This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979

SUBJECT: Another Brat Turned Up

Manuel plucked a kid from the bottom of the #6 vat. Thankfully it was mostly empty so he was able to tread water. That, and it wasn't so much water as extremely thick sewage left over from the recent bathroom crisis. Bottom line is he's damaged goods for sure. Manuel stuck him in the supply room with the other one. If nobody claims these kids at the end of the day, I've instructed Tall Charlie to drive them out to the country and set them loose.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979

SUBJECT: Inventory Update

Heads are going to roll. I've got a notion to grab my trusty board with a nail in it and start whacking heads. I have completed my inventory audit and noted we are down two and a half rolls of toilet paper. I don't know if the two and a half rolls were stolen outright by one kid-- or parent who should know better-- or if you all contributed. Operating this business isn't cheap. The only way we make a profit is by keeping our overhead low. You're bleeding me dry with your willy-nilly toilet paper use, and I won't stand for it. If I'm not reimbursed within the next half hour, I'm going to lock you in the supply shed with Bouillon. He's a biter when he's conscious, and he's very conscious today.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979

SUBJECT: Caught One!

While trying to do my goddamn job, I was interrupted by some incessant crying. I found a fat little kid with his leg caught inside my Fouke Iron-Jaw Jumper trap. It's meant for maiming and not killing, so he's mostly fine. That will learn him from trying to put his fat, pudgy fingers on my personal cabinet of black licorice.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Tuesday, April 3, 1979

SUBJECT: Final Missing Kid Count

The final tally is in, and it looks like we lost only one kid yesterday. We did pretty good over last year, so I think it's safe to say this was our most successful Kid's Day ever.

Also I have been refunded for the purloined toilet paper, so I'll be putting the board with the nail in it away for now. I was lenient this time, but there won't be any amnesty if this happens again.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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