This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 10, 1980
Subject: General Reminder

Effective immediately: I cannot be killed and I will never die. I will run this soup company until the earth is a fiery hellhole and I am the last living thing. Cocaine. Cocaine. Cocaine.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 10, 1980
Subject: Previous Memo

To all employees: Disregard all references to "cocaine" that appeared in the last memo, and this one as well. I was thinking about doing more cocaine and became distracted. I have since done cocaine and I am back on task. Because reading both this and the last memo is unnecessary, I am deducting five minutes from your pay.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 10, 1980
Subject: Rockabillyism

I want to make it clear for the last damn time that my two idiot rockabilly sons are not welcome in this building, and that goes double for their new similar-looking friend "Stinger." The three of them are to be chased off like vermin and under no circumstances given free soup or access to company toilets. Do not let Stinger near my office.

Also, I will not tolerate any challenges to my dominance of this company. If I mark the halls with my scent, by god they will stay marked. Let no man or mop interfere with my scent trails.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 10, 1980
Subject: Nooses

Some of you have complained all the nooses I put up around the office are "racially insensitive." Only a stupid son of a bitch would think such an idiot thing. For one thing, I have hired both a Mexican and an Oriental, and they are my two favorite employees. These nooses are there to remind you what happens when you fail to do your job, and they don't know color. They are rope.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 10, 1980
Subject: Beards

Last time I checked the Ayatollah was considered a lousy bastard by all true Americans. He has a beard. Some of you have beards. Do the math. If you hate America, keep the beard and take a hike, buddy. Love America? Get rid of the beard right now. I'll shave you myself if I have to. I've got a lot of razors in my office.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.