This article is part of the Busytown Police Blotter series.
December 23, 2007
Grocer Cat reported an early morning incident of theft at his grocery store. Officers responded, reviewed security camera footage, and determined that a theft had indeed transpired. The thief, clearly identifiable as Bananas Gorilla, was seen removing $4.25 worth of store merchandise without paying. Officers put out an APB for Bananas Gorilla.
Officers investigated reports of vandalism in and around a nativity display erected by the Sacred Paw Catholic Church in Pineapple Park. An officer on the scene noted the nativity display to be in disarray. Upon closer inspection, the officer observed that the Baby Jesus statue was missing from the manger. Busytown PD immediately issued an Amber Alert for the missing baby messiah. Police are asking for any tips that lead to the recovery of the stolen savior.
Deputy Flo responded to a call from Flossie Bunny that Pig Won't was being disobedient. Flossie Bunny, babysitter for Pig Will and Pig Won't, had instructed the two to eat their vegetables. Pig Will complied readily, eating all his vegetables. Pig Won't refused, citing that he did not like vegetables and that she had no authority to make him eat them. Pig Won't eventually complied when Deputy Flo threatened to arrest him. The ornery pig was then given a lecture on manners and obedience by Deputy Flo.
Traffic was briefly shut down on W. Brick St. following an accident that left two injured. The accident was caused by Lowly Worm, who lost control of his apple car and careened head on into a giant hamburger being driven by an unidentified beetle. Lowly Worm was not wearing a seatbelt, and was thrown through the front window of his apple, flying some 30 feet. The other driver had minor scratches and whiplash, while his hamburger was totaled. Lowly Worm appeared to be under the influence of alcohol and faces charges pending his recovery.
Officers were called in to help solve a mystery disrupting business for Humperdink the Baker. It seems a loaf of bread he baked was quite talkative. Officers responding to the call were baffled as to the cause, and the talking bread wouldn't spill the beans either. Detective Sniff was called in, and quickly determined that a mouse had snuck into Humperdink's dough. The mouse was removed from the bread and fined for trespassing.
Ali Cat was arrested following strange behavior at Busytown International, where he was attempting to book a last minute flight. When he was told there was no room left on any of the airplanes, he became belligerent and began yelling in Arabic. Airport security detained him, and found he had numerous tools and sharp objects in his bag. Police then investigated his property, where they found what appeared to be an obstacle course in his backyard, as well as numerous blueprints and maps. While Ali insisted he was going home to help build a new house for his mom, Busytown PD is turning the matter over to the Department of Homeland Security.
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
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