When one of our junior partners returned from his honeymoon, the law offices of Crosby, Oates, and Palmer discovered that the act of making love involves one partner penetrating the other. While the long-term affects of sexual penetration have not been fully tested, the act of penetration in swordfighting and industrial accidents can often result in serious injury and death.
If someone betrayed your trust and affection by penetrating you during the act of making love, you may be entitled to cash money. Please don't hesitate to call:
In recent months, a multitude of toys manufactured in China were recalled for containing unsafe amounts of lead. These recalls might have violated your constitutional right to buy large quantities of Chinese toys and melt them down to their base elements, becoming a lead tycoon overnight.
If you had planned to do this yourself, or if you just read that and thought "hey, that idea's not half bad", call:
Have you been offended by anything on the internet? Has someone made fun of you online? Was your site linked to by someone who didn't like it for the purposes of being shared with other people who might not like it?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above and feel that you have grounds for legal action, you're wrong and there's nothing we can do for you. Don't call:
Did you travel to the present day from the future in a time machine powered by confidence? After detailing your incredible journey to a group of strangers, did one of them tell you that time travel is impossible, planting a seed of self-doubt that has kept you stranded here in our primitive culture?
You may be entitled to up to $50 in damages under the newly-passed Time Traveler Protection Act! Don't hesitate to activate your universal communication brain implant and call:
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.