This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 11, 1980
Subject: SKULLS

I want to start serving our soups out of human skulls. I've sent Ðâng Lành to get us all some skulls. All 10-year employees will get a skull? No, too expensive. They can buy their own skulls. I'll sell them skulls at a markup.

Contact man about bear skull.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 11, 1980
Subject: Rip Rip Rip Rip

Yeah. Kick to the face. Gonna rip you up. All of you.

Daddy's in town. Daddy's in town. Going to eat soup out of your skulls.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 11, 1980
Subject: Update on Bathroom Terms of Use

If you want to use the bathroom here, you're going to need to earn bathroom vouchers. This is a merit-based system tied in with your performance. Bathroom vouchers are separate from bathroom time, which accrues at a rate of 5 minutes per 60-hour work week. These are per week, and cannot be "banked." You can bring your own camp toilets or bags to work, but you must surrender the contents to me by 5pm every Friday and NO LATER.

Don't even think about cheating the system. The valves to turn the water on and off are now located in my office, and they only get turned on when one of you proves your eligibility.

Oh, and please disregard the previous two memos. I didn't realize I was typing and circulating those. They represent confidential thoughts and trade secrets. You are forbidden from reading or committing them to memory under penalty of employment termination.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 12, 1980
Subject: Complaints

Some of you think it is wrong for me to tie employees up outside while vicious, hungry hounds bark and bite at them. Your concern is noted, but rest assured the dogs are chained up just out of reach of the restrained employee. Nobody is in any danger and it's all in good fun.

Some of you are also uncomfortable with my recent trend toward shirtlessness. I am very sweaty as of late, and wearing a shirt is uncomfortable. I am the CEO of this company and may wear clothing at my own discretion. That's what free enterprise is all about, and why I go home to a longer driveway and bigger house than any of you. It's also why I've bedded more women than any of you and will continue to do so.

Nobody disturb me. I'll be in my office talking into my tape recorder for the next six hours.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 12, 1980
Subject: The PA System

Tall Charlie informs me that I've been speaking over the PA system and not into my tape recorder. Consider yourselves lucky for getting to hear six hours of my innermost thoughts completely unfiltered. You've just been treated to a glimpse of a cunning business mind and enterprising man with many successful marriages under his belt. You're also goddamn lucky I don't charge you for the honor and the privilege.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 12, 1980
Subject: My Nickname

Anybody not referring to me as Gunboat will be fired immediately. Anyone caught referring to me by any nickname, including Gunboat, will be fired on the spot.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.