September 11th, 2001. Thousands of people killed. Billions of dollars up in flames. Two hulking skyscrapers reduced to a smoldering heap of rubble and broken lives. It was a tragedy that the world, much less America, had never seen before. The sheer magnitude of this catastrophe is unparalleled and the nation still reels in shock. However, while the media has been quick to publicize the graphic carnage from these disaster zones, they have failed to display the other sickening and deadly force that is currently attacking America: the Flash movie tributes to the WTC attack.
Movies began to flood into Newgrounds, the Flash car wreck of the Internet, only hours after the attacks were reported. In case you've never been to Newgrounds before, let me summarize the site for you so you don't have to head there and have your browser lock up and crash every page. This site is dedicated to accepting any embarrassingly horrible, pointless, intensely moronic Flash dribble produced. Instead of simply deleting "MY FIRST FLASH PROJECT.SWF" from your harddrive, Newgrounds encourages viewers to submit it so the rest of the world can watch and decide to immediately uninstall Flash from their computers. I think Newgrounds is secretly an anti-Flash site, created to drive people away from ever touching the program, as 99% of the movies there rival disk defragmenting in terms of sheer entertainment value. The recent influx of movies have centered around the tragic 911 catastrophe, pulling hoards of aerosol-huffing teenagers from their damp basements and promoting their humiliating Flash movies, which are legally considered crimes against humanity. While their heart may be in the right place, I'm afraid their brain evacuated their skull years ago and is currently missing in action. We will be examining some of the worst and most awful tributes to the WTC disaster in the upcoming days, starting with this update, and what I feel is simply one of the most pathetic movies ever created.
AWFUL WTC MEMORIAL OF THE DAY
"The Day of Destruction" by David Hernandez - Think back to the times when you were a child and woke up on Christmas morning. Do you remember the feeling you would experience when rushing down the steps and laying eyes on all the festive and large gifts wrapped with your name written across them? Do you remember how fast your heart started beating, the sheer happiness you experienced, and the tingling sensation that ran down your back? Now think back to the time when you opened the first gift and realized that it was one of the most retarded presents ever, like a bunch of tubesocks or an educational puzzle. This Flash movie is the equivalent to experiencing that while simultaneously having an adult mule kick you in your genitalia. David Hernandez attempts to re-create the horror of 911 by using grey circles, rectangles, and a series of shapes that are offensive to the entire fundamental world of geometry. Let's take a frame-by-frame look at this movie, much like the television commentators have done with the footage from the WTC destruction.
In the introduction of the movie, which has absolutely no introduction, we are treated to what appears to be a cigarette with wings heading for a large shoebox. I'm fairly sure the shoebox is used to represent the two World Trade Centers, which have been mysteriously compacted into one single building in this feature. Note the exquisite attention to detail that Mr. Hernandez was able to apply on the building, which has a large black box and carrot on the top. Also note that the shoebox has many holes, perhaps for proper ventilation. This suggests that maybe the shoebox is housing a newly-caught cricket, frog, or turtle. There are some grey boxes on the right side of the screen, but I think they're three-dimensional bar graphs for some large, unseen chart. As the mutant cigarette approaches the shoebox, we know that something bad is going to happen. You can tell this by noting the quality of the movie itself, which is bad as well.
The mutant cigarette collides with the shoebox, immediately transforming into a small grey circle and forcing a stick man to plummet from... well... somewhere. I don't know how the guy managed to squeeze his way through one of those small apertures in the shoebox, as his head is gargantuan. The resulting fire from the crash is drawn ultra-realistically, thoroughly convincing the viewer that he is indeed looking at a drawing of fire. Things immediately go from "bad" to "much more bad" as the sound kicks in and a looping "aaaaaah!" scream is played over and over. This sound effect accurately illustrates the sheer pain and disgust of the WTC terrorist attack, as the sound is disgustingly painful to hear repeatedly.
Grey, uh, stuff begins to flood from the crash site, prompting a piece of shoebox to majestically streak through the air, headed for the bar graph. Meanwhile, gingerbread men continue to materialize and fall to the Earth. In a stunning development, they suddenly start falling from the OTHER side of the shoebox, which hints that these people don't really know what they're doing. Perhaps they're confused because the holes in their box are haphazardly punched all over the place in what was probably a drunken rage. The materializing gingerbread jumpers stop falling straight down and instead opt to fall sideways at this point. Yes, they begin to fall down but then decide to drastically alter their course and start heading west. I imagine they're still floating around somewhere, perhaps in a holding pattern over Canada. If you see Sideways Guy hovering around the sky above you, be sure to shout "there floats a true American hero" and wave. I don't think he'll wave back, as he does not appear to have any functioning joints or limbs, but Sideways Guy will appreciate it nonetheless. He will probably say "aaaaaah!" back to you, in the true spirit of American pride.
The chunk of shoebox collides with the bar graph and instantly metamorphasizes into an orange and grey blob. This wad of color alternately shrinks and grows, perhaps confused at what purpose it has in a bar graph. I am guessing that it's used to symbolize the fluctuating and unpredictable stock market. Gingerbread men continue to teleport in and fall, unhindered by the past failures of their brethren. In this shot, you'll notice that two of these men have been surgically welded together. I think this has something to do with the black carrot on the top of their shoebox, although I am not 100% sure.
A second mutant cigarette, completely identical to the first, approaches. The grey blobs have fortunately disappeared, perhaps to foreshadow the upcoming unfathomable magnitude of destruction. Or maybe Mr. Hernandez turned his head to watch the rest of his Dragonball-Z episode, resulting in him forgetting about animating them. We will never truly know the inspiration behind this art.
The second mutant cigarette hits, forcing open a vagina-like hole in the side of the shoebox. This slit is similar to the first circle of doom, which has inexplicably stopped expanding in size. The cigarette careens off the side of the box and skids alongside it, miraculously staying in one piece and perhaps surviving for a possible sequel to this fine film. Maybe it went to join Sideways Guy over the Great Lakes.
The circle grows physically larger than the shoebox itself, suggesting that it is in fact a black hole and the mutant cigarette perhaps has ungodly powers. The orange blobs begin to spread and mutant, consuming most of the film screen and fighting with the nefarious grey ovals. Sideways Men continue to rain from the building, getting caught up in the jetstream and promptly heading west.
"The the towers collapsed!!!!!!!!" The author apparently felt that this scene was too horrific and graphic to present to the audience, so he shrewdly decided to edit them out. Note that his use of eight consecutive exclamation points conveys the true shock and horror of this terrifying event. This emphasis suggests that perhaps the viewing audience should acquire a megaphone, hook it up to a studio amplifier, and shout "THEN THE TOWERS COLLAPSED" as loud as they can in an attempt to recreate the effect. The rest of the movie consists of poorly cropped WTC buildings photos along with a heartfelt message reading "We are really sad to what happened in New York!" Congratulations, David Hernandez: you are truly a sad, sad man, and you are today's Awful WTC Memorial of the Day.
PS: The creators of this Flash movie have a website, fittingly enough located at http://shitanimation.cjb.net.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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