Look, I like you. The painting by the river, the ranch house, the menacing gang I get to save you from, weird twitching; you're hitting all of my white hat buttons. It has been a lot of fun so far, but I really, really, really have to take a dump. This is not one of those little 1865 dumps you people must take, this is a real deal 21st century colon-trained-by-quesaritos professional dump.
I mean it is out of control. I drank like four whiskeys right away at that brothel and then I ate the pheasant or whatever that was, which I shouldn't have eaten, and I took Immodium for my IBS, but this is getting dangerous.
No, no, they had those little wood box toilet things back at the brothel. Yes, I realize I could go anywhere, but I'm really sensitive about other people, uh, you know... it can get loud sometimes. And the smell lingers. I'd just like to keep you out of that as much as possible, even if you are a robot.
So, is there like a code word I can say and a hidden hatch will open or what? I have got to get to a normal toilet with like good water pressure because I've got a muskrat growling and this thing will wreck that little wooden hut you guys have out behind your ranch.
Oh, Jesus Christ, what is this? Is this a maze? Don't show me this, please. Not now.
Dolores, I am going to lose it here. I ate those peppers with dinner and I thought they were jalapenos but they were like serranos maybe. This is going to be like a ten wiper, I'm telling you. I ate fish tacos on the flight over here and that's still in the mix too. Please. It's going to be rough. So can you beep boop me a golf cart or something to take me back to the HQ so I can have a real, serious dump.
Oh, no. Not this guy again. Man, you wouldn't be so wet and sweaty all the time if you didn't wear a leather hat. I saw him walking around when I was trying to take a bath. What is his problem? Look, dude, I will shoot you, okay, just don't ask me to sit down.
There! Are you happy? I killed your whole stupid gang. Oh, god, Dolores, it's turtling on me. Do you at least have like good ply toilet paper? That one ply stuff just falls apart on me. At least if I can get some good wipes I've got that going for me.
I mean, Jurassic Park had convenient bathrooms. You get out of the glass ball and boom there are nice bathrooms. Are you telling me the dinosaur cloner guys know how to make a bathroom but the Wild West sex robot guys can't figure it... oh. Oh god.
Okay. This is a full brown alert.
Dolores, get me new pants. And I need a shirt.
And it's on my hat too. Never go white hat. Did it get on you? Oh, no, it did, didn't it?
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
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