This is a road:
Cars drive very quickly on this road. They drive way too fast to stop and if they run into you then you will die. You will notice that above the road is this thing called EVERYWHERE ELSE, DIPSHIT. This is where you can safely fly. What are you doing flying in the street? Come on.
Speaking of flying, this one goes out to all the flightless birds: give it up already. What's the point of living? You're a bird, you have one ability that makes you incredible, you can fly. If you take that away then you're just another asshole standing around and waiting to get eaten by something big.
Finally, to the pigeons on the sidewalk outside of the Popeye's downtown and to that pelican that swallowed a pigeon in that youtube video: have a little bit of self respect. I know it sucks being an animal and not having air conditioning or TiVo or hand sanitizer, but you need to get a grip. Birds are not supposed to eat other birds.
Even if you are delicious.
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
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