Seize the Dog!

Hey kids, if you were thinking of ordering Something Awful merchandise, now is the time! We're almost sold out of everything, and to be quite honest, this month has been really crappy money-wise. We had to buy a new switch and a $3300 Dell server to handle the additional load of traffic to this site, bringing the grand total of SA server horsepower (for both the site and forums) up to 6.8 ghz and 7 gigs of RAM. Help us cover costs by grabbing yourself some swank new SA merchandise now before it's sold out and we've been shot to death by an Awful Link of the Day webmaster. If you need any further motivation, here's an image of the brand new SA posters:

Wowee-zowee! If you guys actually purchase some SA gear, that would mean this site is one of the few surviving without relying on popunder ads or email address harvesting! Do you know how happy that would make us feel? It would make us feel about as joyful as knowing all the fur-suit fetish people were shoved into a rocket and shot into the sun! So consume for the sake of love!

The Canadian Candy Challenge, Part I

Vancouver. I think. Hell, I don't know, the amount of Asian people were about the same.

For some inexplicable reason, one that could probably be chalked up to paranormal activity, Emily, I, and my family decided that it would simply be just a marvelous idea to travel up to Vancouver, British Columbia this previous weekend. In case you aren't geographically competent, British Columbia is a hunk of Canada that lies somewhere on the west coast near Cuba or Atlantis I believe. We, as many other people from America decided not to do, took a little mini-vacation last Saturday to see the sights and smell the stenches of Canada. Now many of you non-Vancouverian people might be under the impression that this magnificent city is full of native Canadians or at least people who have at least a limited grasp of the English language. You would be wrong; Vancouver is full of Asians. Apparently Vancouver lies somewhere in between their home and place of work because the place was just jam packed full of Asians wandering around as if the magical Kodak camera wrapped around their neck was a divining rod guiding them to imported water. Let me take this moment to assure you that I'm not writing this to solely propagate racial stereotypes; the city was full of camera-wielding Asians. The whole "propagating racial stereotypes" thing is merely a side-benefit. The positive side of this coin was that we were all easily able to see over the heads of the teaming Asian masses and view the teaming masses of crazy homeless people who were staring back at the teeming masses of Asian people while begging them for spare quarters or ruples or rupees or whatever the hell Canada uses for currency. I'm fairly sure that the Metric System forces Canada to use chocolate coins for money.

THE ENEMY

Vancouver is a fairly boring city if you're not interested in purchasing clothing from stores that you could get in any American mall. The highlight of our trip had to be the moment when Emily and my mother were staring at a huge statue of some guy who died doing something incredibly interesting, when suddenly a big white blob appeared on Emily's head and splattered across her shoulders. Upon further investigation, the white blob turned out to be bird crap and the person who got crapped on turned out to be embarrassed. Naturally, her loss was my gain, as I now affectionately refer to her as "shithead" and can justifiably do so without fearing yet another right hook to the skullbone. It's not a good sign when the highlight of your trip revolves around bird crap landing on your fiancee's head, unless of course you're not the fiancee, in which case it gives you a story to tell all your friends every time you get drunk or are sober.

Besides the disproportionate number of tiny Asian people, Vancouver also differed from America in their candy selection department. Now I don't want to point any fingers of blame here, but Canada has a megagram (that's the Metric System) of weird candy. Odd, unnatural, spooky candy that should only be sold in a country sealed in with towering steel walls lined with an electrified, radioactive, birdshit-attracting fence. Since the only thing Emily and I were bringing back from Canada was a story about a gob of her hair suddenly turning white, we decided to go on a Crazy Canadian Candy purchasing rampage and buy anything with an unfamiliar name. The point of this exercise in pain is consistent with the Something Awful website theme; we go to excruciatingly disturbing lengths to bring you, the viewer, information on the absolutely most horrific things lurking about the shadows. However, instead of presenting you images of gay furry 10-penised horse porn, we will now present you with our review of weird Canadian candy we purchased via the complex method of "seeing something on the shelf, laughing at its name, and then buying it." We were rewarded by having our beautiful American 20-dollar bill turned into a series of bizarre lightweight Canadian circlets which I think are used for teeth fillings or something. Regardless, let's move on to THE CANADIAN CANDY CHALLENGE, PART I!

