The Shit's Hit the Fan

Although I am painfully ashamed to admit it, I must reveal that I'm a big fat optimist. I go through life thinking that I can resolve all problems and obstacles that lie in my path, as I don't enjoy assuming things will turn out like crap and end up riding me from behind. When life gives me lemons, I take the lemons and eat them because hey, lemons are kind of good. Life is far too short to have a permanent negative outlook, which explains the nature of this site -- we take crappy things and turn them into something entertaining. This also probably explains why I continually join up with hosting networks that don't pay me; a glimmer of eternal hope rests in the back of my brain, constantly saying, "hey Rich, maybe, just maybe, these people will pay you the money they promised you." I'd also like to point out the fact that I sometimes confuse the term "optimism" with "stupidity," but I should probably save that for another article.

Despite my firm root in optimism, I recently stumbled across an article which nearly shattered my entire foundation in reality. A news article so bleak and hopeless that my optimism began to shrink and shrivel away like a withering flower. I am of course referring to the fact that the Earth is officially screwed eight ways from Sunday.

THE KEATING PERSPECTIVE - Okay. So the word is out about the Antichrist. His true identity has been revealed. For those of you who may have missed the Monday or Friday Sightings shows, let me fill you in on it. Benjamin Crème is promoting his savior, Maitreya, as god incarnate. Once again, for the record, this guy, according to 500 visionaries, is THE guy. There is also another guy in New Mexico who appears to be vying for the same infamous title. This may add to some confusion, but I think there is a reason we are seeing two world teachers. It is true that there will be many smaller Antichrists, some significant players, especially world leaders, who will qualify as Antichrists. However, in the final analysis, only one “man” will be the ultimate Antichrist.

Once again, the "real" news only comes out on Art Bell.com, the only site dedicated to revealing the truth behind our world, assuming there's a blurry picture of a flying hubcap attached to the piece. This alarming report is one of the most shocking and horrifying things I've ever read, apart from those hilarious ICQ logs floating around the Internet. I don't even know where to begin with this piece, so I'll take it step by step like in the song from the hit TV show "Step By Step," which goes "Step by step, something something something something, step by step, blah blah blah Patrick Duffy."

So the good news is that "Maitreya" is God Himself and is back on Earth again, hopefully to avenge the death of his kid a couple thousand years ago. He is obviously God because 500 "visionaries" claim he's "THE" guy. Now I'm not exactly sure what college courses one must take to become a "visionary," but I can only assume they're pretty high level shit like "Model-Based and Qualitative Reasoning Methodologies" and stuff. To throw a monkeywrench into the equation, some guy in New Mexico is also claiming to be God, so I suppose we'll see who's the true Lord in GodCon 2001. Meanwhile, a truckload of tiny Antichrists are running around and leading the world, all vying for the title of "The Ultimate Antichrist," which will undoubtedly be a pay-per-view event later this year.

According to Crème, Turban Head is the savior, the Christ. So how does the guy in New Mexico fit into the equation? I think Turban Head will proclaim Emmanuel, his counterpart in New Mexico, to be the actual AC. It’s the perfect set-up. In fact, we might even see Turban Head, the World Teacher, take this magical wonder out of the game. The reason for this may be quite simple and a great idea, from Turban Head’s perspective. By removing the other world teacher, Turban Head can declare that he has rid the world of the dreaded Antichrist. Therefore, we will have nothing to fear, and certainly, we shouldn’t fear our powerful savior. That is akin to blowing the “all clear” signal just before the F5 tornado hits.
"Turban Head 10 Dollars." Apparently we're supposed to worship it.

I don't know who "Turban Head" is, but with a name like that, I'd easily vote for him as my savior. His name just sounds so futuristic and cool that I imagine he'll provide the world with bubblecars and laser guns and chewing gum that lets you teleport. Vote Turban Head for Christ in 2001! His campaign promises include killing his rival in New Mexico, which only sweetens the deal! Once Turban Head knocks off his opponent and declares him to be the Antichrist, the world will be happy because that means everybody can sin all they want and they won't go to hell. "Sin All You Want and You Won't Go to Hell" will be Turban Head's slogan. He'll also promise to save Medicare and export all the illegal Mexicans. "Sin All You Want and Feel Free to Beat Up on Them Mexicans" might be a good slogan as well, as long as he doesn't plan on getting the Latino vote.

According to visionaries, we will soon see a monetary crash that will involve the entire world. Even some market analysts fear we are headed for a big financial decline. Turban Head has predicted a monetary collapse for some time. This collapse has to happen to put the ball into play for all end-time events.

That certainly is a shocking revelation, as most people assumed the economy would keep going higher and higher until the most poorest person in the world can afford only TWO Porsches. Of course Turban Head has already predicted this along with the Big 10 finalists. Way to go, Big T!

Along with the catastrophic collapse, we will see extreme terrorism in the US. Already, Russia and China have formed an unholy alliance against us. Their saber rattling should be given considerable attention. Obviously, the administration in Washington has made plans for the inevitable strike against the US. FEMA and various supporting agencies have geared up to handle the attack. It is only a matter of time.
I did a search for "Extreme Terrorism" and this picture came up as a result. And you thought regular terrorism was bad!

I personally can't wait for that. I mean, "Extreme Terrorism" sounds so cool, like all those "Extreme" sports on ESPN-28 around 5:30 am. I can picture the day when thousands of Russians flood into our country with bombs strapped to their backs, riding on skateboards and juggling flaming clubs while listening to grunge rock and roll. Awesome! Tubular! Groadie to the max!

