The Shit's Hit the Fan
Although I am painfully ashamed to admit it, I must reveal that I'm a big fat optimist. I go through life thinking that I can resolve all problems and obstacles that lie in my path, as I don't enjoy assuming things will turn out like crap and end up riding me from behind. When life gives me lemons, I take the lemons and eat them because hey, lemons are kind of good. Life is far too short to have a permanent negative outlook, which explains the nature of this site -- we take crappy things and turn them into something entertaining. This also probably explains why I continually join up with hosting networks that don't pay me; a glimmer of eternal hope rests in the back of my brain, constantly saying, "hey Rich, maybe, just maybe, these people will pay you the money they promised you." I'd also like to point out the fact that I sometimes confuse the term "optimism" with "stupidity," but I should probably save that for another article.
Despite my firm root in optimism, I recently stumbled across an article which nearly shattered my entire foundation in reality. A news article so bleak and hopeless that my optimism began to shrink and shrivel away like a withering flower. I am of course referring to the fact that the Earth is officially screwed eight ways from Sunday.
Once again, the "real" news only comes out on Art Bell.com, the only site dedicated to revealing the truth behind our world, assuming there's a blurry picture of a flying hubcap attached to the piece. This alarming report is one of the most shocking and horrifying things I've ever read, apart from those hilarious ICQ logs floating around the Internet. I don't even know where to begin with this piece, so I'll take it step by step like in the song from the hit TV show "Step By Step," which goes "Step by step, something something something something, step by step, blah blah blah Patrick Duffy."
So the good news is that "Maitreya" is God Himself and is back on Earth again, hopefully to avenge the death of his kid a couple thousand years ago. He is obviously God because 500 "visionaries" claim he's "THE" guy. Now I'm not exactly sure what college courses one must take to become a "visionary," but I can only assume they're pretty high level shit like "Model-Based and Qualitative Reasoning Methodologies" and stuff. To throw a monkeywrench into the equation, some guy in New Mexico is also claiming to be God, so I suppose we'll see who's the true Lord in GodCon 2001. Meanwhile, a truckload of tiny Antichrists are running around and leading the world, all vying for the title of "The Ultimate Antichrist," which will undoubtedly be a pay-per-view event later this year.
"Turban Head 10 Dollars." Apparently we're supposed to worship it.
I don't know who "Turban Head" is, but with a name like that, I'd easily vote for him as my savior. His name just sounds so futuristic and cool that I imagine he'll provide the world with bubblecars and laser guns and chewing gum that lets you teleport. Vote Turban Head for Christ in 2001! His campaign promises include killing his rival in New Mexico, which only sweetens the deal! Once Turban Head knocks off his opponent and declares him to be the Antichrist, the world will be happy because that means everybody can sin all they want and they won't go to hell. "Sin All You Want and You Won't Go to Hell" will be Turban Head's slogan. He'll also promise to save Medicare and export all the illegal Mexicans. "Sin All You Want and Feel Free to Beat Up on Them Mexicans" might be a good slogan as well, as long as he doesn't plan on getting the Latino vote.
That certainly is a shocking revelation, as most people assumed the economy would keep going higher and higher until the most poorest person in the world can afford only TWO Porsches. Of course Turban Head has already predicted this along with the Big 10 finalists. Way to go, Big T!
I did a search for "Extreme Terrorism" and this picture came up as a result. And you thought regular terrorism was bad!
I personally can't wait for that. I mean, "Extreme Terrorism" sounds so cool, like all those "Extreme" sports on ESPN-28 around 5:30 am. I can picture the day when thousands of Russians flood into our country with bombs strapped to their backs, riding on skateboards and juggling flaming clubs while listening to grunge rock and roll. Awesome! Tubular! Groadie to the max!
Hopefully the comets will start hitting us when the "Extreme Terrorism" occurs, as that could lead to some highly comical events.
In addition to the comet and Russian attacks, America will also experience really nasty wearther that will delay traffic even more on the I-405. As far as I can tell, this has been the only major negative consequence regarding the end of the world.
Yeah, okay, more rocks will hit the Earth, big deal. Thanks to the various "apocalyptic films" shown in the past few years, the media has successfully desensitized me to the event of comets blowing up the Earth. Thanks a lot, pop culture. According to the article, corn and other crops will suddenly "fail" when the comets start bashing into us, meaning the corn will stop tasting like corn and will vaguely resemble peas or carrots or something that ISN'T corn. In addition, many popular cities will fall prey to tidal waves, resulting in a booming carpet cleaning industry.
I think we all know who the TRUE Antichrist is: Donald Duck.
Woooah, wait just a minute there, Doctor Doom. Where the hell did this "UFO invasion" come from? I've been waiting for a goddamn UFO invasion for, what, weeks now, and I want more details on this event! The author of this article just casually mentions the inevitable UFO invasion like it's about as important as their last oil change, which leads me to believe the invasion won't be that spectacular. Besides, how the hell are the UFOs supposed to take over when we've got chunks of rock flying through the air, Russians and Chinese blowing up Dairy Queens, and tidal waves / electrical storms making corn turn into carrots? The UFOs have a real tough act to follow, and I don't envy their job at all. They'll probably start invading, realize what a mess this planet is, and leave to conquer somewhere more hospitable and pleasant, like the sun.
I'm sorry, but I don't think there's all that much we can do to prepare ourselves for all this mess. I would think that defending ourselves from Russians and Chinese would be hard enough, but then you throw in all those other catastrophes and place a four-year deadline on it? Not a chance in hell, crazy lady. Just tell me where to hide from the UFOs and I'll be fine.
Oh good, praying for Russians, comets, storms, corn, Satan, UFOs, and Turban Head will prevent the world from turning into a gigantic pulsating lump of pure chaos. That's encouraging to know. However, the main problem with this is that I don't know of any churches which specialize in these issues. Coordinating large amounts of organized religious groups to pray for all those topics will be fairly difficult, unless there are impressive amounts of cash donations involved.
Well duh. It goes against the Antichrist's business policies to leave churches open. They might pray for comets to not hit us and then his plan to rule the world will just be screwed. While he's at it, I hope he closes all those "Old Navy" stores too because I just really don't like that place at all.
If Ol' Scratch has this much power, you can be damn sure that I'll be on his side when the world starts blowing up. I mean, why should I side with God if all he does is sit on his thumbs when the Saucer People sweep down and start zapping us with ray guns? I want to be on the winning side and that side is obviously Satan's team. Go Devil! As for the "storing medicine" issue, sure I'll store medicines and such, but that's just because I enjoy taking drugs. I imagine they'll be really cool to take when asteroids are flying through the sky and blowing crap up. The UFO people might actually look attractive to me if I'm doped up enough.
So that's the chilling look at the future. I still harvest a small shred of optimism for the fate of the Earth, but now that I know there's an impending UFO invasion... boy, maybe I should become a pessimist.
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Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
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