Told You So!

As I correctly predicted last Sunday, George W. Bush is wasting no time in starting a war with other countries to detract the general public from his own ineptitude. Last week I speculated that Bush was planning to attack Japan with submarines full of rough and tumble Los Angeles teenagers who would repeat idiotic 1980's catchphrases like "groadie to the max" and "gag me with a spoon," but that all turned out to be a clever ruse. Instead, in a stunning display of uncreative gusto, El President is picking on the same chumps his dad beat up on - the Iraqis.

Come on, George Jr., at least pick a fight with a country that has a lot of stuff to blow up and annoying people to kill. For example, there's always France. Not only will the French resistance be minimal (since those beret-wearing frog eaters are always ready to surrender to anything with a mustache thicker than a pencil), but there's a lot of nifty landmarks, buildings, and cities to lay waste to with our superior "make-stuff-go-boom technology." The Eiffel tower, that stupid arch things, and the fancy ass museum; all that stuff could be blown to shit and we could watch it all live on CNN without having to put on pants. But NOOOOOoooo! Good old Bush has to pick on Iraq, the AA-minor league MVP of world villains. What the hell is there to destroy in Iraq? I'm sure there were some nice oil-sheik mansions at one point, but I'm betting we raked a few thousand bombs over them in the Gulf War. So what's left? Sand? Empty barrels? Huts? Cemeteries? Oh no, American bombs caused a sand dune to dislodge, crushing a dying camel! Oh the horrors of war! BORRR-ING.

Oh well. Sucks to be them, I suppose. Anyway, in a fit of rage, Semi Automatic Turban has updated their site with a little rant which I think might be condemning Bush's actions, but it's really hard to tell:

Look and listen to the powers which are around you. There are many reasons to settle a thorny issue that which you do seem to ignore! We are not an Iraq or of heritage but of great respect and culture and many of friends we take heed to settle a wave of terror if the surf is building that is the surf which we are attempting to ride upon before attack shark. Hard as it appear there is a special cause for any who does not take a internation route when traveling to Mexico of all places? Why are you chit chat with those who take a drug and inject into a river without a treatment of angry disco? This is not the dance we want to engage in so stop or there will be something in your ear and a fly swat will not make any difference to.

You can head over to their site to read the rest of it, but do you really want to? Nah, didn't think so.

The Perfect Crime

I love movies. Unfortunately, far too many films contain wacky crime capers that lead into shenanigans which gives way to witty, edgy banter. This trendy dialogue - often laced with pop-culture references - serves to drench the audience with the knowledge that these characters are both hapless, quirky, and hipper than the "Fonz", who I believe is dead now. Well, he might not be, but it's just a matter of time until justice is carried out.

Yeah, there's thousands of movies in where a bunch of regular Joes get together to plan a big heist, the so-called "perfect crime," only to have everything blow up in their faces in a comical and bloody manner which trivializes death and human suffering. Still, this hasn't stopped me from trying to concoct the perfect crime, since I'm far too lazy to get rich via working hard. A friend of mine once theorized that the "perfect crime" would be to shoot your neighbor's dog with an air rifle from really far away. See, then you couldn't get arrested for trespassing and nobody is going to put you in jail for shooting a dog, even in the very unlikely possibility that you're stupid enough to get caught. Now that makes a lot of sense to me and I'm pretty sure I could pull that crime off without a hitch, but unfortunately it's not very profitable. In fact, I'd probably lose money on the whole proposition since I'd need to buy an air rifle, ski mask, smoke bombs, laser sight, and a house in the suburbs since I currently live in an apartment complex that doesn't allow pets or guns. I saw an episode of Dragnet once where a guy and his partner would steal dogs out of mall parking lots and sell them back to their owners at inflated prices. Since people left their windows down a little bit to make sure their pets didn't die from heat exhaustion, these guys would take a coat hanger, open the door, and steal the defenseless canine (assuming "razor sharp teeth and claws" don't count as a defense). Then they'd wait until the owners posted a reward notice in the paper, bring the dog back to its rightful owner, claim that they "found" the dog in a park or something, and collect the reward. Brilliant, eh? Too bad Joe Friday caught on to their little scam and put the smack down on their asses in under twenty-two minutes flat. I think the bad guys even ended up in the electric chair. Doh.

So I've concocted the perfect crime, and yes, it involves a dog. Remember that dream I had about the dog who bit another dogs face and just kept chewing? Hopefully, you missed that update. But anyway, I'll get a dog that likes to chew peoples' faces off. Then I'll sic it on Lowtax's cat, Spaz. While Lowtax is whining like a pillow-faced baby, I'll slip some poison into his drink and hit him over the head with an iron. While he's out cold, I'll steal his car and crash it into a paint store. I'll comb through the wreckage, grab a can of paint, go back to Lowtax's apartment, and dump it on his head. Then I'll go home and get cleaned up. The result? Lowtax gets arrested and I can sell Spaz's remains to McDonalds for big bucks. Everybody wins (especially Lowtax's fellow cellmates).

Planning the perfect crime is hard work. Remember, if there's a possibility you'll get caught, it's not a perfect crime. So put those thinking caps on and start brainstorming! I obviously didn't when I was writing this update, and you can see how messy the results were.

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@sexyfacts4u)

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