|Palestine Relief Fund, a charity hedge fund providing financial compensation for Israelis emotionally damaged from seeing too many photographs of bloody Palestinian children.||$630 million|
|Raytheon Investment, lender and financial subsidiary of Raytheon, the nation's #1 supplier of those missiles that explode in mid-air and drop mines over 100 acres.||$500 million|
|Merck Financial, the financial arm of the innovative pharmaceutical conglomerate that invented diabetes and motion sickness.||$465 million|
|Purity Investments, a whites-only hedge fund responsible for burying buses full of guns on 75% of the nation's white separatist compounds.||$375 million|
|Sporting Venues Enterprises, diversified company that secretly buys a controlling interest in stadiums and other venues and then sells the naming rights for a profit to companies with really stupid names. Responsible for Tampax Field, Publishit.com Stadium, and Oreo Double Stuf Memorial Children's Hospital.||$325 million|
|Armorstad Corrections, diversified company that primarily buys failing and overcrowded prisons and makes them profitable by stacking inmates in the holds of ships.||$300 million|
|Cayman Islands Bank, a safety deposit box with its own address in the Cayman Islands. We believe it is operated by a self-aware computer.||$280 million|
|The Animal Cruelty Foundation, a charitable trust responsible for "promoting and engaging in animal cruelty around the globe." Whipped 200,000 lobsters in 2007 and used clamps to bite the legs off nearly a million rabbits in 2008.||$220 million|
|Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, a high-yield investment firm that pays excellent dividends. Recently suffering from some liquidity issues.||$190 million|
|The Holocaust Relief Fund, a hedge fund used to generate money for the legal defense of surviving Nazis.||$175 million|
|Chopafrika, a Zimbabwe-based hedge fund providing machetes and gasoline-filled tires to "ethnic farmers" in "troubled regions."||$120 million|
|Great Ideas Fund, hedge fund for a lobby devoted to upping the penalties on marijuana possession, lowering the capital gains tax, and outlawing cigarettes in bars.||$70 million|
|Dropped while carrying, we dropped this money while carrying it around. Whoops!||$3.5 million|
Now that we've revealed our counterparties we're probably going to be rewarded for our honesty with angry people in the liberal media and grandstanding congressmen demanding "accountability." Some thanks we get.
We're even hearing we might lose CNBC. If that happens...god help us all.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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