Then, of course, some visionaries have mentioned that a comet strike is due sometime between September and December. Supposedly, this strike will be the result of an impact on Mars and its moon. Allegedly, this will create a form of energy that will be propelled to Earth. In short, this could manifest itself into tornadoes, hurricanes and electrical storms.

Hopefully the comets will start hitting us when the "Extreme Terrorism" occurs, as that could lead to some highly comical events.

BORIS THE TERRORIST: "Ve shall deestroy ze Sears Tower weeth zees plasteeck exploseeves I hide in my Roosian Meeleetary Stealth Wheelbarrow!"
(Sears Tower is hit by comet and blows up)
BORIS THE TERRORIST: "HOORAY!!!"

In addition to the comet and Russian attacks, America will also experience really nasty wearther that will delay traffic even more on the I-405. As far as I can tell, this has been the only major negative consequence regarding the end of the world.

My sources indicate that we will indeed see cosmic dust and debris along with larger rocks. These rocks will light up the skies on their entry into our atmosphere and some may survive, hitting the Earth. As yet, these sources do not think we will see a serious “impact” this year. That is not to say, however, that a significant impact will not happen. Prophecy has been quite clear that we are scheduled for two major impacts. Certainly, when the comets do strike the Earth, we will be thrown into a devastating time with severe weather changes and crop failures in addition to the tidal waves and destruction of cities.

Yeah, okay, more rocks will hit the Earth, big deal. Thanks to the various "apocalyptic films" shown in the past few years, the media has successfully desensitized me to the event of comets blowing up the Earth. Thanks a lot, pop culture. According to the article, corn and other crops will suddenly "fail" when the comets start bashing into us, meaning the corn will stop tasting like corn and will vaguely resemble peas or carrots or something that ISN'T corn. In addition, many popular cities will fall prey to tidal waves, resulting in a booming carpet cleaning industry.

If you add these and other factors together, we can see that we are headed for chaotic times. Bring the UFO invasion into this equation and you have mass confusion and fear that will underscore the demand for a leader of consequence and power. That leader is the Antichrist.
I think we all know who the TRUE Antichrist is: Donald Duck.

Woooah, wait just a minute there, Doctor Doom. Where the hell did this "UFO invasion" come from? I've been waiting for a goddamn UFO invasion for, what, weeks now, and I want more details on this event! The author of this article just casually mentions the inevitable UFO invasion like it's about as important as their last oil change, which leads me to believe the invasion won't be that spectacular. Besides, how the hell are the UFOs supposed to take over when we've got chunks of rock flying through the air, Russians and Chinese blowing up Dairy Queens, and tidal waves / electrical storms making corn turn into carrots? The UFOs have a real tough act to follow, and I don't envy their job at all. They'll probably start invading, realize what a mess this planet is, and leave to conquer somewhere more hospitable and pleasant, like the sun.

It is quite likely that we will see the culmination of prophecy by the year 2005. That doesn’t leave us much time to get our priorities straight and prepare for what lies ahead. We’ve been given this extra bit of time to get our houses in order, both physically and spiritually. Many events will unfold, one right after the other, that are designed to keep us off guard and send us into the waiting hands of the Antichrist.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's all that much we can do to prepare ourselves for all this mess. I would think that defending ourselves from Russians and Chinese would be hard enough, but then you throw in all those other catastrophes and place a four-year deadline on it? Not a chance in hell, crazy lady. Just tell me where to hide from the UFOs and I'll be fine.

Yet these things can be held off as indicated in prophecies from a French nun, Sister Marianne. “As long as public prayers are said, nothing will happen.”

Oh good, praying for Russians, comets, storms, corn, Satan, UFOs, and Turban Head will prevent the world from turning into a gigantic pulsating lump of pure chaos. That's encouraging to know. However, the main problem with this is that I don't know of any churches which specialize in these issues. Coordinating large amounts of organized religious groups to pray for all those topics will be fairly difficult, unless there are impressive amounts of cash donations involved.

Perhaps this is why the Antichrist will close all churches when he takes over. Church attendance is indeed down all over the world, which is in its way, adding to the materialization of the Antichrist. “Towards the end of the world, tyrants and hostile mobs will rob the Church and the clergy of all of their possessions and will afflict and martyr them,” prophesied by St. John, of the Cleft Rock.

Well duh. It goes against the Antichrist's business policies to leave churches open. They might pray for comets to not hit us and then his plan to rule the world will just be screwed. While he's at it, I hope he closes all those "Old Navy" stores too because I just really don't like that place at all.

No matter who the Antichrist is, the day is coming when we have to declare for him or for God. Starving people tend to make hasty decisions, especially if getting fed is linked with pledging allegiance to the dark side. So, put aside food now, store water and medicines and be prepared for a whole new ballgame. The Antichrist’s Day of Declaration approaches as well as the days of unimaginable horrors.

If Ol' Scratch has this much power, you can be damn sure that I'll be on his side when the world starts blowing up. I mean, why should I side with God if all he does is sit on his thumbs when the Saucer People sweep down and start zapping us with ray guns? I want to be on the winning side and that side is obviously Satan's team. Go Devil! As for the "storing medicine" issue, sure I'll store medicines and such, but that's just because I enjoy taking drugs. I imagine they'll be really cool to take when asteroids are flying through the sky and blowing crap up. The UFO people might actually look attractive to me if I'm doped up enough.

So that's the chilling look at the future. I still harvest a small shred of optimism for the fate of the Earth, but now that I know there's an impending UFO invasion... boy, maybe I should become a pessimist.

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– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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