This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: "Demands"

I have reviewed the list of demands supplied by Gary Loggs and his cronies. If Gary thinks it's inappropriate for me to sleep with his wife, lift the women of the office up over my head and spin them around, watch employees use the bathroom, enforce my own common-sense hygiene standards, or intentionally coerce wild animals into attacking employees, he is out of his mind. Last time I checked this is my soup company and you are paid to enjoy my behavior.

I advise all employees still working to wear face protection. Tall Charlie and I will be spraying down the strikers with Soup BCX-66, which contains enough compressed onion gas to drop a gorilla.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: Accident

It looks like Bouillon took a direct dose of the BCX-66 while he was out in the parking lot continuing his legacy. Pretty much all of it. This would probably kill a man, but not my Bouillon. He smells awful and is vomiting and shitting up a storm, but it looks like he'll be OK. If he comes near you, don't push him away. He'll just wipe his rump or snout on you, then be on his way. Keep your face protection on, because that onion gas stink is being amplified tenfold by his canine bowels.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: Sleeping on the Job

It's come to my attention that many of you sons of bitches are sleeping on the job. Tall Charlie says some of you aren't even waking up. Need I remind you that we are still six months behind schedule and dealing with a worker shortage? Now is not the time for beauty sleep.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: Workplace Deaths

I have just been informed that 11 of you are dead. It's important to note that this is not because of the BCX-66. If it was fatal, Bouillon would be dead. He's still alive and randy as ever. It is also not because you cannot leave the office to seek medical attention without being injured by the death traps. It is because you are simply not working hard enough. The harder you work, the healthier you will be. Every idiot knows that.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: Avoiding the Death Clouds

You'll have an easier time staying alive and doing your work if you avoid the thick noxious clouds. Pay attention and move around the office as the gasses spread and circulate. Sooner or later they'll dissipate. Also it makes the rats extra aggressive, so watch out for the suckers. They like to bite ankles.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 15, 1980
Subject: Strike Over

Good news. That idiot Gary Loggs got himself impaled on a spike trying to "rescue" everyone. Without "leadership," the rest of the strikers have agreed to come back to work with a generous 10% paycut. Unfortunately Gary is still alive, but he's fired so that's not an issue.

All the folks who died have already been skeletonized by the rats, so there's little need to mention this to any authorities. This is an internal company matter, and I am making the executive decision to put this ugliness behind us and move on to better things.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.