This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 12:00 PM

SUBJECT: The Beard Situation

I realize we are in a crisis right now but that is no excuse for any of you to be neglecting grooming standards. Some of the beards I am seeing in this office are sickening. Are you the Ayatollah Khomeini? If not, then shave that travesty of a beard of your face before I personally pluck it off with my bare hands and make you eat it. This means you, Ron Scotch.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 1:10 PM

SUBJECT: Women

The gang could attack at any minute, so it's vitally important for us to be prepared. Because women contribute the least to my company, they should assume the most dangerous and exposed positions while the men bunker down to protect mission critical areas such as the soupyards, canning room and my office. My company will be just fine without women. The men do the heavy lifting around here anyway -- at least when they aren't being goddamn sons of bitches and wasting my time and money.

Ladies, if you have a problem with this, you can grow a pair and prove me wrong by not getting killed.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 2:36 PM

SUBJECT: Basic Strategy

Since some of you are remarkably stupid, let me spell out our defense strategy: you protect me and my building from armed thugs. That's your concern. Everything else comes second.

This building houses your jobs, and I pay your income. If you care about your livelihood, you will defend these two things with your life. If you have ever played the game "Chess," you should know the goal is to protect your king from falling into "Chessmate." I am your KING.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 3:16 PM

SUBJECT: Bathrooms Closed

To prevent you ninnies from hiding from your duties, I have ordered Manuel to lock the bathrooms. If you are frustrated by not being able to do your business and having to hold it in all day, then take that frustration out on the real enemy: the vicious army of thugs determined to kill and rape us all at any minute.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.