Accidents can happen when we least expect it, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holidays. You could be walking down an icy sidewalk, minding your own business when -- BAM! -- the fact that you don't have health insurance hits you like a tailbone shattering on frozen asphalt. We here at Moloch County General Hospital realize the plight of those who haven't yet been able to economically justify their own existences, which is why we're opening at 5AM this Black Friday for some door-busting deals you'll have to see to believe -- unless waiting so long for treatment has rendered you sightless.

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate our many blessings with a feast of dry meat, mountains of starch, and the only sanctioned use of marshmallows outside of campfires and hot chocolate. But when seconds turn to thirds turn to midnight stuffing runs, the transition from Thursday to Friday could end with your grandma weeping over a four-hundred pound corpse. At the slightest sign of cardiac arrest, bundle up and head on down to our Gilman Street location, where we're offering up to three artery bypasses at an unprecedented rate! Just be sure to bring the deeds you own to any houses, feedlots, and/or dry docks, and we'll be sure to work this unbelievable one-time price into several thousand manageable installments.

In the rush to make everyone's Christmas dreams come true on a modest budget, consumerism can often get the best of us. Your average Sunday School teacher, for instance, can easily transform into a kidney-kicking, windmill-punching ball of unspeakable rage when it comes to saving upwards on ten dollars on several types of popular bread makers. And when this type of behavior multiples en masse, a simple slip to the ground at your local Wal*Mart could send all manner of boots, heels, and Hoveround treads over your mangled body as wild rumors spread about possible Bakugan shortages. Just drop by Moloch County General Hospital this Black Friday, and for an extremely reduced fee we'll determine whether you have or have not been trampled, and assign you a specialist to recommend several treatments to remove the unsightly bootprints and irritating internal bleeding from your body.

Lines, lines, lines! Could there be anything worse on Black Friday? Well, infant mortality comes in at a close second, and we at Moloch County General Hospital realize the things that make you blue can often make your baby bluer, and, at times, completely motionless. If any of your little scamps happen to pass on while waiting for treatment, we're happy to offer a complimentary infant coffin to place in the ground at your discretion. Choose from one of three different designs: God's Lil' Warrior, featuring an official Biblical quote etched into the lining with authentic Sharpie technology, The Forever Playroom, which offers a selection of casket-bound Dollar Tree playthings, and The 'Box, an earth-friendly recycled resting place from our friends and corporate sponsors at Payless Shoes.

The elite team of doctors at Moloch County General Hospital realizes common household accidents can often prevent patients from reaching life-saving services on their own. Saw off a few fingers carving that Thanksgiving turkey, and you may find it hard to work your stick shift and/or lack the proper digit to let fellow motorists know the fast lane isn't for cruising at 40 miles per hour while finishing a large sandwich. Trust in our staff of friendly EMTs, who won't risk their lives or yours for fear of being forced to return to their respective methamphetamine recovery programs. This Friday, being chauffeured isn't for the obscenely wealthy anymore, even if the prices still are!

We at Moloch County General Hospital understand that the little ones can't always be left to their own devices in times of emergency. So if you find yourself in a medical-related pickle this Friday, be sure to bring the kids, because we've got an entire playroom dedicated to keeping them entertained while you bleed out in the parking lot. Any child under 8 admitted to our Future Orphans Fun Room will receive a complimentary glass of hot tap water, as well as ten minutes with the latest video game craze to sweep the schoolyards, the PlayStation 4's "Knack." We're not quite sure what it is, and we only have one controller, but we know from experience that children can't stop shrieking and hitting over this latest wonder from the fine people at Sony until we bolt the door from the outside and start pumping pure oxygen into the room.

– Moloch County General Hospital

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.