In case you've been sleeping under a rock or have any sense of self worth, you might have missed out on the release of Amiibos, Nintendo's knockoff to the Skylander/Disney Infinity craze. Think mini statues of the same intellectual property you've seen for 20+ years. One problem: Due to distribution issues, limited availability, and uncertain production, the Amiibo market has become a perfect storm of nerd anxiety. Though released in November, the shortages have already caused panic in the Adults That Collect Toys Made For Children demographic. Prices for the discontinued versions are climbing and the dwindling quantities aren't being restocked. It's too late for you unless you follow some of these rare tricks.

Confirmed: Buy online in the five minutes before the preorders sell out. You'll need to speed-run your credit card number and pray your shipping address is saved if you hope to snag one of the six available before they're all snatched by adults hoping the bubble doesn't burst before they resell them off.

Confirmed: Call up that kid from elementary school that always said his uncle worked at Nintendo and let him know that you never forgot his lies about Super Mario Brothers 4 taking place on Mars, but he can still make it right all these years later.

Confirmed: Find a map or a time travel device to find one of the mythical Best Buys. They will often be in areas far away from civilization, wedged between a Jo-Ann Fabric and a tire outlet. Marvel at the existence of brick and mortar electronic store and bask in the cheap lighting as you find shelves that haven't been restocked since Black Friday. It'll feel like you're walking into a memory, but this time you're not here for CDs or Prima guides.

Confirmed: Order from some illicit deep web ring that ships your Amiibo (and four kilos of hash) from a region not exactly recognized by the U.N.

Confirmed: Buy one eBay for six times the price plus shipping from Wyoming but spend the rest of eternity stewing that there is some sick bastard out there profiting wildly from your inability to live without a four inch figurine. He probably isn't even a fan.

Confirmed: Empty your bank account, sell off your possessions, invest heavily in common Amiibos, and hope for some worldwide apocalyptic event that provides an open market trading scenario to play out where your 46 Marios can be swapped up for 2.3 Wii Fit Trainers.

Confirmed: Go to Target and contact an employee in the electronics section. Ask if they have any Amiibos. Then explain what an Amiibo is, then explain what Nintendo is, then explain that it's perfectly normal for someone your age if they're a serious collector, then repeat everything to the manager, then try again in 24 hours.

Confirmed: Rumor has it that international markets are flooded with rare Amiibos. Cancel your plans, forge a passport if necessary, and fly to Morocco. The second you're off the plane, hurry to the markets, and over two glasses of mint tea, broker a deal for the last Marth on the continent. Fly back home and place still sealed toy in safe deposit box.

Confirmed: Since GameStop employees snipe the rare versions before they're even stocked, all you have to do is get in good graces with them. Assume a general apathetic approach towards life, stop showering, routinely lie or give imaginary information to people's earnest questions. Quit your real job and apply there. Commit whatever daily and terrible strikes against humanity necessary to fool management. Sure, the guilt might stop you from ever sleeping a full night again, but at least you got a trinket to line up on your desk.

Unconfirmed: Wait a month until nerd hype dies down and these things reach Beanie Baby level of buyer's remorse.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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