This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
Our vigilant stargazers are spotting celebrities left, right, and center! Here's the latest news from New York to Hollywood.
Paul AllenYesterday @ 10 am
Hoooooly...! I just saw Paul, for real, buying an apple from a fruit stand. He is totally eating it now! Hold on... now he is throwing the core away. I can't believe this. Man, Paul Allen!
Matthew McConaugheyYesterday @ 12pm
Close your eyes. Imagine Matthew shirtless, looking fine, eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers on the subway. That's what I saw, and I'm still swooning.
Patrick DempseyYesterday @ 1pm
Was in the ER waiting room when I couldn't help but notice an embarrassed Patrick Dempsey sitting near me. Looked like he got into quite a tussle with a porcupine, and his face was still covered with spines. Poor guy!
Rainn WilsonYesterday @ 6pm
I am not sure how it happened but I'm trapped in a giant insect cocoon. I think something is laying eggs in my stomach. I only mention this because I can see Rainn is also captive the next cocoon over. Seems like a nice guy, though he sleeps a lot and snores loudly.
Paul Rudd & Vince VaughnYesterday @ 7pm
Saw Paul in Iowa City of all places. He was standing next to Vince Vaughn and the both of them together were projected onto a large white screen by way of... some sort of light cannon??? I'm still utterly baffled by this phenomenon and what it means.
Bob NewhartYesterday @ 11pm
Newhart is insane! His thugs have been holding me hostage all week. They've beaten me repeatedly, threatened to stab me, and made me take drugs. I fear for my life. Still a big fan of his early work. Please somebody help me!
BatmanToday @ 3am
Batman saved me! And man, he has let himself go. I fell down and he zip-lined in from out of nowhere to assist me to my feet. But then he just stood there panting like a dog. He seemed pretty gassy, too, but was really apologetic about it.
Jerry Van DykeToday @ 10am
Jerry was on hand to cut the ribbon at the opening of the new Northcrest Mall. He seemed pretty professional, and even brought his own scissors. They were really nice scissors, with the padded handles so you don't get blisters. Looked expensive. Wonder where he got them?
Megan FoxToday @ 10am
Beautiful like a Greek Goddess! Saw her dumping garbage in Central Park! Looks like she had about 8 Hefty sacks full of garbage that she tossed into some bushes. Those arms! So strong!
Tim RobbinsToday @ 1pm
Again! Again I saw Tim Robbins in the library eating hard boiled eggs out of a basket. I was hoping he'd offer me one, but no, he just ate the entire batch all by himself.
Drew BarrymoreToday @ 6pm
Whoa! Saw Drew outside the KFC on Sunset Strip. She was carrying a big huge bucket of fried chicken, and a bag I can only speculate was loaded up with some primo sides. Wish I was her beau, because that looked like one fine meal.
Jeff DanielsToday @ 7pm
Last week Daniels knocked on my door and said he was driving in the country when his car broke down. I offered him my guest room for the night, but he insisted on sleeping in my barn. He's been there for about a week now and I'm not sure if he's ever going to leave. I saw him just now hanging pictures...
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
That atheist professor should have kept his mouth shut around this American Sniper.
'Let the building eat you.'
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.