Caramilk

Description: "Milk Chocolatey pockets with golden caramel filling." Another winner from Cadbury, the chocolate company which apparently owns 98% of the chocolate market in Canada. The other 2% belongs to their longtime rivals, "GloboTech ChocoQuickMix Inc." which produces such wonderful items as "The Chocolate Glow Nighttime Rabbit Facehugger." We're pretty sure "Caramilk" is the Canadian version of "Caramello," which has an equally retarded name but lacks the retarded taste.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 5 (out of 10)

It's like somebody beat a lump of chocolate and caramel with a "Boring Wand" and shoved the remains into a machine which belches out pockets of generic crap down an assembly line manned by burly, overweight, stench-ridden truck drivers who have been wearing the same plain flannel shirt for the past three weeks. Even though the supposed "caramilk" was as runny as my urine, it still somehow found a way to adhere itself to my teeth and will probably remain there until the day I die (next Wednesday). Actually, let's move my date of death up a couple days, this whole Canadian Candy thing has left me realizing I'm a horrible monster and pray for death.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 5 (out of 10)

I'm not sure where the "milk" comes from in the name of this candy, but basically it's just a square of chocolate filled with caramel snot. It's sort of like the more popular "Caramello" that one finds in the US only this version seems to have a bitter aftertaste reminiscent of licking the skin behind the knee of an 80-year old woman after she's been sitting in her wheelchair watching her "stories" all day. Not horrible but nothing I'd want to eat again. And the date of your death will be sooner than you think, Kyanka. Ohhhh, so much sooner.


Bridge Mixture

Description: "A delicious assortment of coated confectionery." Bridge Mixture comes in a small, plain, yellow rectangular box which could also be used to ship crayons or cement. The actual "bridge mixture," which is a collection of oddly shaped brown lumps of rabbit turds, tastes quite bad in comparison to gnawing on an actual bridge until your teeth are pushed so far back into your gums that they begin piercing your brain. Keep in mind that this horror was unleashed upon us thanks to Hershey Canada, so if that's not a reason for a boycott, I don't know what is.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 1 (out of 10)

I have no clue what's hidden below the chocolate covering of Bridge Mixture. A few tasted like urinal cakes, while others tasted like heavily-used urinal cakes. I believe one of them was a futile attempt at producing a synthetic form of coconut or perhaps fake tasting artificial maple peppermint malt liquor gumball flavor. The experiment failed. These things came in all sorts of shapes and sizes but their characteristic of "tasting like ass" linked them all together in some sort of horrible chocolate gangbang way. We both had to use the Spit Bag on this baby, as we were spewing these mutant chocolate shitwads out of our mouths as fast as possible. It was like a horrible waterslide of phlegm and chocolate-covered insect parts, and wasn't nearly as entertaining as, say, having a Canadian bird shit on your head. Right Emily?

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 2 (out of 10)

"Bridge Mixture" consists of disgusting balls of candy-coated death. The smallest balls were OK, sort of like peanuts or something, but as one samples the larger balls, the flavor and texture gets worse as the size increases. I believe at this point that "Bridge Mixture" is poison disguised as candy by the Canadian government in an attempt to kill as many people as possible so that they don't have to dole out a lot of money for socialized healthcare. And Richard, I'll have you know that getting shat upon by a bird is good luck. And I'm a lucky gal as it is, so all aboard the luck caboose; this train is departing for New Luck City, where I'll narrowly escape being crapped on again, because I am now full of luck. And poop. In that order.


Crispy Crunch

Description: "Peanut candy wrapped in milk chocolate." Hey, way to go Cadbury, you picked a real gem of a name for your candy bar! What's next "CHOCOLATE LOG"? Or maybe "AN OBJECT WHICH CONTAINS CHOCOLATE AND PERHAPS SOMETHING ELSE"? This candy bar weighs 48 grams, which is the Metric equivalent of 13 tons, I believe.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 3 (out of 10)

WOW, NEEDS MORE SALT! REALLY GUYS, KEEP POURING ON THE SALT, THE KIDS LOVE SALT, IT'S HIP ON "DA STREETS" LIKE FAX MACHINES AND REMOTE CONTROLS!!! Imagine the peanut brittle truck colliding with the Butterfinger truck and then the fire department trying to put out the blaze by spraying gallons of salt on the wreckage. The taste of pain comes at you in a delayed wave which hits approximately eight seconds after biting into the horrid thing. Why the hell is there so much salt in this lump of crud? If I wanted this much salt, I'd go drink from the Atlantic Ocean for Christ's sake.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 3 (out of 10)

"Crispy Crunch" has more salt per square inch than those cubes that dopey Midwesterners put in their backyards to lure deer in to lick, only to shoot them because they are too lazy to go out and hunt deer for themselves. It made me thirsty with one bite and it's pretty darn icky, I'd say, but then, I say a lot of things and most of them have to do with various meats. Bleh. And Rich, maybe you should eat a couple more of these. You might stand a chance of wearing the same shirt all through the day without having to change it because it's soaked through with your luscious perspiration.


COCONUT

Description: "MOIST - PLUS TENDRE!" Okay, so it's a candy bar named "COCONUT" which uses the "Coconut" font and is superimposed over an image of what appears to be coconut. This one would be fairly straightforward if it wasn't for the enigmatic "PLUS TENDRE!" exclamation above. I think that's French for "Don't Bother!" but I may be wrong. It also says "Candy / Friandise" on the right which means "Candy / Maybe Not."

