I have barely read the news. Really, only had time for a quick skim. Now I'm aggregating it for a blog so you can repeat what I'm repeating. That way you can post links to this article in your Facebook or possibly just repeat what I said or re-aggregate it into your own RSS Feed. Follow me on twitter to retweet my tweets announcing this article to your followers.
Some guy in Texas was a big stupid baby about taxes and probably watched too much Glenn Beck so he flew his plane into the IRS building and set his house on fire only I don't think in that order. He also posted a big rant on the Internet about it and everyone at Fox News is pretending like it didn't actually happen in that weird fake universe they live in.
|Going for Gold|
Winter Olympics. I think USA is winning. I saw we had a lot of medals. They have a sport called skeleton but it is not what you're thinking. That's the Halloween Olympics. Also Russia is mad because they can't win any medals. Maybe they shouldn't blame their Olympics committee and instead should try electing some better oligarchs.
America is blowing the stuffing out of the Taliban. We caught some dude and then he must have given us a bunch of other dudes because we keep catching more and blowing them up. Nobody in America cares about any of this and if you just told us we won the war in Afghanistan we would probably believe you. America is ready to forget all about Afghanistan again.
|Hole in Too Many|
Tiger Woods is going to apologize and hold a press conference or something. Don't know where or what time and it is sure to be super lame. I have been avoiding any more news about him because the late night shows have run Tiger Woods into the ground so hard I think they're drilling for Elliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton deposits.
|Star Slams Wall|
Pamela Anderson appeared at a fashion show somewhere I don't know where and she looked like an old pair of boots someone drew a face on and dunked in a vat of glitter. She is starting to turn into a monster and she might have lycanthropy. Or Hepatitis.
|Wife Beats Cat Lady|
James Cameron who directed that blue space cats movie that made my mom sick said he wants his ex-wife to win the Oscar for her movie Hurt Lockers. I saw that movie a long time ago and all I remember are Arab guys with cell phones lurking around and causing trouble for a bomb defuser dude. I think the Oscar should go to some other movie but I don't remember what else there even was last year. Was that Wall-E movie last year?
|Boobs in Magazines|
That hot woman from Mad Men with the giant hooters is on the cover of some magazine. Those are some really good hooters as far as that goes. Might be worth checking out if you can figure out what magazine that was. New Yorker? Could be. That's a good show, but maybe not quite as good as the TV show Picket Fences. I never watched that one but I heard it was good.
Bio Shock 2 came out. Did anyone play that? I haven't played it but I probably will when there's a good deal on Steam. I wish somebody would make a sequel to Darklands. As long as it's not one of those 200 different weird German or Russian RPG companies that keep making games where killing an orc makes 50 apples roll down a hill and you have to press "J" to pick up coins and all the 5,000,000 polygon CPU-choking townsfolk stand around with their arms at their sides and shout phonetic English nonsense if you walk too close. "Ha ha! Pretty fit laundry today, for a dwarf!"
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.