Greetings Internet readers! Welcome to another exciting edition of "At the Not Movies With Lowtax and Integral!" We've once again went into the outside world and visited various "non movie" locations, such as the bank or abandoned car wash, and have returned with a batch full of reviews highlighting the most exciting products and people who can currently not been seen in movies! As some of you more astute readers may have noticed, we recently changed the name of our column from "At the Not Movies With Lowtax and the Revolting Dog" because the Revolting Dog was murdered last week by a jealous lover. To help fill the horrible void that Revolting Dog left by getting his internal organs scrambled by a weedwacker, I have asked my fiancee and future wife-to-be Emily "Integral" Reigel to take the vacant seat and help us bring you the freshest and most hip reviews on "Real World" products and people. Now without any further ado, let's get to the reviews!
REVIEW #1: The Creepy Grocery Store Baby in Safeway who stared at me in the frozen food section and then proceeded to lift up a sweater to its nose and inhale, shortly before releasing a "wooooouuuuuumm" noise in my direction.
PRESS RELEASE: Our new "creepy grocery store baby" will be the hit product of 2002, inching out those stupid white visors that all the wiggers wear for no reason. Creepy Grocery Store Baby can make up to three different sounds which include "weeeeeeeoooooo" and "muuuuuuuuhhhdge." This precious infant will bring joy and warmth into your otherwise bleak, dreary lives.
RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA: I have to admit, Creepy Grocery Store Baby did what it promised: it creeped me the hell out. There I was, minding my own business and walking down the frozen foods section of the grocery store, when suddenly this bloated little mutant kid in a shopping cart begins to stare at me. If that wasn't odd enough, and it certainly was, it picked up the sleeve of its sweater, inhaled what I can only assume was every molecule within a 15-mile radius, and then released a horrible "wooooouuuuuumm" noise through a hole which I think was located in the back of its skull. I firmly believe Creepy Grocery Store Baby did everything they promised, although the "wooooouuuuuumm" noise was clearly different than the noises referred to in its press release.
EMILY "INTEGRAL" REIGEL: I have to say honestly that I didn't exactly observe the Creepy Grocery Store Baby grunting and sniffing its sweater. I was looking at the tantalizing frozen pizza section when my partner was aurally accosted by the maggot-like, power-smelling child. I did, however, turn around in time to see the Creepy Grocery Store Baby staring soullessly at me as I left the store, never breaking its gaze even as I continued to be mesmerized by its bulging, vacant eyes. For this reason I am able to say that I agree with Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka when he says that this product delivered on the creepy level that it promised and although I did not have the pleasure of hearing firsthand the grunting sigh it emitted or of witnessing it inhale deeply whatever it was that lurked in its sweater, I was appalled.
REVIEW #2: The empty parking space in front of our apartment.
PRESS RELEASE: This vacant parking space is positioned perfectly for all you "go-getters" who live in the apartment directly across from it. While it usually has a large white plumbing van occupying it and the three adjacent spaces (because God knows plumbing is so fucking important at 2:00 am), we have removed all vehicles and reserved this space just for you!
RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA: Let me say this: I was definitely pleasantly surprised by the empty space outside of our apartment. We came back from eating Mexican food and pulled into the lot, noticing every space was full of various White Trashmobiles. The first thought that ran through my mind was, "ah crap, now I'm going to have to park far away." However, then I turned the corner and, lo and behold, there was an empty parking space right in front of our apartment! It was like a dream come true, my innermost desire materialized in the form of an asphalt slab with yellow lines surrounding most of it. This definitely deserves a big thumbs up. Emily seems incapable of understanding how great this parking space is but that's just because she's a woman and doesn't have the "parking lot gene" than us men do. Also, she's retarded.
EMILY "INTEGRAL" REIGEL: I tend to leave the house during the day to run errands and the like while the tools of the man are at work, so when I come home there are always spots for me to park in. I am not sure why the pleasant surprise of a parking spot after we ate Mexican food affected Rich so deeply, but I have to say that I don't understand it nor do I understand why when there is not a parking spot he becomes very, very, very angry. I give this entire experience a definite thumbs down and really hope he doesn't beat me like the last time I disagreed with him regarding the quality of "Galaxy High School."
REVIEW #3: A losing lottery ticket that was picked up out of the trash.
PRESS RELEASE: As any avid RPG fan knows, very important items and tools are often found by searching through abandoned rooms, bookcases, and trashcans. This losing lottery ticket comes in a handy disposal unit which can be used to store it once you are finished realizing you are holding a lottery ticket that did not win.
RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA: Disappointment. That's all it really boils down to. I saw the corner of this lottery ticket sticking out of the trash behind an empty coffee cup and said to myself, "Rich, today just might be your lucky day!" You know what? It wasn't. There was nothing lucky about this lottery ticket; if I wanted a losing lottery ticket, I'd go up to the damn cashier and buy one. Same goes for the empty coffee cup, although it's very doubtful I'd want to purchase either of these things at this point. I'm beginning to get a bit jaded by my previous experiences with lottery tickets in the trash, and this certainly didn't help any. A huge thumbs down and a terrible disappointment considering the potential it had.
EMILY "INTEGRAL" REIGEL: What is wrong with you, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka? Why are you picking things out of the trash, anyway? I have no idea why you would ever think that a lottery ticket that had been thrown away might contain hidden treasure or even entertainment of any sort. If it was thrown away, it's because IT WAS A LOSING TICKET, DUH. I'm not going to waste my time explaining why you should have known better but I strongly suggest that you stop digging in the garbage... especially other peoples' garbage! It is gross and you just end up complaining for hours afterward that all you ever find is garbage.
REVIEW #4: Finding a whole bunch of magazines and crap that I never subscribed for in our PO Box.
PRESS RELEASE: To successfully run an Internet website, the webmaster must attempt to conceal all their personal and private information from online individuals who enjoy spending all their time harassing and annoying them. The easy access to trial magazine subscriptions and other Internet "freebies" allow these folks to easily send a wide array of mailing list trash mail and free magazines to your home or business address.
RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA: Well when we first opened our PO Box and saw all the magazines and packages that we never ordered, I was a bit pissed off. However, I soon realized that we got some really cool stuff such as a couple gun magazines (not actual gun magazines as in "magazines that hold bullets") and various Jesus-oriented figurines which instantly made me highly religious. These items now adorn my workdesk and cheer up the room by adding a true "touch of class" that couldn't be achieved by my previous interior decoration scheme that I like to call "stacked cardboard boxes." So although I initially gave this one thumbs down, I'm going to have to award it a thumbs up and admit that I honestly look forward to more free stuff in our PO Box. I eagerly await the sequel.
EMILY "INTEGRAL" REIGEL: I was very happy and very surprised when I saw the charming cat figurines with haloes and wings made out of real feathers that were in the PO Box. I was also very happy that we had received several subscriptions to surfing and bodyboarding magazines because I have always wanted to be a champion surfer or bodyboarder at some point and those magazines are the first step in my process to being TOTALLY TITS, DOOD! We also got a lovely Jesus statue so now I am able to enjoy the company of the good Lord while I look at my large collection of Plushie Slash Art. Thumbs up!
REVIEW #5: Our cat incessantly whining to let him drink out of the bathroom sink.
PRESS RELEASE: Second only to dogs and storks, cats are man's best friend. Felines, like any other animal on Earth, have to consume a steady supply of water to nourish themselves. However, sometimes a cat doesn't necessarily want to drink water from its water bowl... it wants something more fresh and exciting! What's crazier than a cat who meows nonstop to drink out of the bathroom faucet and won't shut up even after you've left the water on for 30 minutes so he could drink? Nothing, you jerk!
RICH "LOWTAX" KYANKA: I'll be honest here: I don't understand the fad behind "cat drinking water from the bathroom sink." I'm not sure where it originated and why, but if I had to guess it would probably involve Japan. Our cat used to be quasi-normal, or at least as normal as cats go, and then one day all his neurons rearranged themselves and decided from that day on he will be completely obsessed with drinking water from the bathroom sink. Why? I have no idea; it's the same goddamn water we put into his bowl every day. The only thing that's different is the method of delivery, and to be quite honest, I can't imagine why bending and contorting your head into an uncomfortable angle would make the water taste any better. There's no doubt about it... cat drinking from faucet sink gets an undeniable thumbs down.
EMILY "INTEGRAL" REIGEL: I don't know why the cat does this either but it is getting really annoying. I can't go into either of the bathrooms to pee or take a dump without him running in there and meowing very loudly until I turn the sink on. At first it was cute because I felt superior knowing I had opposable thumbs but it has recently gotten intolerable. Sometimes I just want to relax and poop in peace but that fucking cat just won't knock it off. I am not a big cat fan anyway, and this cat is about one meow away from being tossed into the swamp.
I hope you enjoyed this week's installment of "At the Not Movies With Lowtax and Integral!" Join us next week when we take a closer look at all the dust behind the TV in the living room, the guy who lives below us and has a dog that barks nonstop, and that really big collection of rocks across the parking lot!
This is the lowest market value gold you can get!
Scott "Scotty D" Delbango reporting, at the scene with an update on the recent Comedy Goldmine tragedy! It appears that while inside, several hillarious images were trapped when the mine collapsed, and are waiting to be rescued now. They were reportedly on the topic of Absolut Vodka advertisements. Here is a picture from the scene...
Rescue rangers are working tirelessly to get them out, but you can help by Clicking this link. Our prayers are with the images and their families, and we're sure they'll be safe soon!
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.