There are certain dreams and aspirations that are part of the collective mind of humanity, the dream to live free and provide for yourself and your family, the dream to live a life unfettered by concerns for your well being, the dream to own an island in the Mediterranean. Thanks to Vladi Private Islands and a shitload of money, one of these dreams can become a reality. Vladi offers a wide variety of islands for your personal island needs and in a wide variety of prices that range from "insanely expensive" to "so expensive your brain liquefies and shoots out of your ears". There are also a few budget islands for those paupers out there who only own two instead of three yachts.
Most of these real estate agencies that sell island properties are marketing them as private retreats for those wealthy few who have a need to escape from the hubbub of this crazy workaday world. But they are missing their target audiences, namely villains, crazy survivalists, and shady corporations. Every evil mastermind needs an island with either a large mountain or an active volcano, whereas the crazy surivavilist wants something out of the way and self-sufficient. The shady corporations want pristine natural land to defile. I took out a loan on the Arlogeist main offices in Skokie in the hopes of expanding our horizons to island real estate. With several million dollars and an astigmatic eye for marketing I set out on our latest business venture.
Arlogeist Islands Sales and Rentals
Welcome to Arlogeist Islands, where we can make your dreams of island ownership come true! Whether you are interested in buying one of our developed archipelagos or simply renting one of our smaller river islands for a week long retreat, we feel that we can meet your needs better than the competition. We have three categories of pricing that will help you find the island that is right for your budget.
Hattock IslandThe facilities on DANGER! RADIOACTIVE! Island are capable of storing and somewhat containing up to 50,000 barrels of waste.Location: Pacific
Size: 10 acres
Description: Hattock Island was acquired from the over-burdened Department of Wildlife under the strict guidelines that we not develop it for habitation so as to preserve the pristine woodlands and scenic views. Carefully obeying our guidelines we have instead turned it into a beautiful park that also happens to include a high-capacity radioactive effluent storage facility. The island has been whimsically renamed "DANGER! RADIOACTIVE!" and the modern steel reinforced concrete construction of our subterranean storage facility will ensure that your contaminants don't go anywhere that you don't want them to. The bunker is accessible by waste scow docking facilities or through a five ton vault door on the island's surface. State of the art air scrubbers guarantee a surface escape rate of less than 500 rads.
Perks: In addition to the previously mentioned features, DANGER! RADIOACTIVE! Island also includes a number of pleasant attractions. Thanks to the mutagenic properties of previous tenants in our storage facility, you will never encounter the same species of wild life twice! From fish with arms, birds with two heads, and wild boars that have mutated into bipedal tribes of sentient hunters and gatherers, DANGER! RADIOACTIVE! Island promises a unique experience every day. You will never need a flashlight when exploring the splendor of the island thanks to a series of atomic tests conducted nearby in 1956. Now all of the trees and rocks are completely luminescent! Sites of interest on the island include the weeping meat tree, the spectacular light show of the emergency venting aperture on our bunker, and the immobile giant dragonfly that has a pumpkin head. Head on over to "Stone Shadow Park" where you can clearly make out the shadows of some three hundred inhabitants who were vaporized almost fifty years ago during the detonation of a hydrogen bomb nearby.
Seal Feces ArchipelagoSeal Feces Archipelago is a bargain bin of seals and their respective feces.Location: Atlantic
Size: 16 acres
Description: Seal Feces Archipelago is the hottest spot on the map for your next corporate retreat or private getaway. Located only hundreds of miles away from San Francisco, California, with small vessel docking facilities and a four room research station, you couldn't ask for a better fusion of privacy and convenience. Seal Feces Archipelago is also a great place to commune with nature! Its 16 acres of erosion smoothed rock is completely overrun with a massive seal colony, in fact this island is so seal-friendly that you'll be lucky to see an inch of ground that's not occupied by either a seal or a pile of its feces. In addition to the grandeur of mother-earth, the research station is home to almost eight-hundred seals and their offspring. The seals overran the sole occupant of the station in 1971, forcing him into the ocean with headbutts and angry braying. His corpse was never recovered, but yours can be, thanks to the emergency locator beacons we have helicopter dropped onto the rooftop of the facility.
Perks: As if that weren't enough already, the facility is fully equipped with hammocks and broken windows that can be easily boarded over to prevent the seals from entering. At night you and your loved ones will be lulled to sleep by the romantic barking of over one thousand "monkeys of the sea". Please do not go swimming off the coast of Seal Feces Archipelago as the high concentration of seals attracts a dangerous mixture of sharks and killer whales that might mistake you for prey. Remember that sharks are more afraid of you than you are of them, unless you're like a pussy or something, in which case jeez, I guess this archipelago is too hardcore for you.
Skull IslandSkull Island's remote-controlled mechanical squid defenses are capable of sinking anything up to and including a pocket battleship.Location: Unknown
Size: 5 square kilometers
Cost: $4,500,000 (available for 1 week rentals for $45,000)
Description: Recently acquired from a private company that wished to remain anonymous and interacted with us completely through an intermediary who wore a black hood and talked with a voice box, Skull Island is a great value! Where else can you get (all for under 5 million!) an inactive volcano that contains a state-of-the-art facility, a large area of lush jungle canopy, and the security that only seclusion and waters infested with remote-controlled mechanical squid can give you? Nowhere but Skull Island! The sinister rumbling of Skull Mountain is sure to intimidate trespassers almost as much as the more than 500,000 mines of all sizes laid on the beaches and approaches to Skull Mountain. The main facility on the island, a 4,000+ square foot base located inside the volcano itself, contains state of the art air-filtration, a number of bunk beds for your henchmen's needs, and a submarine entrance located in the volcanic rock beneath the island.