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 9 (out of 10)

Hey, it's a direct ripoff of "Mounds," hooray! Actually I like Mounds Bars so I didn't mind eating a few "lucious" bars of "COCONUT." Plus Mounds only comes in two bars, whereas "COCONUT" comes in three, so I felt I was getting a far better deal despite the fact that these three bars measured up to the equivalent of two Mounds bars. I'm easy to please like that. I think Emily is rating this one low because she doesn't have refined and fancy tastes like I do. For example, she doesn't like James Woods, even after I forced her to watch "Videodrome"!!! That's all the proof you need, folks!

JAMES WOODS!!!

JAMES WOODS!!!

JAMES WOODS!!!

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 5 (out of 10)

BOOOORRRRING! I think that "Coconut" put me to sleep, it was so boring. It tastes exactly like a "Mounds" candy bar only a bit drier. Not that I was expecting anything exciting with a name like "Coconut," but this candy bar made me more bored, lethargic, and full of apathy than I have been since I watched that two-day marathon of documentaries about the Spanish-American War on the History Channel when I was 12. Speaking of boring, I like how Rich's commentary takes up about a hundred pixels more horizontal space than mine does. This must be because what he has to say about James Woods is SO IMPORTANT that he needs more room in which to say it. Well I'll just write more, how do you like that? Not only that, but I'll put this picture in, too!

Jerk.

PS: Stop whining about how many pixels my commentary takes up, Emily, or else you'll "fall down the stairs" again you dippy broad.


Crunchie.Com

Description: "Sponge Toffee covered in Milk Chocolate Sponge Toffee." Cadbury has once again broken new ground by combining candy bars with the Internet in their newest offering to the candy bar market, "Crunchie Dot Com." Yes, it's somehow involved with an actual website, www.crunchie.com. Why? I don't know. Perhaps eating this spongie mess of burnt rubber tastes much like gnawing on a Cat-5 cable. Note that they couldn't even buy / afford the correct spelling of "www.crunchy.com," a website owned by a company that I assume does not manufacture COMPLETE SHIT.

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka:
Rating: 2 (out of 10)

This is not "sponge toffee". This is "horse vomit." I, like most people, associate the word "sponge" with "soft." This candy bar is not soft. This candy bar is not even candy. It is, however, a bar, much in the same sense that the things which fall out of a dog's anus are bar-shaped. Crunchie.com's wonderful pain treat has the consistency of biting into a burnt log and if I could read French, I'm sure that would be listed as its primary ingredient. One bite of this baby and I was depositing it directly into the Spit Bag, do not pass "GO" do not collect 200 dental visits. Here's a hint for you Cadbury: "CRUNCHY" and "SPONGE" do not work together, much like "THIS CANDY BAR" and "HUMAN CONSUMPTION." The only reason Crunchie.com got a better ranking than Bridge Mixture is because there was no aftertaste of frog semen (unlike the Bitch Master). Oh yeah, and the sheer stupidity of not being able to afford www.crunchy.com earned it bonus points in whatever category can get you bonus points for here.

Emily "Integral" Reigel
Rating: 1 (out of 10)

Wow. "Crunchie.com" is guaranteed the spot on the losers' circle labeled, "Worst Candy Bar I have Ever Eaten and Now That I have Eaten it I Want To Die." It's made of that gross angel food candy-type spongy crap covered in nasty, cheap chocolate. I do not know what site "Crunchie.com" may be promoting but I suggest that Cadbury stop before I get all "1337 h4x0ring stop making that shit you freaks or I will make you pay" on their ass. I WILL DOS THEIR CONFECTIONARY ABILITIES AND THEIR INCREASINGLY HIGH BANDWIDTH BILLS WILL PREVENT FURTHER CANDY BAR PRODUCTION!

They will also have troubles with the mail server.

Stay tuned Thursday for Part II of "The Canadian Candy Challenge" where we temp fate by trying to eat "Sweet Marie," "Flake," "Fusion," and "EAT-MORE." I don't think I need to describe in detail just how much we look forward to this. I might've actually just wet myself but cannot tell, as my bowels threw themselves out when they got a taste of "Crunchie.com." Somebody please save our souls because our bodies just died.

Made From Actual Nazi Gold!

The name's ScottyD and I'm here to say, that the Goldmine is bling bling and it' comin your way!

Hot, fresh, phat, and funky rhymes like that are only written when they're true. It's the law. We have a new Goldmine for you, and it's loaded with crap that you love. But just remember, it doesn't love you. You're creepy.

So go look at it, and savor the moment. Because your eyes could get poked out tomorrow, and then you'll wish you could look at anything.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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