Hey kids, remember last Tuesday when we featured The Canadian Candy Challenge, Part I? And we promised that The Canadian Candy Challenge Part II would be featured today? Well guess what? Today is "today" and we're hot and bothered to present you with... MIDI drumroll please... THE CANADIAN CANDY CHALLENGE PART II! In this horrid, horrid installment, Emily and I tackle the taste enigmas labeled "Flake," "Sweet Marie," "EAT-MORE," and "FUSION," candy bars which are only found in the majestic motherland known as "Canada," a strange mass of land that contains both cities AND people!

We fight the good battle so you won't eat things from the bad cattle.

In the previous episode of The Canadian Candy Challenge, Part I, Emily and I gagged on "Caramilk," the abominable "Bridge Mixture" (which we have both concluded is only served to people on Death Row), the salt-filled "Crispy Crunch," a very dull and noncommittal "COCONUT" (in all caps, possibly to convey excitement or confusion), and "Crunchie.com" (the only candy which is directly tied to a horrible, horrible Flash website that makes you want to end your life by actually eating their candy bar and thereby committing suicide). Today we'll dig even deeper into the cesspool of Canadian failure and put our taste buds to the limits by intentionally torturing them until our heads explode like the unfortunate mannequin heads in "Scanners" which did not star James Woods but probably should have.

Flake

Description: There wasn't any description on the outside of this candy bar (or on the inside for that matter), so things instantly began to look frightening. Upon closer inspection, we noticed that the "Flake" candybar was not even sealed inside its packaging; the ends were simply twisted around clockwise! Do you understand what this means? Any number of "Flake" bars out there on the Canadian market could be contaminated by villains pouring in chemicals such as cyanide or death juice, either of which would make this candy bar taste better and convince more people to purchase them! What, is Cadbury too fucking cheap to afford a machine to seal their crappy candy bars now? Oh yeah, the ingredients also listed something named "MODIFIED PALM" under "UNSWEETENED CHOCOLATE." We are very glad Cadbury decided to modify the Palm for "Flake." Thank you very much for the Modified Palm, gents!

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 3 (out of 10)

First off, let me describe what this so-called "candy bar" looks like: twisted, knotted, sinewy elephant muscle. Although I've never tasted the aforementioned delicacy before, I can assure you that it can't possibly taste worse than "Flake." I'm fairly certain that Cadbury, in their infinite(-ly stupid) wisdom, decided to simply spew out three drops from a bag of chocolate cake icing over a stick of butter. "Flake" did not contain any flakes; it wasn't even crunchy for God's sake. Perhaps the name "Flake" came from the nickname of the resident asshole at Cadbury who had the great idea to recycle used butter from their cow-molesting plant and repackage it as "Flake." Either way, I don't give a fuck, I'm not touching this heap of sewage ever again. Stay in Canada, "Flake."

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 3 (out of 10)

"Flake," ohhhh, you played a bad, wicked, evil trick on me. Very bad indeed. You see, "Flake" tasted like pure ass. It was even assier than ass. And that, my friends, is ASSY! Despite the fact that it looks like a runny turd left in a parking lot for hours to bake and simmer in the afternoon sun, I had high hopes for "Flake." How hard is it to screw up plain old chocolate, right? WRONG! The powers that be have decided that they did not want to make something that tasted good but instead make something that tastes like eating an old retired golf champion's prostate tumor. And I know this from experience, my friends; I've eaten a lot of prostate tumors in my time. I'm surprised that Rich didn't like "Flake" any more than I did. He seems to have affection, possibly even love, for things that are associated with shit. Right, sweetiehoneysugarlumpyarmpitpie?

Of course I adore shit, Emily. How do you think I fell in love with you in the first place, snookiewookiehoobiemoogleboogle?


EAT-MORE

Description: "ORIGINAL DARK TOFFEE PEANUT CHEW." Note that the word "ORIGINAL" is in bold print on the candy wrapper. Also note that every single letter anywhere on this candybar is in all capital letters. I would assume that Hershey Canada Inc. would have enough money to upgrade their computers to include a "Caps Lock" button on their keyboards, but apparently that's out of the issue. This would make sense because anybody dumb enough to buy a neon yellow candy bar package that glows like radioactive construction equipment probably doesn't care about the typeset used in the food item which will assuredly lead directly to their death.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 2

NO. I REFUSE TO EAT MORE. I WILL NOT EAT MORE. One bite was enough, thank you very much Hershey Canada Inc.. This self-professed "toffee" candy bar is unlike any other toffee bars, mainly in the fact that it contains no toffee. It has the consistency of used chewing tobacco and contains enough peanuts to look like a pile of steaming vomit after sitting in the hot, moist tropical sun. Actually, the bar really looks like asphalt, only without the pleasing taste. I'm sure glad Hershey Canada Inc. decided to include the word "ORIGINAL" in the product description, because God knows, there probably are a shitload of other companies mass-manufacturing pure vomit to compete in Hershey's "pure vomit candy bar" demographic.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 5

The Frenchy frog language on the wrapper suggests that perhaps this candy partially consists of tires, and I can't say that it would shock me to know this to be true. I don't know if I'd necessarily eat more of "EAT-MORE," but I didn't completely dislike the bite that I had of this nutty, squishy shitbar. Despite rumors of this candy coming out of my ass looking exactly the same as when it went in (to my mouth, you loons), it wasn't nearly as bad as Tuesdays failure, "Bridge Mixture," so I don't know why Rich is giving it the same score. Maybe because he's dumb. It does surprise me that Hershey made this cruddy product, but then again maybe they had the taste of the Canadian people in mind at the time, because I have yet to try candy from their "country" that is anywhere near as good as the smooth, buttery chocolate of the US of A. USA #1!!! USA!! USA!!!


