This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

O: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: My Son & My Feelings For Him

Tall Charlie has informed me that you good-for-nothing sacks of garbage are spreading a rumor that I told my son I was proud of him during Soup & Broth. First of all, I am at my most vulnerable during Soup & Broth. The spirit of the expo can make a man feel alive in a way none of you will ever be intelligent enough to comprehend. With the incredible energy of the expo warming my spirit and a number of substances I need not name compromising my judgment, I may have momentarily accepted my son for the useless rockabilly he is and said some things I sincerely regret.

Soup & Broth is over, so allow me to state unequivocally: I am not proud of my dumb rockabilly son, I am ashamed of him and I hope he meets with failure from now until the time he comes to his senses.


TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: STOP SPREADING IDIOTIC RUMORS

It has come to my attention that an unflattering rumor about me and Burt Tallahassee circulating the office. The story about Burt and I doing heroin and killing a guy at Soup & Broth has been blown completely out of proportion. If any of you repeat even one word of it ever, you're going to be fired so hard that your kids will be picking clumps of you out of soup cans.

If any police detectives come by asking questions, TELL THEM NOTHING.


TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 12, 1979

SUBJECT: CROSSING THE LINE

Which one of you USELESS COWARDS had the audacity to tell my new wife that I engaged in sexual congress with no less than six broth babes at the expo? You crossed a line that there is no coming back from. You're not fired, you're dead. You're going to fight me out in the soupyards, and if I have to drown you in the vats with my bare hands, so be it.

I am in my element at Soup & Broth, and as such my virility can be irresistible. I can't help it if a half-dozen attractive broth babes threw themselves at me. I do two things better than anyone: I make potent soup and I charm ladies. Don't you dare condemn me for either one of those things.

Was it you who told my wife, Agnes? A bitchy movie like this is certainly in character for you. Whoever you are, you better go into the ladies bathroom right now and tell my dumb wife that Soup & Broth is over and anything I did there was strictly in the interest of furthering my reputation to HELP THIS COMPANY.


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Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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