7:00 PM, exactly: I take the first picture and the first bite. The burger tastes acceptable and I confidently begin practically inhaling the rest of it, being reasonably confident in my ability as a marathon eater / as yet undiscovered superhero with the power to eat lots.
7:02 PM: The first burger has been completely eaten in just two minutes. I begin planning what I'm going to do next, since it's obvious I should be out of here by 7:15.
7:04 PM: I am still working on the second burger, but I have taken a break to relish in my current situation and post "LAYIN IN BED W A PLATE OF BURGS" on the forums.
7:09 PM: I have taken down the second burger and pumped my fist triumphantly in the air.
7:14 PM: Halftime! I've been putting off having those two burgers that looked shiny in the above picture because it's likely that shiny effect was caused by them being so incredibly greasy. I am beginning to realize that I can't run from them forever.
7:18 PM: I have finished the third burger. A kind of perceptible mental slowness is beginning to take hold, and I am actually beginning to slur my speech.Burgocytes are thought by some to be responsible for the phenomenon of burgin.
7:27 PM: I have hit my first real wall somewhere around 3.5 burgers in. It genuinely feels like my stomach is packed full and it's there's a few bites already waiting to get in outside in my esophagus.
7:30 PM: Forum goon tres dessert informs me that I'm eating 2,400 calories, 135 grams of fat, and 6,500 milligrams of sodium, which is a 2.5 day supply. Thanks, friend!
7:35 PM: The fourth burger has been consumed. I am becoming somewhat delirious and my girlfriend has forbidden me from ever burgin again. She doesn't understand. She'll never understand.
7:55 PM: I'm about halfway into the last burger and things are going very slow. I am of the belief that this is now a battle between my spiritual self and my physical self. Also, I no longer seem to have any concept of time. Perhaps I have transcended it.
8:00 PM: The last few bites are mocking me. I eventually muster the strength to raise my arm and let them know that I will see them in hell.
8:12 PM: I am suddenly extremely tired. I believe I may have triggered some latent human ability to begin hibernation.
8:18 PM: DONE!!!!! I am packed full of burgers up to my neck and I have never felt more alive and more dead at the same time. The adrenaline I'm feeling having completed the task at hand is only magnifying every horrible feeling that has come of this. I feel like a sack of disaster.
Yes, this is completely factual. It was all documented on the forums as it happened. Of course, none of the glorious forum posts or bullet points above take into account how I have felt terrible for the last 6 days since eating, or how I've gone straight home from work every day so I can go home and rest, or even how I had to stay home from a fun company field trip due to a raging case of post-burgin stress syndrome (PBSS).
But would I do it all over again? You bet. I loved it so much I made a wallpaper about it.
Have a wonderful meal, whatever your next one may be. Say good night, ohmeebaglod! Thanks to Vile and ohmeebaglod for burgin hard on YouTube, and thanks ass toot for the handy diagram of midichlorians burgocytes in one's blood stream.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.