You'll Have Nothing
Hey kids, it's Uncle Fraggy again with the weekend news: and the news is… nothing has happened! The planet Earth is still rotating about the sun, everyone alive is getting closer and closer to death, and minor stuff has occurred like the death of presidents, the XFL, and the invention of a brand new floor soap that lasts twenty-five years even when stored underwater, but that's all petty junk in the grand scheme of things. Am I right? Of course I am!
There has been no massive extinction or apocalypse-type event for millions of years, aliens haven't tried to invade us, and nobody is launching nuclear missiles at each other. Thus, nothing of any real importance has happened in the world for at least a couple hundred years. Sure, I got a great pair of shoes for $24 because the guy running the store was dyslexic and Communism only seems to work for bearded military baseball players in the Caribbean now, but who cares?
What I'm trying to say is that somebody should invent hover-cars, and invent them in darn short order. The Jetsons had hover-cars, so we should too by now. Am I the only one who thought Judy Jetson was putting out for anything behind George's back, even Rosie the Robot!? Come to think of it, why doesn't the scientific community put more effort into making life more like cartoons? I'd love to be walking around in a forest only to encounter a troop of Gummi Bears. Not only could they help me out and do good deeds, but I could actually eat their delicious candy flesh if I got hungry! Wouldn't that be awesome? Speaking of which, why doesn't Bjørnar B. ever draw Scrooge McDuck? He's the richest, keenest cartoon duck of them all. And remember Tail Spin? It had that freaking Nazi of a lady boss who was voiced by that child-eatin' vocational school sell-out Sally Struthers, and that bear from the Jungle Book who somehow managed to con his way into a job as a FedEx pilot or something. Why can't Baloo be the guy delivering my packages? At least get Alf, he's almost as hard up as Gary Coleman.
If I'm going to be rescued, I want to be rescued by Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers, not some lame high-school dropout with a big chin. Cartoon chipmunks. Not people. That's all I'm sayin'.
Every crisp morning I enjoy a good feeling
Every crisp morning begins this same way
Without hesitation I ask for cooperation
Fresh Soft Taco!
Since it's Sunday and you should probably be in church anyway, check out Taco Teh Wodoner Dog's latest episode of the "Cunrhcy Saviror!" I must say this is the best episode yet, and this is probably the best flash movie I've ever seen, outside of Sheriff Hippo. You owe it to yourself to view "Cunrhcy Saviror versus Mechajudas" right now!
He's also got some other new stuff, but who can understand it?
Good Taco! Good dog! /me pats Taco on the head.
Is There Any Way To Save This Travesty of an Update?
I doubt it. History shows that my novelty value tends to wear off within about two minutes. I've long overstayed my welcome and will probably be lynched by angry SA forum junkies shortly.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.