Evan once again makes it into the top 5 in our list with his tireless devotion to educating females in the possibilities of sensual pleasuring. Evan's basement apartment is ground zero for sensations that are difficult to convey with the written word. Evan's colorsmells and tastetouches are ready to be experienced by any willing lady weighing under 200 pounds. Evan isn't picky. He has educated professional calf models in the pleasures of skin-on-skin full-body massage and he has tongue-tickled the toe to the mutilated head of the woman who lost her face to a monkey.

Evan has a double size whirlpool bathtub, scented candles, two types of water-based massage gels, tingling erotic powder, and a vulcanized rubber body suit that hooks up to a bicycle-operated pump and can inflate your every delicious inch to three atmospheres of pressure. At this college the only requirements for entrance are an open mind. With Evan it's always ladies first.

Do you like strawberries? How about chocolate-dipped strawberries? How about chocolate-dipped strawberries...in your p-hole? This bachelor* will pamper that p-hole until you've graduated with 99 degrees of sticky pleasure.

* Evan does not have a Bachelor's Degree, he has an Associate's Degree in hotel management.


Making it into the top 3 for the first time, St. Markie Post Christian Academy is one of the finest party schools in the US and probably the world. Our Merciful Lady of the Feral Hound welcomes all students to enjoy free spaghetti with turkey meatballs and a buttered roll, prayerfully respect members of the opposite sex at the weekly Lonely Hearts mixer, and have mind-bending tantric orgasms in an LSD-pool hidden in the chapel's undercroft.

Founded by Markie Post in 1990, the school specializing in sexual vision quests, erotic spirit animal divinations, and group horizon expansion sessions. Most students spend their time in the LSD pool in a trance-like state of what Markie Post describes as, "Sexual Self Perfection." Basically, masturbating while the world melts into infinity around you. Graduates of the spirit animal program taught by Native American Ejaculation Expert Lyle Cums-On-Coyotes can spend entire weeks chugging peyote potions and humping pillows.

Trust us, the musty basement may seem creepy at first, but once you try the LSD pool you're never going to want to go back to a regular college! Just wait until you try out the math classes!

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.