This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 4:05 PM

SUBJECT: Your Damn Hair

Last night I saw a television program called "Taxi" and was immediately repulsed by the appearance of its "star," Tony Danza. Let me tell you a few things about Tony Danza: I detest his face, I detest his stupid voice, and most of all I detest his stupid jackass hair. I am reminded that a few of you have hair not unlike Tony Danza. If you want to keep your jobs and not be used as cannon fodder in the imminent battle, you will shave your hair immediately. I will not have a bunch of hippy imbeciles representing me in combat.

Tall Charlie will be shaving any male haircuts that exceed 1.25 inches in length in preparation for the battle. We will put your hair shavings to good use. We're a goddamn soup company and we can make goddamn soup out of anything we damn well please.



TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 4:15 PM

SUBJECT: First Blood

We've scored our first victory in the battle. Duke Palmer shot somebody rummaging around the trashcans outside the soupyards. You can bet the thugs will start coming at us in full force now that we've killed one of their own. I expect you all to follow Duke's example and shoot to kill.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: March 26, 1979 5:05 PM

SUBJECT: Never mind.

My idiot rockabilly son just informed me that he and his idiot rockabilly friends were hanging out in my parking lot last night, peeling out in their stupid rockabilly drag racing cars and eating my rejected cans of soup. Apparently the moron left an unfinished bowl of tomato soup out front. You can return my weapons to Tall Charlie and get back to your duties.

We lost a full day of work and I will be docking pay accordingly. You better make up for this tomorrow by working twice as hard and twice as long.


– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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