Perks: The previous inhabitants of Skull Island had a 500mm artillery piece located in the cradle of Skull Mountain and capable of traversing 360 degrees on a rotating platform. The powerful gun was obsolete by the time we negotiated the island's purchase, so we sunk it into the ocean to create a beautiful artificial reef for your recreational enjoyment. The platform remains however, along with the gun mount, allowing you to attach anything from a long-range laser or death ray to an incredibly powerful speaker system or thought control device. In unlikely event of a security breech ten proprietary kill-droids are waiting to be released on the island at the touch of a button. The massive kitchen is perfect for entertaining guests with gourmet meals and refreshments, and the Global Control Center has been converted into a 500 seat home theater. Skull Island is great for a number of applications but would be particularly good as a resort island thanks to its scenic mountain views and spacious accommodations.
Unnamed River IslandUnnamed River Island is almost sure to hold out under Los Conquista rebel siege for at least one week!Location: Dungange River (Amazon River Tributary)
Size: 130 acres
Description: Welcome to a jungle wonderland in the lush tropical paradise of the Amazon River basin. Overflowing with delicious fish, the Dungange River is one of the largest tributaries of the Amazon, and by setting up a homestead on Unnamed River Island you can enjoy it's beautiful solitude. This price has been dramatically slashed as the rebel armies of the Los Conquista move closer and closer to the Dungange River, and has now reached rock bottom! Take advantage of this deal of the century and you will be thanking yourself for the rest of your life.
Perks: A buried land-line to the fishing village of Paedra means that your phone calls will get through when you need them to and won't be interrupted by rebel scouts. Two wooden towers provide an excellent view of the surrounding landscape and make an excellent sniping blind for you to spot and eliminate targets before they threaten your island's sanctity. There is also a small clearing capable of accommodating a two-man helicopter landing and an underground chamber perfect for storing canned food, dry goods, guns, or uncut heroin. Recently inhabited by illegal squatters, the small thatched camp includes amenities such as rustic wooden cages, a spacious latrine, and spooky human remains! This astonishing offer won't last as it is only a matter of weeks before Los Conquista rebels finally make their push on Paedra and seize this diamond in the rough.
I am currently in negotiations to purchase some 18 other islands, although details are not available as of yet I would like to let you in on a few of the real gems we'll be offering here at Arlogeist Islands very soon. Take a look, because I promise you there is an island just right for you!
Rusted Head is located in the clear waters just south of Key West, Florida. Happy Island - Named after the Spanish Civil War Nationalist Commander Enrique Happy, this island was the site of a massacre of over 500 Republican troops. In addition the island is overrun with adorable animals that thrived in the years following the massacre, possibly by eating human corpses left to bloat in the hot sun. That's okay, they aren't dangerous, in fact they are extremely homosexual to the point of being slightly disturbing.
Rusted Head Island - Located within shouting distance of Key West, this man made island was created in 1993 when a overburdened and aging cargo ship carrying refugees from Haiti collided with the rusted hulk of an oil tanker that had run aground on a reef. The survivors of the wreck lived here and supposedly resorted to cannibalism before finally realizing they were less than a mile from shore. Since then we secured the ownership title for Rusted Head, but we are currently in the process of fumigating it for fleas to reduce the risk of typhus.
New Islandia - This is an older property of ours that was recently expanded. You see in 2000 we bought an island off the coast of New Zealand. Then we dug a trench that described a perimeter around a second smaller island INSIDE this island. We filled it with water and sold it to a customer, but retained the rights to the larger island around it. One night while the owner was away doing whatever people who own islands privately do normally, we filled the trench in, thus reconnecting it to our larger island. We then declared the island the sovereign nation of New Islandia and nationalized the recently reunited smaller island. Now we're trying to unload it on the open market because holy fuck does New Zealand smell bad.
Harbor Island - Until recently this island belonged to Jake Kirkoff. He bought the island in 1966 and moved all of his belongings to the island. He then stated that the island was exempt from all laws and that anyone approaching the island would be shot by one of several machineguns he had placed at strategic locations around Harbor Island. Unfortunately for Kirkoff, his island was located inside a harbor in Vancouver, Canada, and he was forced to nearly constantly fire his machineguns at passing cruise ships and freighters. Exhausted and desperately low on ammunition, Kirkoff ordered a special delivery of machinegun bullets. Disaster struck the following day when the boat carrying his ammunition was driven off by concentrated machinegun fire from Kirkoff himself. That evening harbor patrol vessels hauled Kirkoff to jail and the island was put up for auction. We are now in the final round of bidding to purchase it from the nation of Canada.
If you didn't find an island that appeals to you then you must be retarded or sassy in a way that makes you really bad at seeing the value of our good deals. Arlogeist Islands looks forward to serving the needs of our customers, within reason.
Hello, it's Old Livestock here to tell you that a freshly baked Photoshop Phriday has just been pulled out of the oven. Our homeslices at Worth1000.com were kind enough to sponser this week's Phriday, which by the way features horrible educational posters. Here is the sneak peak:
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All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.