You'll Have Nothing

He'll never get the hat backHey kids, it's Uncle Fraggy again with the weekend news: and the news is… nothing has happened! The planet Earth is still rotating about the sun, everyone alive is getting closer and closer to death, and minor stuff has occurred like the death of presidents, the XFL, and the invention of a brand new floor soap that lasts twenty-five years even when stored underwater, but that's all petty junk in the grand scheme of things. Am I right? Of course I am!

There has been no massive extinction or apocalypse-type event for millions of years, aliens haven't tried to invade us, and nobody is launching nuclear missiles at each other. Thus, nothing of any real importance has happened in the world for at least a couple hundred years. Sure, I got a great pair of shoes for $24 because the guy running the store was dyslexic and Communism only seems to work for bearded military baseball players in the Caribbean now, but who cares?

What I'm trying to say is that somebody should invent hover-cars, and invent them in darn short order. The Jetsons had hover-cars, so we should too by now. Am I the only one who thought Judy Jetson was putting out for anything behind George's back, even Rosie the Robot!? Come to think of it, why doesn't the scientific community put more effort into making life more like cartoons? I'd love to be walking around in a forest only to encounter a troop of Gummi Bears. Not only could they help me out and do good deeds, but I could actually eat their delicious candy flesh if I got hungry! Wouldn't that be awesome? Speaking of which, why doesn't Bjørnar B. ever draw Scrooge McDuck? He's the richest, keenest cartoon duck of them all. And remember Tail Spin? It had that freaking Nazi of a lady boss who was voiced by that child-eatin' vocational school sell-out Sally Struthers, and that bear from the Jungle Book who somehow managed to con his way into a job as a FedEx pilot or something. Why can't Baloo be the guy delivering my packages? At least get Alf, he's almost as hard up as Gary Coleman.

If I'm going to be rescued, I want to be rescued by Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers, not some lame high-school dropout with a big chin. Cartoon chipmunks. Not people. That's all I'm sayin'.

Crisp Morning

Every crisp morning I enjoy a good feeling
As all-previous swordfish fall from the ceiling
But with steady hands and feet of fleet guessin'
I never receive a deadly blow to my intestine
The work that is done is of vast undertaking
And that might explain why the room, it is shaking!

Every crisp morning begins this same way
But something is different on this hallow day
Something is missing, yes now I see!
The sources of power, this bloated battery!
Bursting at the seams is a single 9-volt
I try to escape with the aid of my catapult
But it has malfunctioned and now I'm in quite the tight squeeze
With bags full of batteries about to explode on my knees!

Without hesitation I ask for cooperation
From the rebel AAA batteries on the radio station
But my request for help is completely ignored
They cannot afford to waste the power they have stored
Energizer and Duracell and cheap knock-off brands
They're all over me now, and I can't feel my hands!
Now they're all glowing with no signs of slowing
I fight some of them off but they keep going and going!
"We've powered your flashlights and Gameboys," they boast
"Now we're out for revenge; we're gonna tear out your throat!"
My last clean crisp morning becomes my own personal hell
'Cause avoiding the swordfish won't save you from an angry energy cell.

Fresh Soft Taco!

Since it's Sunday and you should probably be in church anyway, check out Taco Teh Wodoner Dog's latest episode of the "Cunrhcy Saviror!" I must say this is the best episode yet, and this is probably the best flash movie I've ever seen, outside of Sheriff Hippo. You owe it to yourself to view "Cunrhcy Saviror versus Mechajudas" right now!

He's also got some other new stuff, but who can understand it?

OH WOW IT WAS CARAZY SO I WA SWAS WALKING IN THE STREEET AND THERE WAS ANTIU SHOP1! BUT I DIDN'T GO IN AN T HE NEXT DAY IT MYZXTERIOUSLY VANISHED!!!!! OOOH!!!! BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO THE TIHING THAT HAPPEENED WHEN THE DAY THAT I FOUND THE ANTIQUE SHOP THAT ITAS SILL THEAR ANI WNTNEXT DOOR AN THIRE WS ATARUKSBUTTI WAS THE MAGIC STARBUCK!!!!!! [Goes on for about another eighty pages]

Good Taco! Good dog! /me pats Taco on the head.

Is There Any Way To Save This Travesty of an Update?

I doubt it. History shows that my novelty value tends to wear off within about two minutes. I've long overstayed my welcome and will probably be lynched by angry SA forum junkies shortly.

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@sexyfacts4u)

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