Red Baron Video Game Personally Defecates in the Mouth of Charles Schulz's Corpse



I'm not what you would call a "video gaming player." In fact, I've spent the past five years trying to shake a debilitating FreeCell addiction which caused me to cut some very special people out of my life and also miss my mother's funeral. But, needless to say, whenever the work of Charles "Sparky" Schulz (we miss ya, big guy) takes a new form, my interest is piqued -- so much so that I gave up a day of valuable antiquing to download Snoopy Flying Ace on my nephew's X-BOX Live Machine.

Folks, let's just say that I hope Jaden's mom can clean all of my vomit off of his Ben 10 carpet.

We're barely ten years after the death of ol' Sparky, and this is how low holders of the Peanuts license are willing to sink? Dear readers, my half-digested breakfast Grape Nuts rose to the brim of my throat after witnessing America's Favorite Beagle gun down another biplane in what could only be cold blood. Is this how we're selling the timeless Peanuts characters to the youth of today? Sigh, I can't help but recall when the visages of Charlie Brown and the gang would only be used tastefully on products like life insurance, popcorn tins, bath foam, snow cone machines, Hallmark cards, tote bags, boxer shorts, support garments, shoe trees, bagel slicers (read more...)

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50 Years of Turkmenistanimation



If you've been wondering why I haven't been posting on AW as much as I usually do, it's not just because I've been spending two hours a day sorting through Don Bluth's garbage -- dear God, the collectors are going to eat up these original Rock-A-Doodle sketches. Truth be told, I've been hard at work on my latest book, which should prove just as relevant and important as my last twelve. Titled 50 Years of Turkmenistanimation: Central Asia's Greatest Art, this new addition to the Midi Amidmid ouvre will explore the works of great Turkmenistanish animators like the famous Tachmukhammet Yilmaz over the course of 450 pages (my publisher talked me down from the original proposal of 600 pages -- rats).

Turkmenistanimation has gone mostly unknown due to its unique subject matter; 99 percent of the films feature a two-hour depiction of muskmelon growth, with the remaining one percent being made up entirely of the most violent simulated child pornography this animation fan has ever seen. Still, for those with an open mind, Turkmenistanimation has a simple beauty unknown to the mindless troglodytes who absorb The Family Guy nightly.

50 Years of Turkmenistanimation will be available July 10th from Vanity Press for the low price of $79.99. And if you pre-order, you'll receive a free copy of my last book, The Wit and Wisdom of Top Cat, absolutely free! For some reason, my publisher still has 10,000 copies of that one sitting in their warehouse.

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