The murder of "Jack Attacks" is of the revenge-suicide variety, but it gets much stupider than that. In the episode, an older man asks a younger man to house-sit for him, with the intention of murdering this younger man. The younger man (they had names, which are now lost to the mists of time) forced the older man's son into committing suicide in the past, but for some reason the younger man has amnesia and can't remember this. So, while house-sitting, the younger man gets a phone call from the older man, who asks if the younger man can put his dog on the phone. The younger man complies, and the older man gives his trained dog a message to gently shove the younger man down three steps; the fall breaks his neck and he dies. And while the episode confronts the controversial topic of using a dog as a tool for murder, it never once questions how much of a pussy someone has to be to die for a two-foot plummet inflicted by a dog nudge. Take a moment to think about this. Let it all sink in. Can I honestly make any more jokes about "Jack Attacks?" Anything I write will pale in comparison to the hilarity of the actual episode, which is my new comedy bible. I hope it will soon be yours, too.
-_OMy Case Closed story ends on a recent, bittersweet note. A few weeks ago, I was dumb enough to purchase the Case Closed Collectable Card Game for the sake of pure novelty. Every time I walked into the nerd store, I noticed their supply of Case Closed CCG cards had not diminished in over a year. When I decided to voice this fact out loud, the man behind the counter desperately shrieked, "Half price!" For Conan, how could I refuse? My friends and I excitedly sat down for a game, and were struck dumb by the fact that the Case Closed CCG's Starter Set is unique in the fact that it doesn't contain the right cards for a single person to play, let alone a group of three. And the booster packs I bought yielded none of these necessary cards.
The bright side of this story - the proverbial "antidote cake," if you will - is that I wasn't disappointed. After all, shouldn't Case Closed be idiotic in its own special way, no matter what the format? Adult Swim viewers may have called you ugly, ridiculous, and embarrassing, Case Closed, but I know the truth: we just weren't ready for you.