Last week, former Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner was released from prison three months early. During his trial, he promised to go on a speaking tour to warn fellow students about "drinking & promiscuity." Here's some highlights from his tour.
4:30pm: A pickup truck filled with water pulls up to the venue. Up from the water emerges BROCK TURNER, who was holding his breath the whole time!
4:35pm: Brock's mommy and daddy towel him off and help change him into his "innocent boy" clothes.
4:45pm: Brock's street team unfurls a banner that says, "Sobriety: Don't Take NO For An Answer!"
4:55pm: The opening strains to St. Elmo's Fire begin to play.
4:56pm: St. Elmo's Fire continues to play.
4:57pm: Now we're at the part of St. Elmo's Fire where John Parr sings, "Gonna be your man in motion...all I need is a pair of wheels!"
5pm: Brock Turner air-swims across the stage, kicks over the mic stand and screams, "Are you ready to learn the absolute basics of human interaction?!"
5:05pm: Brock Turner give chocolate gold medals to those who know the difference between a 'rapist' and someone who was only convicted of 'assault with intent to commit rape.'
5:10pm: Brock pulls out a bottle of vodka marked, "Crime Juice." He throws it in a garbage marked, "Your Future." Confusing!
5:11pm: The first of Brock's three mandatory snack breaks for his favorite foods, such as pretzels or chips.
5:15pm: Brock talks up the amazing careers still open to convicted sex offenders, like speaking at colleges about how not to do the thing you did.
5:19pm: Brock reads a list off reddit of "all the times women were wrong."
5:20pm: Audience member asks, "Will your dad still give me $20 if I leave early?" Brock responds by calling the man "a puss-dawg," offers to "throw down." Later, his mom will say that he did not do this.
5:25pm: Brock asks, "OK, who here has successfully drank alcohol...WITHOUT sexually assaulting someone?" A roomful of hands go up. Brock looks really, really confused.
5:30pm: Brock reads a heartfelt, tear-filled apology to "the one he's hurt the most in all this...the fine sport of swimming, and it's inventor, Kevin Swimmington."
5:35pm: A group of protesters swarm the convention hall, quickly leave when they realize Milo Yiannopoulos is actually at the convention hall two convention halls down.
5:40pm: Twenty-minute discussion where Brock starts a frank and open dialogue about everyone's favorite Twenty One Pilots songs.
6pm: Brock Turner leaves, as sex offenders aren't allowed on campus after dark for some weird reason!
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
"Don't you get it? What we have to understand is it's them or us. It can't be all of us, or one. It's got to be us, or they become it. Then we lose what makes us we."
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