I see at least 52 great things in this picture.If you're like me then you're sick and tired of people blaming America for everything that's wrong with the world. Every action of self-defense or commerce undertaken by the USA is cast in the worst possible light and every national hero, new and old, is vilified as a tool in a monstrous system stretching back more than four centuries.
I want to puke my goddamn guts out every time I hear some grade F sissy rushing to apologize for something America did. These people even act like they feel embarrassed by the United States.
I'm not going to get all John Wayne on you, but it's time to respect our country's accomplishments. I celebrate the United States, warts and all. I'm fed up with jelly-backs, Blame-America-Firsters, and eurocommie wusses trashing My Country.
I am Unapologetically American and it's time to take back the flag!
I love my SUV. Fourteen miles to the gallon and runs on premium. I've got GPS and seat-back DVD players. I have a PS3 built into a cabinet in the dash and a flip-down 10-inch LCD for the passenger. There's a 40-disc changer in the back, a dock for my iPod, and enough flywheels under the hood to power a display of Christmas lights.
Have you ever had an American hamburger? We make 'em all ways. They're great with cheddar, mushrooms, beefsteak tomatoes, bacon, and grilled onions. We've got sesame seed buns, kaiser rolls, and for the adventurous; donuts. I like hot peppers and A1 on mine. Nothing less than half a pound of ground beef, sliced from the side of a shorthorn with a heart corn-fed to bursting and blood pumped full of enough antibiotics to cure a vampire's bronchitis.
Nothing beats our combo restaurants. I love walking into a gas station's Burger King and getting exactly the Dunkin Donuts I wanted. Nothing tops the feeling of tossing your Taco Bell wrappers into the A&W Rootbeer trash can. It's exhilarating.
Imagine everyone in the poop shanties of Slum Dog Millionaire standing just off camera watching this place get torched.People give Hollywood a hard time, they churn out some stinkers, but nobody makes movies like Hollywood. Name any other country that makes better movies. I don't remember Turkish Spiderman opening on 2,000 screens.
We make movies about robots with budgets bigger than the GDP of some island nations. Did you see that Batman movie? They must have blown up three blocks of Chicago making that thing.
What about Terminator 2? That Cyberdyne building they blow up looked brand new. Think about that. Think about building a whole office building and then blowing it up for a movie. That's America, bro.
We blow up museums and 3,000 year old dusty minarets and shit in Baghdad and that stuff is lucky to end up on Liveleak. Hollywood doesn't give a shit. You ever seen a French movie? I saw one once. Everybody was smoking and talking and not one mention of a meteor or alien. If it's worth watching and it ain't American then Hollywood will just remake it better.
You ever seen that ring movie? "Ring," I think it's called. That was Chinese first, but then they cut out the Chinese people and put in a hot American broad.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.