Today we will be continuing this ongoing debate between myself, and Zack "I have the debating skills of a slice of wheat toast" Parsons. I'm really regretting giving him my ICQ number (256498705 - hi ladies!). He keeps sending me non-stop messages containing "what-if" theories like if the Nazis invented terminators and allied with Iceland and made a super Cobra Command Nazi headquarters in a hollowed out volcano, complimented with scanned crayon drawings that he crafted himself late at night while smoking a carton of cigarrettes and eating gravy. Even yesterday, Zack sent me a ranting and raving message about what a dick his landlord is simply because he filled the communal washing machine with his authentic SS helmets, making it explode into flames and killing the landlord's wife. I'm thinking about blocking him from ICQ, but it's better than talking to Greasnin, who just laments over seasons past while spamming me with gay porn. Well, let's get back to me owning Zack with my razor sharp logic, shall we?
You still honestly think the Nazis are worse then the Imperial Japanese? Well Zachary, let me take this time to rouse you from your “Hogan’s Heroes” wet dream to remind you that the Nazis fell before the Japanese. Do you know why? Because the Japanese were so damn bonkers that they wouldn’t give up and started flying their airplanes into our ships on Kamikaze runs. They got so determined and desperate near the end that squads of Japanese school children were dropped from heavy bombers strapped with loud and light intensive firecrackers. This would confuse the American ships while the Imperial Navy would launch elephants and rhinos from Tokyo’s emptied zoo.
Even the Emperor’s twin poodles dropped on a carrier during a night strike on the US Task Force during the battle of Iwo Jima. The Allied commander in the Pacific, General Macarthur, recalled the sacrifice as “Startling, yet ineffective.”
This is my Grandpa Norman. Although he did not fight in the war because he bruises easy, he often wore regimental headgear to get a veterans discount.That's child's play! If you ask most people what was inside a barn they would say “hay and livestock”, but if you ask a World War II survivor what was inside a barn they would say “agony and horror.” The Germans had a habit of locking prisoners inside barns and then doing terrible things to them. One of the most famous of these incidents involved the Nazis throwing grenades into a barn, but they tossed a lot more than some steilhanders in through those barn doors throughout the course of the war.
In 1942, the Germans had rounded up a group of French partisans and they locked them in a barn, but this wasn’t any barn: this was a barn built on an Indian burial ground. As ghosts emerged from the bales of hay and the walls began to bleed, the Germans outside laughed and began to hurl cheetahs inside the burn. The cheetahs ran rampant, brutally mauling the French patriots, as specters and poltergeists moaned with anguish. Some reports say that the ghost of an Indian chief possessed a horse and made it breathe fire, but more realistic is that the night of terror ended with the SS turning a flamethrower on the whole ghastly scene. What’s worse is that the handful of French survivors did not even inherit the million dollars promised to them for spending a night in the haunted barn.
Excuse me for a moment to chortle at your expense. These so-called “atrocities” that you are describing would not only be laughed at by the Imperial Japanese, but looked at as disrespecting the enemy with mercy. Nazi advisors were in China during the Japanese occupation, and were so shocked at the brutality that it is recorded they wept openly, and constantly wired back messages to their mothers in Berlin pleading for them to pick them up.
American POWs in the Pacific theater fared no better than the Chinese, but unfortunately there’s none around to ask. They were routinely dropped off at Monster Island to sedate the roaming beasts from ravaging Tokyo with their destructive rampages.
Oh, really? Monster Island, huh? It just so happens that the Nazis actually shipped downed American pilots to DEMON Island. You thought Monster Island was hardcore? The Nazis sent POWs to Demon Island as part of a pact with unholy powers to prevent them from reclaiming Germany as the 667th Layer of Hell. Demon Island wasn’t just reserved for downed pilots either; they ran out of them so quickly that in a matter of weeks they were shipping all POWs, petty criminals, and even people deemed “poorly dressed” or “smelling oddly” by the Gestapo. One poor woman from Poland was sent to Demon Island merely because a Gestapo agent mistook her for being cross-eyed when she looked comically at a fly that landed on her nose. A fly, I might add, that was only around her because of the 50-story high office building that the Nazis were constructing out of corpses.
Look how terrible this picture is! These poor POWs would try to sleep sitting up, but then really mean Japanese guys would bonk them on the head with a stick just as they entered REM. Oh yeah? You think that’s bad? Huh, Parsons? Well, check this shit out.
You wonder where cancer came from? That’s right! In an experiment called “Project: Let’s Make a Terrible Disease”, Japanese scientists secretly put highly toxic radioactive chemicals in everyday products like toothpaste, newspaper, and Gold Bond powder. They also knew that Americans love to get a tan, so they depleted the ozone layer by shooting 500,000 aerosol body deodorant cans into the atmosphere. This dastardly plot backfired and caused an explosion in Hiroshima (which the Americans take credit for.) The head scientist for the project stated, “My bad!” They also caused AIDS.
