This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: Rumors

The Soup & Broth Expo wrapped up yesterday, and you're probably going to hear some stories. Some of them are true, some of them are not. All you need to know is that I work harder than any son of a bitch in this entire damn company, and Soup & Broth is the one time every year where I have the freedom to let loose. I don't pay you to do anything but work, so don't even think about listening to or repeating any of these rumors. The day after Soup & Broth is always the longest day of the year, so focus on doing your damn jobs and we can all get through this.

If you hear any bad rumors, assume it is bullshit and punch the son of a bitch who told you it in the face.


TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: My New Wife

In spite of my last warning, a number of you are speaking ill of the woman I married at Soup & Broth. Yes, she was formerly employed as a prostitute. Since marrying me, she has changed her profession. I don't want to hear about any of you lousy imbeciles speaking ill of any lady, much less my wife.



TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: Jim Carlyle is now fired

Jim, if you're going to proposition my wife for sex, at least have the decency to offer her a fair sum. Clean out your desk, pervert. You're lucky I don't cave your face in with my boot heel, because that's what you really deserve.


More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.