This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 11, 1981
Subject: Daddy's Home

I'm back from my business trip to Tehran. I'm pleased to say the future of this company is looking better than ever, in spite of all your efforts to ruin my proud organization with your gross incompetence.

You can all expect big changes now that I'm back. You babies who whined about things being too strict and too "physically and psychologically hostile" will soon realize how good you've had it all these years. Mark my words, we're going to have twice the number of workplace suicides and triple the profits.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 11, 1981
Subject: Correction

Please disregard the previous memo mentioning a business trip to Tehran. It was a typo. It should have read "I'm back from my vacation trip to Tahoe." It's beautiful this time of year, but I'm goddamn sick of eating kebabs.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 12, 1981
Subject: Mind Your Business

I know some of you like to ignore my memos, claiming they interfere with your ability to work. You damn well better read this one, because if you ignore my instructions here you're as good as fired.

There's going to be some visitors coming by this week to inspect a shipment of soup. None of you are to engage with them at all. These men are here to talk to a real businessman about real business. Last time I checked, I'm the only one here with the balls to run a business.


To: Tall Charlie
Date: February 12, 1981
Subject: Don't Screw This Up

TC, I'm giving you the most important job here of anybody. Believe me, with your raging alcoholism and penchant for degrading yourself in the workplace, you are only my #3 choice. However, Ðâng Lành is busy keeping the raccoon population on the grounds in check from his hiding spot on the roof, and cannot be disturbed. He's going to be there for a good three weeks before his supplies run out. He's obviously choice #1.

Manuel Rodriguez is definitely my #2 choice. That man may not be a red-blooded American by birth, but he understands plumbing like nobody's business. He makes that toilet sing like an angel and keeps us from working waist-deep in diarrhea every day. I can't take him off bathroom duty, not with these visitors coming.

So you're my #3 choice. You're a hopeless drunk, you hate yourself, and you're willing to endure any amount of abuse I throw at you because you deserve it and you know you deserve it. You're weak and pathetic and you make me sick, but goddamn if I don't respect you for showing up here every day and taking it like a man.

So I need you to handle an important task. I'm not exaggerating when I say the fate of the company is resting on your shoulders here. I need you to make sure my three idiot rockabilly sons don't come anywhere near the office for the next two weeks. Drive them out to the country and leave them if you have to, just make sure they don't embarrass our business.

DON'T FAIL ME.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 13, 1981
Subject: Praise

There is nothing more I hate than praising you idiots for a job well done, but our man in Iran tells me our soups are outselling opium ten to one. He says the Ayatollah can't get enough, and practically lives on our Green Bean Chowder. Whatever you do now, don't screw this up.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 13, 1981
Subject: Correction

There was a typo in that last memo. It should have read "Our man in Iowa" and "the Governor can't get enough."


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 14, 1981
Subject: Commotion in the Soupyards

A small squad of heavily armed Persians will be loading crates of soup into trucks for few hours today. I want everybody to clear the area and let them do their thing. These men are professionals and don't have time for your lollygagging stupidity. If you want to shoot the shit about the latest Garfield or show off more ugly pictures of your children, forget it. They don't care.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 14, 1981
Subject: My New Kissing Habit

There have been some complaints about my new habit of kissing everyone on each cheek. Get used to it. You work for me, and I can kiss you wherever I want whenever I want. I could be kissing you idiots all day if I wanted to, just puckering my lips and going to town. Lucky for you I don't want to kiss any of you, aside from when I kiss you on the cheeks, because that is how real men greet each other.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: February 14, 1981
Subject: New Grooming Standards

I'd like the men of this organization to start growing beards. I think it would impress our new clients to know that we share a common grooming standard. Too many of you have soft hairless faces like women, and it's goddamn disgusting. When I kiss your cheeks, I may as well be kissing a baby, which is about the most preposterous thing you can do.

You should all start wearing nice suits and dark sunglasses as well. You still need to cut your damn hair. I won't have any Tony Danzas running around my office. You women ought to start dressing more modestly. This is a soup company, not the strip club down the street. Believe you me, I divide my time equally between both places, so I know the difference.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.