This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.


TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: January 8, 1979

SUBJECT: Double Corn

I just tried your Double Corn prototype. Good job meeting expectations, but I damn well expected you to exceed them. I just got off the horn with Burt Tallahassee over at Royal Mariner. That rotten S.O.B. called to brag about how they are shipping Double Corn Chowder right now. If we ship your measly concoction, we would look like a bunch of lousy johnny-come-latelies.

Go back to the drawing board and deliver me something I can sell. Deliver me TRIPLE CORN.

I'm calling Burt Tallahassee back to give him the scare of his life, so don't let me down.



TO: Brick Linehouse

CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D

DATE: January 8, 1979

SUBJECT: QUADRUPLE IT

Brick, you just made me look like an idiot in front of Burt Tallahassee. He says Royal Mariner will have TRIPLE CORN by the end of the week. For your insubordination, I'm firing one member of your team. Let's go with Miles McGinley, that needle-nosed idiot who is always questioning the sanitary conditions of the soupyards.

You better be well on your way to completing a QUADRUPLE CORN formula, and you better have it on my desk by Monday.


TO: Brick Linehouse

CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D

DATE: January 9, 1979

SUBJECT: New Hire

Brick, I don't want your team shorthanded right now, so I hired a new employee to replace Miles McGinley. My no-good rockabilly son will be taking his place and working with you and the boys down in R&D.

Don't bother thanking me, because the only words I want to hear come out of your stupid mouth are "I've done it, Boss." And for God's sake, don't tell me that. Tell Tall Charlie and he will tell me. Don't ever speak directly to me, Brick.


TO: Brick Linehouse

CC: Bear Cave Soup Co. R&D

DATE: January 10, 1979

SUBJECT: Policy Regarding My Idiot Rockabilly Son

Have you already forgotten the memo I sent out last August about my rockabilly son? You must have, because otherwise you would know that no one in my employ is supposed to talk or speak to my idiot son ever This rule will remain in place until he quits being a rockabilly nitwit and grows up.

I'm docking everyone in R&D's pay from yesterday since you all failed to follow official company protocol.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.