One of your wifely duties. If you need practice, call up your great-grandpa and ask if he's feeling randy.
During one of your many red carpet appearances with Hef, media personalities will undoubtedly ask about the quality of your relationship with the man currently clutching your arm out of fear of hip breakage. Don't make the same mistake other Bunnies have by staring vacantly or weeping hysterically when asked to give public statements; instead, memorize this handy cheat sheet that will make even the most hardened Access Hollywood veteran believe you're not a glorified prostitute.
Question: "So how is life in the Playboy Mansion?"
Answer: "Good. Nice and good and fun. Fun."
Question: "What's it like dating America's most famous bachelor?"
Answer: "Nice. Fun and nice and good. Good."
Question: "How's your sex life?"
Answer: (Throw on-hand smoke bomb, escape in the resulting confusion.)
Important: Please field all questions for Hef, as having to relay information via shouting into his Whisper 2000 diminishes his intended image of eternal youth.
This look of profound bewilderment means your Hef is happy.Having worked your way up the ranks from "weekend girlfriend" to "full-time girlfriend" to "exclusive girlfriend" to "fiancee," you've undoubtedly wondered when sexual intercourse would enter into the equation. Sure, Hef might have sleepily pawed at your breasts, or indicated the general direction of his penis, but outside of these sex-related gestures, you've been left high and dry.
But never fear; thanks to the limits of medical science, your Hef can now make love (or what many view as a cruel mockery of the act) for upwards of six minutes. During this time, a hallucinogenic nerve gas will be pumped into the room to assist you in enjoying what may resemble the actual effects of genital stimulation. Should your six minutes expire before Hef's appetites do, the nerve gas will quickly be replaced with a powerful sleeping agent that will prevent Hef's heart from exploding, and allow you to gain up to 4 days of much-needed sleep.
We ask that you make sure to be gentle and tender with your Hef as you take part in one of the greatest gifts a loving couple can share.
For more information on certain difficulties that may arise, please look forward to the upcoming addendum, "Working Around Your Hef's Colostomy Bag."
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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