I was recommended these by a tiny Indian chief that crawled out of a vent. He was wearing them and he said I should wear them. He couldn't have been more right! These moccasins are wonderful!
Even though I was normal sized when I placed the order, by the time the great thunderbird carrying them in its talons alighted on my windowsill I had shrunk to the size of a baby. They were so comfortable on my feet that the Indian chief began to cry. He said that I could marry his daughter, but my mother came into the room and tried to stop me. I told her I just wanted to live my life, but she said I had to finish college first, which is weird, because I never finished college.
My dog was watching and he bit her and she popped like a balloon. Then I was in a car and the pedals felt so soft through the fabric of the moccasin. I'm no baby, but I know a good baby moccasin, and these are them.
I had never heard of these guys until recently, when I found myself running down a darkened tunnel with them. We were trying to escape a giant lawnmower. One of them is a dragon. I'm pretty sure of it. I can't say how I know, it's just one of those things I know, but he's a good dragon so there's nothing to worry about.
We came out of the tunnel and into the clouds. We were floating and one of them gave me a copy of this CD. There were storms coming and I had this feeling that I had to listen to the music before the storm came. I struggled for what seemed like ages with a pair of headphones and finally I heard the music and the storm clouds just disappeared.
The music sounded sort of like a bell ringing and not stopping. When I woke up I was peeing.
I wished for this watch in a mirror and it appeared on my wrist. It is light as a feather and feels warm against my skin. Cats love it, and every time I wear it I am surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of meowing cats. I feel like I can communicate them, but it's more in ideas and emotions than in words.
I'm not totally happy with it. Sometimes I think this watch has a dark side. When I wake up all of my furniture has been moved around and sometimes I also get the feeling it is laughing at me. I can't take it off, even if I want.
I guess these are the two sides of this elegant watch.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.