This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 19, 1979

SUBJECT: Sleeves. You better have 'em.

I expect all my employees to wear long-sleeve shirts during work hours. If I see you walking around with any part of your arms exposed, I'm calling the cops and having you escorted off the premises and straight to jail. If I see you walking around without any sleeves at all, I will have you ruing the day you were born.

Don't even try to "game the system" by wearing long sleeves and then rolling them up. I can spot rolled-up sleeves in a heartbeat. Hands don't need to be covered, but don't think that gives you the right to walk around with your wrists exposed.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 21, 1979

SUBJECT: Hitting my idiot son

It has come to my attention that some of you are punching my idiot rockabilly son in the face and back of the neck and head. If you want to hit somebody, come hit me. If you can survive me hitting you back, I will give you a raise. If you think my son deserves to be hit, tell me and I will hit him myself.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 26, 1979

SUBJECT: Garfield Comics

Effective immediately I am discontinuing my policy of reading a Garfield comic strip over the company PA every Monday morning. I believe Garfield's lazy, anti-authoritarian attitude is rubbing off on you-- and cutting into my bottom line. From this day forward no employee will be allowed to read any Garfield comic strips or recite any Garfield comic strips to coworkers during business hours. Only I will be able to enjoy them at work, and if you have a problem with that you can go eat some rotten lasagna for all I care.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: February 26, 1979

SUBJECT: Beau Brokeman's Eyeball

I have just been informed that Beau Brokeman's eyeball was gouged out in a terrible accident in the soupyards. First of all: no, you can't go home. As far as I'm concerned, this is a minor accident and I have instructed Beau to continue doing his job. If Beau is going to work with a gouged-out eyeball and an empty socket that's spraying blood everywhere, you sure as hell can work, too.

As for his eyeball, we know it went into one of the soup vats. We don't need any heroes jumping in to retrieve it, so keep away. I will find his eyeball when I take my daily swim this evening. Unless you want to see a naked man, I advise you to clear out of the soupyards. And if you do want to see a naked man, I advise you to find a new job, because I don't employ perverts.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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