pas: giving someone the same gift someone else already gave them. So be sure to call up all of your future gift recipients and ask them for a complete list of their Christmas presents, all while ensuring them yours are still in the mail. If they press you on this lie, put them on hold for a few minutes and follow up with, "Hmm, the website said it's already been delivered. I'll have them send another one." Not only will this buy you more time, it'll also give your loved one in question a healthy fear and distrust of their neighbors that's absolutely necessary in this modern world of ours.
Holiday traffic poses its own problems, but post-holiday traffic carries its own difficulties. As with Christmastime, you'll be fully expected to obey all traffic signs and signals, outside of the yellow light, which we've all decided as a society is a grey area that can be lied out of if necessary. And be warned: though we've all heard the song "White Christmas," frozen precipitation can happen both before and after this date, and will affect your tires regardless of whether or not the current day has anything to do with the agreed-upon birthday of Jesus Christ. Also, before you consider getting your shopping done as fast as possible by putting the pedal to the medal, remember that, as on Christmas, vehicular manslaughter is a crime, and while it doesn't carry as steep a punishment as first-degree murder, the resulting time spent in court and jail will interfere with your retail agenda.
Once you get to the store of your choice, the battle isn't over. Parking may be slightly easier than it is during the holiday rush, but you'll still have to be aggressive. After all, the distance you park from the front door of any store is inversely proportional to your patriotism, so every step you take to your car might as well be a goose-step for ISIL. Remember, the yellow lines on the ground are just a suggestion, and creative drivers shouldn't be ashamed of thinking outside the box. And, hey, why not park diagonally across two spaces to let the surrounding parkers know "this car is totally superior and you should absolutely not key it if possible." To prepare for next season's shopping rush, consider having a friend cut one of the more vital tendons in your leg to gain legal access to the coveted "disabled" status and the parking riches it provides.
The stores may seem less crowded, but remember, shopping is a competition, and every human you see may be after the exact same gifts you are. To make your life easier, concentrate on Christmas-related items, which are mysteriously marked down in price right after the holidays. Would your loved one care for a copy of A Christmas Story on Blu-Ray after having possibly missed all 40 consecutive TBS screenings? How about the holiday classic that teaches us how to monetize the deformed, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Even a large yard sign that reads "Happy Holidays 2017" can be had for a shockingly low price.
If you don't feel like doing any of the above, and only want to expend the energy it takes to open a new window in Chrome, just get everyone Amazon gift cards. It's less gauche than just giving cash, even if you're essentially sending currency that can only be used in one store that sells everything. If you're going to wait days after Christmas to buy gifts, you might as well send a present that says, "Here. You do my shopping for me." And the silver lining is the lack of gifts you'll receive the following year will really cut down on the amount of shopping you'll feel obligated to do during the next holiday season.
Get in on the ground floor of the hottest new crypto currency sweeping Earthrealm!
Those geniuses in Silicon Valley have done it again and unlocked the true power of chicken.
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.