Get thee to a Comic-Connery!

In the event that you haven't had the number 5033 burned into your soul, I'm here to remind you that Supreme Ayatollah and master of mirth Rich Lowtax "Kyanka" will be appearing at this year's San Diego Comic-Con! He will be joining the fun-loving lads from Mega64 and resident SA box-art parody master Handré De Jager! Word on the street is that they will be at BOOTH 5033!!

If you would like to know more, and you would like to know more, then click on over to Something Awful's official press release on the subject. There you can find detailed maps of the Convention Center, Lowtax's hotel room and the secret vault beneath Lowtax's house where he locks away all of the mummies he has defeated in hand-to-hand combat.

Huzzah! BOOTH 5033!!

When auction items go unsold and there's nowhere else for them to go, they end up in...

Lot # 477432 - Plastic Sack Full of Soiled Cloth Diapers

Great condition! Plastic sack full of diapers. Number uncertain, but considerable quantity sufficient for all possible needs. Manufacture of diapers unknown, but manufacture of diaper's contents of highest quality. Lot includes bag and cloud of biting gnats.

ASK - $7.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477435 - Nine Horrid Dolls

Nine Horrid, LTD baby dolls dated to 1880-1890. Hair removed with blowtorch, eyelids kicked off, left in the rain until blackened by mold and otherwise mishandled. Left in abandoned factory in 1923, shipped to an asylum for the insane in 1925, and found near the body of a strangulated nurse in 1928. Entered a foreign private collection in 1931. Restored and upgraded with "Help me, mommy!" voice boxes in 1952. Subsequently dropped into a rain cistern along with a dead cat, where they were discovered and painstakingly dried off.

ASK - $250.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477439 - Pokemon Card Misprint

Exceptionally rare and authentic misprinted Pokémon Pikachu card. In place of text for Thundershock attack card lists home address and telephone number of someone named Lloyd Chutswell. Image includes misprint of Pikachu ejaculating lightning from penis. Card encased in 1800 pound block of Lucite for preservation. Condition assessed by expert as "appalling."

ASK - $1.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477561 - Shit in Bottles

Manufacturer's error. We ate too many ships! Lot of 500,000 bottles containing human excrement. Shit too large to enter through neck of bottle. How did it get in there? Amuse and intrigue 500,000 or more friends with this mysterious lot. Some bottles may include bits of sails and masts stuck into the shit. Asking price high to recoup loss.

ASK - $99,000.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477578 - Unique and Captivating Family Photo Album

More than 800 photographs document child's courageous battle against leukemia. Leukemia proved victorious, now album is incredibly depressing to have around the house. May provide hours of laughs. Includes final hair cutting and death mask. Absolutely must go to good home or it goes to the dump. Will include VHS tape of family trying not to cry at last birthday party.

ASK - $5.00 RESERVE


Lot # 477580 - Original Picasso

Original painting by Montel Picasso Williams. Might be a clown or an elf, not sure. Artist unrelated to TV host Montel Williams, but parents are big fans of his work. Painting is admittedly shit, but the frame isn't all bad. Smells strongly of ether.

ASK - $90.00 RESERVE


Lot # 477581 - Large Collection of Imprints of John Stossel's Mustache

This collection is of major significance within the John Stossel community. It was recently acquired during an estate auction and the current owner does not wish to be responsible for the upkeep on the collection. Includes more than a dozen half-eaten glazed donuts with Stossel's mustache imprint in the glaze, the remnants of a cake thrown at Stossel's face during a college lecture ( very clear imprint of his mustache and upper lip), and three towels that Stossel used to wipe body soil and sweat from his face (fairly clear, but a full face imprint!). The centerpiece of the collection is a full frontal body imprint of Stossel in exquisite detail. The imprint was captured in flour, excavated from a pile at a bakery Stossel visited during a story he was doing on poor hand washing habits, and encased in a hermetically sealed chamber identical to the one that houses the US Constitution.

ASK - $1.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477589 - Original Tesla Horse Pollinator

Original vintage invention from Russian genius behind the sail-lift, the rocket pram and charged coil rock polisher. Can breed horses from 300 yards using electricity. Requires steady hand and tolerant horses. Illegal in all states, item to be picked up at abandoned warehouse. Winning bidder is to come alone with flatbed truck and moving crew.

PHONE BIDDING START - $450.00 RESERVE


Lot # 477590 - Store Closing Liquidization

Fish & Chips on Arnold Street is closing in August and is liquidizing its entire stock of videogames. Lot of 700+ games includes new and used titles like Krelp 2, Turf Bigsby's Erotic Backgammon, Pac Grandpa, Veriton Squad IV: Countdown: Mission, Flannel Fantasy Ape, Deborah's Duck and Lady Chatterley's Roboforce. Some 85 pounds of frozen perch included to winning bidder. Mostly spoiled. All titles reek of fish and have been rendered into a liquid. Missing some instruction manuals. Buyer asked to bring their own bottles.

ASK - $1200.00 NO RESERVE


Lot # 477592 - Snake Sweaters

Large collection of hand-knitted sweaters, vests, turtlenecks and scarves for snakes of various sizes. Every item in this delightful collection is modeled after a different white nationalist flag. Entire lot covered in nettles being sold in separate auction. Buyer must sort that out.

ASK - $50.00 RESERVE


Lot # 477593 - Giant Wagon Wheel

Wagon wheel measuring 11 feet across. Good condition, supposedly found inside giant abandoned general store in giant ghost town. Great novelty for wagon-themed restaurant or to repair giant wagon. Number 73 on the Better Homes & Gardens list of top 100 things to keep around the house "just in case." Priced to move, seller pursued by giant pioneers and giant oxen. Guess they shouldn't have stopped in that part of the giant town to ask for giant directions.

PHONE BIDDING START - $1.00 NO RESERVE


Lot #477600 - "Navel Feeding Method", 1st ED

1858 guide to feeding infants through their navels with a syringe. The procedure detailed within this book was famously responsible for making King Edward II impotent and incapable of dancing. Previous owner has transcribed a complete walkthrough for "Gex 2: Enter the Gecko" in red permanent marker over the text of the book. Double the book!

ASK - $200.00 NO RESERVE

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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