FUSION

Description: I can't exactly read what the description says in the middle of the package, mainly because it's a mixture of English and French words printed in a 6-point font named "CHRIS'S KEWL FREEWARE FUTURE FONT" or something. The words we could make out were "CHOCOLATE," "CHEWEY" (like Chewbacca), "CARAMEL," and "RIZ CROUSTILLANT" who I think was a drummer for the Grateful Dead.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 5

I believe the so-called "FUSION" in this bar was supposed to have something to do with the "CHOCOLATE" and "CARAMEL" and maybe even Mr. Croustillant, but the only fusion I sensed was the wad of candy fusing to my throat and quickly mutating into a cancerous lump. Like almost any Canadian candy bar, there is a distinct lack of sugar or anything even remotely sweet here, as native Canadians apparently have a nationwide appetite for eating hay or lumber or rocks or whatever. Soon after sampling this winner of a treat, I watched my slightly-chewed wad of it fuse to the bottom of the toilet. Needless to say, we're closing off this bathroom and will probably shoot missiles at it from space whenever we get around to it. Oh yeah, are we supposed to refer to it as "FUSION" or "FUS*ION" or "FUS>

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 6--no, 3. --No, 4--no...2-- no...Aaaaaghh!!







Sweet Marie

Description: The world-famous "Neilson" company, which has brought to us such winners as that television rating system and Craig T. Nelson (close enough), hatches a scheme by concocting a devious product named "Sweet Marie." This glorious combination of chocolate, peanuts, and caramel features an image on the front that looks like somebody slowly tearing an Ogre's arm off their body. The big quote on this item is "WITH LOTS OF FRESH ROASTED PEANUTS," which we assume would be true if "FRESH ROASTED PEANUTS" meant "BAR PEANUTS FOUND IN AN ABANDONED BOWLING ALLEY'S ASHTRAY THREE YEARS AGO."

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 4

I'm fairly certain this is supposed to be a ripoff of "Baby Ruth," but it once again falls flat on its face. Now I'll be the first to admit that there's not too much room to improvise in the exciting, fast-paced world of creating awful candy, but I would imagine that the methods of "using unsweetened chocolate" and "forcefully injecting peanuts which were marinated for nine days in an elderly couple's armpit sweat" wouldn't be the right direction to head in. Seriously, the peanuts in this mess taste like they had been spiced up with vinegar or tar or something equally horrid. The caramel wasn't half bad, but since the other half was 100% bad, it doesn't really even out. I think. Wait, I'm not good at math, does that even make sense?

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 6

I liked "Sweet Marie!" Ok, maybe it was because all of the other candy for today's review was terrible and made me want to die, but I still liked it above average. It's sort of along the same lines of "Baby Ruth" I guess. Maybe the reason I like it is because of when I was a wee lass and was lost in the long, twisting hallways of a countryside Catholic school, a friendly nun named Marie taught me the wise ways of Jesus under the loving supervision of cleaning supplies in the mop closet. Either way, I'd rather eat this than "Bridge Mixture," which is my ultimate guide for comparison on this stuff. And don't listen to Rich because not only is he bad at math, but he's also bad at other things that are not math! OWWWww, ZING!!! Gotcha there, Richiepoo!!!

Yeah, you're right Emily, I sure am bad at picking out fiancés! ZIIIING, back atcha', bizzatch!

I'm still not sure how Emily and I were able to make it through not one, but TWO rounds of consuming these mutant monstrosities of chocolate and God only knows what else. Regardless, there's still more pain for us to look forward to, as next Tuesday we'll wrap up The Canadian Candy Challenge by sampling and reviewing the final four contestants: "Mackintosh's TOFFEE," "Fruit-tella" (which we both believe will directly kill us), "Sidekick," and "WUNDERBAR" (which is not to be confused with the Wonder Bra). BOY, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

Amy's [sic] Fantasies

Zack "Christ Bedwetter" Parsons here with an all new Hentai review! This week's entry is slightly more entertaining than last time, a real charmer of a game entitled "Amy's Fantasies".



You know a game is going to be a high-quality experience when the main character's name is misspelled in the title of the game. Caveat Emptor indeed, since Amy's Fantasies is actually about Emi's fantasies, or more appropriately "scary lion woman's fantasies". Had the game centered on the non-existent Amy instead of Emi it would have no-doubt been better, since Emi's fantasies are goddamn stupid and all involve fucking her extremely effeminate brother. If I had wanted to see a scary lion woman screw an undernourished wide-eyed urchin relative I would have, well, this is probably the only place I could see that but I didn't want to see it.

So dope yourself up with near fatal levels of SSRIs, like I do every time I sit down and play through one of these games for you folks, and head on over and check out "Amy's Fantasies".

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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