You know what else causes AIDS, Reid? Your lies. That is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard about the Japanese causing cancer. Everyone with even a 3rd grade education knows that Hitler personally created cancer in 1933 as a means to steal control of Germany from the shaky Weimar Republic. Unfortunately for us, all cancer worked so well that it didn’t just claim the lives of the Weimar Republic’s leadership, it turned into an invisible gas that is emitted from swamps and bogs and strangles us in our sleep.
Are you huffing your WW2 Tiger Tank model glue again? The only disease Hitler invented was polio to take out the legs of the advancing Allied army. Of course it failed, and only afflicted small boys, effectively destroying the rollerskate market worldwide. Since Germany produced 93% of the world's rollerskates at the time, this was a huge blunder, and is thought by me and my Grandpa to be the reason why the Germans lost the war.
The Japanese on the other hand, not only caused AIDS, but supported terrorism against the US. Even back then, evil terrorists were plotting 9/11, and the Imperial Empire sent them funding to start up their terror network. We are still fighting this terror even now, thanks to the devious Japanese. What do you think about that?
The Japanese bred this dog for one purpose: To look ugly. Oh, I’m sorry Tojo, I didn’t realize your imaginary Japanese had imaginary Al-Qaeda links. Let’s talk about real links - the links in the chain that connect Nazi Germany to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Remember that dinosaur egg I mentioned earlier? Well after the dinosaur baby was born, the Germans interbred it with humans to create a race of shape-shifting Nazi saurians. Lee Harvey Oswald was a third generation Saurian that was trained by Otto Skorzeny to assassinate democratic and communist political leaders. Not only that, but the weapon he used was a German “smart bomblet”, a bullet-sized projectile that would fragment into several seeker rounds.
As if assassinating the president of the United States wasn’t enough, the Nazis had instructed Oswald to recover his corpse and devour it in a ritual that would resurrect Hitler from his base salts. Had this worked, Hitler would have been reborn on earth with unstoppable powers of sorcery, and Oswald himself would have been transformed into a fire-breathing dragon. I’m sorry, your pitiful arguments just do not hold up in the face of facts like this.
You lying bastard! That was a season 2 episode of Sliders! It's quite clear that you are just conglomerating random images and names that are floating around your opium-addled brain, and trying to pass it off as real fact. I was going to bring out the big guns and describe how the Imperial Japanese created telemarketing, but now I see that it's not even worth my precious time. The Japanese made the Nazis look like prancing schoolgirls. End of story.
Well I think my argument stands on its own two legs made out of the soap and socks of the dead Jewish people. I'll let the people be the judge of who won this little debate between us, but I feel confident that our discussion is over. Also, you're a retard. Nazis rule, Japs drool!
Fuck you Parsons.
Well folks, even if there isn't a clear winner in this historical debate, I'm sure we all learned something. No, not that these kind of updates are horribly unfunny and should never be attempted again. We learned that genocide, human atrocities, and mass experimental torture just isn't cool. It may be fun to read about, and can even be downright hilarious if you have pictures; but in reality, you really shouldn't kill millions of people. I think if there is one thing Zack and I can agree on, it's that people are people, and why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully? Also, Depeche Mode is pretty cool, and does not undermine one's sexuality in the least by dancing to them. Until next week, sayonara suckers!
State Og: The Forbidden Lust
Hello gentle reader, this is Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell once again. "The Forbidden Lust" has nothing to do with this week's State Og, I just figured it'd get your attention. If there's one thing I've learned during my stint as State Og's representative, it's probably been forgotten by now. I mean, let's be honest here. Working for the world's largest evil conglomerate may seem like a dream job, and I'm sure it is. But at the end of every workweek when we finally go home, Og employees' memories are wiped clean. I don't get to remember all the fun I had blowing people up, shooting them, or shooting people as they blew up. Heck, I'm lucky if I get to remember whether I'm wearing the same pants I came into the office with or if they're someone else's, or to even remember what pants are. What I do remember is this tidbit from the new update:
The First World War was the direct result of a very elaborate prank being pulled on Archduke Ferdinand by our company's vice president at the time, Mr. Mister Jeffords. Jeffords had simply meant to wound Ferdinand slightly instead of killing him and sending untold numbers of men to their deaths in the ensuing chaos. If you set aside what happened and imagine he had simply shot the Archduke in the shoulder as intended, you've got to admit it would have been pretty funny. "Oh poppycock," Ferdinand might have said to our vice president afterwards. "There is ever so much egg on my face now, what with my shoulder bleeding profusely and my guards flinching when you shot me. You've brillianted yet another pranksterism!"
Now stop squirming as a result of giddy anticipation, fear, or that ghastly STD you caught which resulted in you losing basic control of your motor functions, and go read this week's State Og!
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If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.