Okay, picture this, we open up with space, and then this princess woman's head fades into view. Like, you know, maybe she's a ghost and maybe she isn't. Who knows! It'll be great. She can save us a ton of dough that we would drop on an introductory montage.
Alright, then we go to the space king's palace, and he has this guy from the Muppets coming to visit him and it's really scary. And the Muppet guy has a whole band with him and this bald dude just starts totally rocking out on the microphone in this creepy alien voice. Then this big tram car thing opens up and there's a Muppet inside and it tells the space king to kill Paul Atreides, who is the hero of our movie and basically Christ or God or something but he doesn't know it yet.The Muppet's rockers
The Muppet speaks
Then we go to where Paul Atreides lives and we'll have the guy from Quantum Leap - no not Bakula, the other guy - and the guy from Star Trek - no not Shatner, the other guy - and we'll have some other dude there who has these big furry eyebrows. Then Picard is totally going to give Paul a bunch of attitude and they'll start fighting with these cool boxy and zappy things and it will be a great way to showcase some eye-popping special effects.He who controls the eyebrows...
There are four lights!
So then after fighting with the boxy things the space king's witch will show up and trick Paul into putting his hand into a box. Then his hand will melt or some shit, I haven't thought all that through, but it WILL be awesome, I promise.
Then we go to the Red Baron, and he is the bad guy. To make sure everyone knows he's bad he's really fat, has bad acne, can fly, and is gay. He calls in his nephews who are wearing these really cool suits that look like those black plastic corrugated drainage pipes and maybe one of them can be a rock star like Bruce Springsteen or Sting. Yeah, Sting! And the other guy just looks like a troll and can grunt a whole lot. And the Red Baron wants Sting to play one of his hits, and they get all excited about hearing Sting play a song and then he doesn't because he's evil too.Fields of Gold!
Fields of Gold!
Fields of Gold!
Fields of Gold!
Fields of Gold!
Fields of Gold!
Then Picard and Paul Atreides and his dad and whoever else are on this Dune planet. And they are meeting with this ecology professor guy who is showing them how to wear their suits that keep them alive in the desert. And the guy goes to fix up Paul's suit but oh my God it's already fixed desert fashion because "he will know their ways" or whatever it says in that book this is about.Number one!
I see your mother didn't dress you.
Then the guy from Quantum Leap is looking for something with a flashlight in a corpse and then when Paul's mom isn't looking he grabs a sheet of paper out of the guy's skull or something. And then we see it's secret orders from the Red Baron who wants him to kill the Duke or else he'll kill Sting or some other person. And Quantum Leap guy doesn't want to kill the Duke, but he loves Sting or whatever and wants to hear "Fields of Gold" so he is going to kill the Duke.
Then the Red Baron and the space king's soldiers attack Paul's castle on Dune and Picard charges out to fight them, but that's cool because he survives and Paul finds him later. Then the Quantum Leap guy poisons the Duke and puts a poison tooth in his mouth so he can kill the Red Baron. Yeah, like one of those hollow KGB teeth but it's full of gas he can spit out and kill the Red Baron when he gets close. So he bites the tooth when he thinks the Red Baron is close but instead of killing the Red Baron it kills his friend with the big eyebrows.Not without my dog-hter.
The Tooooth sucks!
Then Paul and his mom escape and Paul has some kind of crazy dream with blood and whatever. I don't know, just neat pictures, they don't have to mean anything, you know? Then some hot desert girl with glowing eyes will come onto Paul and they can have sex in between more weird dream sequence stuff. That should keep people awake.Huh?
Hey good lookin'.
Then back on the Red Baron's planet we can have Sting get out of a shower and flex and whatnot for the ladies. And the Red Baron can try to get him to do "Fields of Gold" again but he still won't do "Fields of Gold" and so things are starting to get tense between them.Ahhhh...
Fields of Gold?
Fields of Gold?!
Then Sting and the Red Baron can give the guy with the furry eyebrows a cat, and I don't know it's a future cat so it looks weird and maybe has like a badger or a pigeon taped to its side.
Paul, who is friends with the Free Men, can teach them how to shoot sound beams. Maybe using a microphone or some other gadget. Like, I was thinking last night, every object in the universe has some frequency of sound that will destroy it, so if you make it loud enough you can shoot the sound at that frequency like a gun and destroy ANYTHING. That's pretty deep, I think. No, no, it's not in the book, I just think it would be cool. And then this big sand monster comes up out of the ground and the Free Men are all scared of it but Paul is way too tough to be scared and he just climbs up on its back and starts riding it around.Chhhhhhhaaaaa!
But to fully become a wizard or Jesus or whatever Paul has to drink this juice which is from the sand monsters and it will probably kill him. So he goes out and lays in the desert and all the Free Men watch and then the hot Free Men girl will come over and pour it in his mouth and then he can have a really cool dream. This one will be even cooler than the other one.I just wanna get high tonight.
Diane, I'm holding in my hand a small vial of the Water of Life.
Then Paul gets all the Free Men together and they go to kill the space king and the Red Baron. And Picard is there and Paul is looking out really intense and Picard says "bombs!" and then there is an explosion and a mountain explodes or something. Then the Free Men all run through the hole in the mountain and they are riding on the sand monsters because Paul taught them how to do that and they start totally killing all the space king's soldiers.Atomics!
Peeew Pewwww! Zap! Ka-boom!
Paul's little sister, who just appears at some point as a little girl because she's magical, she comes in and pokes the Red Baron and he starts yelling and flies out a hole into one of the sand monster's mouths.
Then Paul does karate kicks on a bunch of guys and runs into the throne room where the space king is standing with Sting. And then Sting and Paul starts fighting, but Sting still won't play "Fields of Gold" and he has a poison blade on his stomach, but Paul uses mind over matter shit and he totally flips him over and stabs him right in his head like that Steven Segal movie. Pow!The Fields of Gold will run red.
Finally, now listen to this part, it starts totally raining! On this planet where it has never rained ever before! It starts raining, and then it shows Paul's sister and she's all like "he's the space king, duh!" and then we roll credits.
So waddya think? We could do that on just 40 million.
I want my bed to look like the health department is checking for bedbugs. I want to feel like it’s on an episode of Maury getting scanned for semen.
Do all of your holiday shopping in the Star Citizen online store! We have great deals on space ships for a game that may not be released for years. Think of these as investments in your future enjoyment.
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.