The boys at Destructoid really know how to have a good time.And there's not an antidote in sight! If you've got such an addiction to this brand new shooter that you can't resist the urge to dress up like it then you've got BioShock fever too. To shamelessly capitalize on the release of BioShock we've put together no less than three articles on one of the first ever first person shooters to not be about World War II. This isn't a true front page update, but instructions on what you and your loved ones should do when faced with this terrible disease.
First, take a look at Lowtax's semi-serious review. Despite the silliness of the premise Lowtax found a fun and engrossing game in BioShock. If you've found that Lowtax managed to spoil the ending for you, please feel free to send him a 9 page email here. He loves that shit.
Next, Truth Media comes out of retirement to bait insane BioShock fans with this terribly inaccurate fake review. When I saw how some Something Awful Forums Games posters reacted when Gamespot gave BioShock a 9.0 I wondered, how would even dumber posters react when they read a review that gave the game a 7.5? Since you don't have a girlfriend or responsibilities or anything, your job is to casually post a link to this review where the most insane BioShock and PC devotees congregate.
Just post something like, "Check out this honest review of BioShock" and act like you agree with it. Please do not spam the link all over the place! The hate mails that ensue will be posted on this very web site at a later date. If you never hear about this ever again then just assume I failed to incite any anger from people and no hate mails were received and let me quietly slink away to avoid the shame from my peers.
Finally, be sure to look out for Corin Tucker's Stalker's Video Game Article this Saturday which, if you play your cards right, might also be about BioShock. If you don't play your cards right then he's just going to post a picture of his butt. Either way I'm happy.
It's a whole week of BioShock! If you've got the fever, the only cure are these three articles and the sweet embrace of death. BioShock proves that being under the sea is not just for faggy crabs anymore!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.