Last week, former Stanford University swimmer Brock Turner was released from prison three months early. During his trial, he promised to go on a speaking tour to warn fellow students about "drinking & promiscuity." Here's some highlights from his tour.
4:30pm: A pickup truck filled with water pulls up to the venue. Up from the water emerges BROCK TURNER, who was holding his breath the whole time!
4:35pm: Brock's mommy and daddy towel him off and help change him into his "innocent boy" clothes.
4:45pm: Brock's street team unfurls a banner that says, "Sobriety: Don't Take NO For An Answer!"
4:55pm: The opening strains to St. Elmo's Fire begin to play.
4:56pm: St. Elmo's Fire continues to play.
4:57pm: Now we're at the part of St. Elmo's Fire where John Parr sings, "Gonna be your man in motion...all I need is a pair of wheels!"
5pm: Brock Turner air-swims across the stage, kicks over the mic stand and screams, "Are you ready to learn the absolute basics of human interaction?!"
5:05pm: Brock Turner give chocolate gold medals to those who know the difference between a 'rapist' and someone who was only convicted of 'assault with intent to commit rape.'
5:10pm: Brock pulls out a bottle of vodka marked, "Crime Juice." He throws it in a garbage marked, "Your Future." Confusing!
5:11pm: The first of Brock's three mandatory snack breaks for his favorite foods, such as pretzels or chips.
5:15pm: Brock talks up the amazing careers still open to convicted sex offenders, like speaking at colleges about how not to do the thing you did.
5:19pm: Brock reads a list off reddit of "all the times women were wrong."
5:20pm: Audience member asks, "Will your dad still give me $20 if I leave early?" Brock responds by calling the man "a puss-dawg," offers to "throw down." Later, his mom will say that he did not do this.
5:25pm: Brock asks, "OK, who here has successfully drank alcohol...WITHOUT sexually assaulting someone?" A roomful of hands go up. Brock looks really, really confused.
5:30pm: Brock reads a heartfelt, tear-filled apology to "the one he's hurt the most in all this...the fine sport of swimming, and it's inventor, Kevin Swimmington."
5:35pm: A group of protesters swarm the convention hall, quickly leave when they realize Milo Yiannopoulos is actually at the convention hall two convention halls down.
5:40pm: Twenty-minute discussion where Brock starts a frank and open dialogue about everyone's favorite Twenty One Pilots songs.
6pm: Brock Turner leaves, as sex offenders aren't allowed on campus after dark for some weird reason!
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
Ben Garrison's Cartoons are finally explained!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.