If you use the Internet more than eight hours a day there's a good possibility you're a nerd, geek, dork, dweeb, bookworm, or four-eyed freakazoid. I know I am! But no matter how socially inept you think you are, there's always room for further decline. To help you out, here are a few easy tips for bringing out your inner loser:
Don't Talk - Help avoid social embarrassment by simply refusing to make "small-talk" conversation with people. And don't answer the phone, either. This way, people think you're an egotistical bastard who is simply "too good" to stoop to the level of chatting it up with the common folk, and not a pathetic wuss who breaks out in a cold sweat at the McDonald's drive-thru window for fear of ordering wrong and causing the entire McD's staff to abandon their posts, run outside, and laugh heartily at the guy who just tried to order a "hamburgualalar*snort*humm." If you need to request assistance for your possibly shattered spinal cord, take the pen out of your pocket protector, tear a sheet of paper from your Pokemon notebook, write a note, and place it on your acne-ridden forehead.
Remember this, fellow nerds: wearing bags on your heads allows others to pull the strings of your heart and make you look swell!
Run Away - If confronted with a social situation which forces you to have to engage in conversation or otherwise interact with someone you are uncomfortable around simply pin your arms to your side and trot away briskly. This works especially well with members of the opposite gender, since it makes them intensely hot for you. It's called "playing hard to get." If you're really good at this, you'll be so hard to get that you'll never get any at all.
Order Everything Online - Why go outside and risk tripping over something with your Velcro-plastered sneakers when you can stay inside, completely safe, and order all of your needs through the Internet? Groceries, DVD's, spouses, toilet paper, Star Trek posters, and more can all be ordered online. No need to leave the house and risk being mugged or beat up by 10-year-old bullies! Also do all your banking and bill paying online, to avoid possibly fatal trips to the bank or the corner mailbox. Remember, the outside world is full of diseases and criminals!
Spout Outdated Catch Phrases -Be sure to populate your speech and electronic message exchanges with outdated catch phrases and nerdy movie references. Here's an example of an ideal ICQ conversation:
NormalPerson: Hey man, what's up? Why don't you answer your phone anymore?
Nerd: WHAZZZZZZZUP! Powered… by… steam! FIRE THE LASER!
Nerd: Yeah baby! Whoomp there it is! Make it so!
NormalPerson: Dude, what's with you? You've become a complete tool dude man.
Nerd: Oh my god you killed Kenny! Luke, I am your father! Where's the beef?
NormalPerson: I give up. You're hopeless.
Avoid Your Friends - If you somehow managed to accumulate a group of like-minded individuals who don't mind your company, ditch them. A true nerd's only friends are made in a Malaysian electronics factory. If you're having trouble getting them to leave you alone, be sure not to bathe. And start wearing huge, gun-concealing trenchcoats.
Eat Cheese, Drink Mountain Dew - By avoiding all sources of food outside of Cheese and Mountain Dew, you can help build that emancipated, sickly body you've always dreamed of. Plus, if you drink enough Dew you'll be able to avoid sleeping and be able to spend more time soldering electronics and constructioning robotic pets to keep your lonely ass company. And if Urkel ever comes by and asks if you "GOT ANY CHEEEESE???" you'll be able to throw a hunk of Cheddar at him and show off your brand new gigawatt transistagrapher or whatever.
Follow all these tips to the letter and soon you'll be so alienated and outcast that not even the Chess team will want to associate with your socially retarded ass. Radical, dude!
A proud man rides away on the back of the monster, but did a floating friend assist him? The answer is probably in the affirmative.Is there really a Loch Ness Monster? I don't think so. But I've been wrong before. So maybe there is a Loch Ness Monster. I've never even been to Loch Ness! I should really visit there before I form a conclusive opinion. But that would cost a lot of money so I don't think I'll bother. I couldn't afford the plane tickets and I can't speak Scottish… I'd probably get killed. But I can swim so I probably wouldn't drown, I'm talking about bandit murder of tourists which I think is pretty common since all Europeans think Americans are ugly. So I don't know if there is a Loch Ness Monster and I refuse to go see for myself. Unless you pay all my expenses and pay me a large stipend, in which case I'd consider it. But I couldn't leave for too long because I have mad props to receive and peeps and an ICQ posse. So I don't think there is a Loch Ness Monster but I reserve my right to change my opinion on this subject later.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.