This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
If it be celebrity sightings ye seek, look no further than the words & pictures below. Our celebhounds are always on the scent.
Gary BuseyYesterday @ 10am
Crazy Gary Busey was riding horseback at the dog park. He was spearing dogs with a trident, much to the horror of onlookers. So brash and unrepentant, he took great pleasure in the pain he inflicted. I begrudge that man's remarkable evil.
Emilio EstevezYesterday @ 12pm
Was minding my own business doing some shopping in the mall when Emilio approached me and started demanding I pay him $30 for a foot massage. I said I didn't want one but then he threatened my family. The nerve of that man. His hands were like robot claws.
Tom HanksYesterday @ 1pm
Saw Tom Hanks and a small army of personal assistants working on an elaborate contraption in the middle of Central Park. It had a lot of spinning parts and made my fillings hurt real bad. I'm pretty sure I saw it vaporize a hobo...
Justin TimberlakeYesterday @ 3pm
Spotted JT crawling along a stretch of highway 18. Both his legs were missing along with his hands. He was like a turtle except really sweaty and dirty. Me and my friends poured some water into a bowl and let him lap it up. Very thirsty dude.
Bill NyeYesterday @ 4pm
Saw the science guy buying a hot dog in Times Square. Asked him how he liked his dogs and he said "with sulfur." Dude had a little sandwich baggy full of the stuff and just poured it all over his hot dog. Smelled like rotting eggs.
MKYesterday @ 6pm
Ran into Mary Kate outside Nobu. She took one look at me and her eyes lit up real big like she just saw a ghost made out of gold. Within seconds she was offering me 25 big ones for a kidney. I couldn't refuse. Woke up a few hours later in a bathtub full of ice in an abandoned warehouse. Still waiting for the money, but I'm sure it's coming.
Orlando BloomToday @ 3am
I was taken aboard a flying saucer by the Nordics (tall Aryan looking aliens). One of them performed electrical experiments on my genitalia while Orlando Bloom looked on and took notes. He seemed very focused and attentive to detail.
Dustin HoffmanToday @ 11am
Dustin Hoffman! Got punched in the face by the Hoff' when I ran up and started poking him hard in the sternum to see if he was really real. Turns out he was, and he hates being poked. Love the man, hate his fist.
Matthew McConaugheyToday @ 3pm
Darn you, McConaughey! Saw that son of a gun uprootin' turnips in my field again. Knowing his thieving ways, I grabbed my shotgun and gave chase. Spirit abounds in the boy's heart and legs, so free and unrestrained. I can't ever catch him!
Sean PennToday @ 5pm
I swear I'm not making this up! Seriously, this is for real. Sean Penn is not more than 800 yards away eating sunflower seeds. I'm telling you this is 100% legit. You gotta believe me, mister.
James GandolfiniToday @ 6pm
Spotted Gandolfini at a certain posh restaurant in SOHO. He had a peculiar habit of eating with his hands -- no utensils. He just smashed up his food and shoveled it into his mouth like a beast. Grunted and growled the whole time.
Josh HartnettToday @ 9pm
Was on a flight to Colorado from LAX. Opened the luggage compartment to stow one of my bags and found Josh Hartnett sleeping like an angel. I didn't want to wake him so I ended up using one of the other luggage compartments. The lil' guy slept up there the whole flight.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.